Stop ‘shoulding’ yourself – let go of unrealistic expectations and start living a more peaceful, authentic life today.
Have you ever thought, “I should be more productive” or “I shouldn’t feel this way”? If so, you’re not alone. This mental habit, known as “shoulding,” is something many of us do without even realizing it. We place unrealistic expectations on ourselves based on external standards or internal beliefs.
The trouble with “shoulding” is that it often leads to feelings of guilt and anxiety, making it difficult to enjoy life or achieve true fulfillment.
In this article, we’ll explore what “shoulding” is, why it causes emotional distress, and how to break free from this toxic habit. By understanding and confronting “shoulding,” we can start living more compassionate, authentic lives.
What is ‘Shoulding’?
“Shoulding” refers to the act of placing pressure on yourself with statements like “I should” or “I shouldn’t.” These statements reflect unrealistic expectations about how you ought to behave, think, or feel. It’s like carrying around an invisible rulebook that dictates what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
The problem with “shoulding” is that these rules are often based on societal expectations, cultural norms, or deeply ingrained personal beliefs, not on what’s truly healthy or realistic.
For example, you might think, “I should always be happy,” when, in reality, it’s normal to experience a range of emotions. Or you might tell yourself, “I shouldn’t need help,” even when reaching out for support could improve your well-being. Over time, these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” create inner conflict, leading to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and anxiety.
Common Examples of ‘Shoulding’
- “I should always be productive.” This mindset creates unnecessary pressure to always be doing something and can lead to burnout.
- “I shouldn’t feel anxious.” Dismissing your emotions as invalid can increase emotional distress.
- “I should be more like others.” Comparing yourself to others only exacerbates feelings of inadequacy.
The Link Between ‘Shoulding,’ Guilt, and Anxiety
The act of “shoulding” yourself can lead directly to feelings of guilt. When you don’t meet the expectations you’ve set for yourself, it’s easy to feel like you’ve failed. You might think, “I didn’t do enough” or “I’m not good enough,” and these thoughts naturally lead to guilt. Over time, this guilt can compound, making you feel trapped by your standards.
Anxiety often follows. “Shoulding” fuels anxiety by creating a constant sense of urgency and pressure. When you believe that you should be doing more, feeling different, or achieving faster, you end up in a state of tension, worrying that you’ll never measure up.
This cycle is mentally exhausting and can lead to chronic anxiety, where you’re always concerned about falling short of your expectations.
Why Guilt and Anxiety Go Hand in Hand
Guilt and anxiety are closely linked because they both stem from a sense of inadequacy. Guilt arises when you feel like you’ve failed to meet a standard, while anxiety comes from the fear that you won’t be able to meet future standards.
Together, they create a loop where you feel bad about the past and worried about the future, leaving little room for self-compassion in the present.
The Harmful Impact of ‘Shoulding’ on Mental Health
“Shoulding” not only creates emotional distress but also has long-term effects on mental health. One of the most damaging consequences is its impact on self-esteem.
Constantly telling yourself what you should or shouldn’t do undermines your confidence and self-worth. You start to believe that you’re never good enough, no matter how much you accomplish or how hard you try.
Perfectionism and Burnout
For many people, “shoulding” goes hand-in-hand with perfectionism. When you’re always trying to live up to impossibly high standards, it’s easy to burn out. You push yourself to do more, be more, and achieve more, but no amount of effort ever seems sufficient.
This leads to physical and emotional exhaustion. Burnout can make it difficult to find joy in your accomplishments or even in day-to-day life, as the pressure to “do better” is never-ending.
Strained Relationships
The habit of “shoulding” doesn’t just affect your relationship with yourself—it can also impact how you relate to others. When you impose high expectations on yourself, it’s easy to start doing the same to the people around you.
You might expect your partner, friends, or coworkers to meet the same standards you set for yourself, creating unnecessary tension and frustration in your relationships. This dynamic can lead to conflict, as others may feel judged or unappreciated for not living up to your expectations.
How to Stop ‘Shoulding’ Yourself
Breaking free from the habit of “shoulding” takes time and effort, but it’s entirely possible with the right approach. By becoming more aware of your thought patterns and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to release the unrealistic expectations you’ve placed on yourself.
1 – Identify the Source of Your ‘Shoulds’
The first step in overcoming “shoulding” is recognizing where your expectations come from. Are these standards something you truly value, or are they based on societal or cultural norms? Sometimes, we adopt beliefs from our upbringing, peers, or media that don’t align with our authentic selves.
By understanding the source of your “shoulds,” you can start to question whether they’re serving you.
2 – Challenge Unrealistic Expectations
Once you’ve identified your “shoulds,” it’s important to challenge them. Ask yourself: Is this expectation realistic? For example, the belief that you should always be productive is simply not feasible. Everyone needs rest, downtime, and moments of reflection.
By challenging these standards, you create space for more balanced, realistic goals.
3 – Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a powerful tool for combating the negative effects of “shoulding.” Instead of berating yourself for not meeting expectations, try offering yourself kindness and understanding. Remind yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes, take breaks, or feel a range of emotions.
Practicing self-compassion allows you to let go of guilt and anxiety, making room for peace and acceptance.
4 – Shift Your Language
A simple but effective way to stop “shoulding” yourself is to change the way you talk to yourself. Instead of saying, “I should,” try using phrases like, “I choose,” or “I could.” This shift in language gives you a sense of control and empowerment, rather than making you feel like you’re failing to meet external standards.
For example, “I choose to take a break,” feels much more empowering than, “I should be working harder.”
5 – Focus on What’s Truly Important
One of the reasons “shoulding” leads to so much guilt and anxiety is that we often prioritize things that don’t truly matter to us. By focusing on your core values and what’s most important in your life, you can let go of unnecessary “shoulds” that don’t serve you. Ask yourself: What truly brings me joy and fulfillment?
By aligning your actions with your values, you’ll find it easier to release the pressure of living up to unrealistic expectations.
The Power of Letting Go of ‘Shoulds’
When you let go of “shoulding,” you open yourself up to a life of greater freedom, self-acceptance, and peace. The emotional weight of constantly trying to meet external or internal expectations is heavy, but releasing it can lead to a profound sense of relief.
You’ll find that by embracing your imperfections and practicing self-compassion, you can achieve more meaningful personal growth and fulfillment.
Final Thoughts: Embrace Your Authentic Self
“Shoulding” yourself is a harmful habit that creates unnecessary guilt and anxiety. By recognizing this pattern, challenging unrealistic expectations, and practicing self-compassion, you can break free from the cycle of guilt and anxiety. It’s time to embrace your authentic self, imperfections and all, and let go of the pressure to live up to impossible standards.
Remember, you are enough just as you are. Let go of the “shoulds” and start living in alignment with what truly matters to you.
