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Brain Science Explains Why Women Need More Sleep Than Men

“Sleep serves to re-energize the body’s cells, clear waste from the brain, and support learning and memory. It even plays vital roles in regulating mood, appetite, and libido.” – Dr. John Peever & Dr. Brian J. Murray

Arianna Huffington, the founder of Huffington Post, calls sleep ‘the next feminist issue,’ arguing that lack of sleep “affects their judgment, creativity, and ability to realize their potential. In 2007, Ms. Huffington collapsed from exhaustion amidst the pressures of building her media brand.

Huffington may just have a new best friend in Dr. Jim Horne. Horne, U.K’s leading sleep science expert, argues that women need more sleep than men. 20 minutes more on average, says the good doctor.

It all comes down to how women use their brains.

“Men are from Mars, women are from … *snore* …”

Okay, so we all know that the male and female brain couldn’t be more different. According to Dr. Horne, the executive operations of the brain – planning, attention, and organizing – operate very uniquely in women.

“Women tend to multi-task – they do lots at once and are flexible – and so they use more of their actual brain than men do. Because of that, their sleep need is greater,” says Horne, “The more of your brain you use during the day, the more of it that needs to recover and, consequently, the more sleep you need.”

Women Aren’t Getting Enough Sleep

why women need more sleep than men

Per the National Sleep Foundation (NSF), “While women need more sleep than men, many are not getting the proper amount.” And, really, all that’s needed is a couple of statistics to prove NSF’s findings.

According to Dr. Kimberly Babson, a leading sleep researcher and sleep advocate, women are twice as likely to suffer from insomnia than men. The female brain also tends to “age” more than men: “A typical 75-year-old woman has a comparable brain age to a 70-year-old man,” says Horne.

Neuroscientist Explains Why Women Need to Catch More Zzz’s Than Men

The NSF also cites several other factors that may impact women’s quantity and quality of sleep:

– As women are smaller than men, they’re more likely to be woken up and move around the bed. (Once woken up, it’s much more difficult for women to fall back asleep than it is for men.)

– Menopause produces hot flashes, which disrupt sleep.

– Pregnancy can make it challenging to snooze due to excess weight and position of the fetus.

– Worrying about problems and losing zzz’s over them are more common in women, which may be explained by increased activity in the brain’s executive regions.

Dr. Horne’s study found that 18 percent of women “claim to have a bad night’s sleep at least five days per week.” Just 8 percent of men claimed the same.

Effects of Multitasking

There is no question that women are better multitaskers than men. That said, neuroscientists have repeatedly demonstrated that multitasking is much less efficient than single-tasking in both sexes. Also, multitasking depletes cognitive energy reserves much faster, often leading to a “brain drain.”

Dr. Daniel Levitin, professor of behavioral neuroscience at McGill University, says, “(Multitasking) comes at a biological cost that ends up making us feel tired much quicker than if we sustain attention on one thing.” The biological toll that multitasking takes isn’t over, either. Dr. Levetin states that people: (a) eat more junk and (b) drink more caffeine when doing more than one thing at a time. “Often what you need in that moment isn’t caffeine, but just a break. If you aren’t taking regular breaks every couple of hours, your brain won’t benefit from that extra cup of coffee,” Levitin adds.

sleep

Putting it All Together

While Dr. Horne and other neuroscientists are adamant that women need to prioritize their zzz’s, they do not claim that men need less. In fact, men who work high-pressure and complex jobs may need more. While biology may always have a hand in sleep quality (or lack thereof), lifestyle habits are just as important. The NSF recommends a variety of ways to improve “sleep hygiene”: practices and habits necessary for good sleep quality and daytime alertness.

Here are some good sleep hygiene practices:

– Avoid stimulants (caffeine, tobacco) an hour or two before bedtime.

– Do at least 10 minutes of aerobic exercise per day.

– Establish a regular and relaxing bedtime routine (warm shower/bad, reading a book, stretching, etc.)

– Get adequate exposure to natural light.

– Limit daytime naps to 30 minutes.

– Limit evening alcohol intake to 1-2 drinks (too much alcohol before bedtime disrupts the vital stages of sleep.)

– Make sure that the environment is conducive to catching some rest.

– Turn off mobile devices.

– Use a digital or old fashioned alarm clock. If using a digital clock, rotate the clock’s face away from you.

Sources:
http://www.businessinsider.com/why-women-need-more-sleep-2017-2
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1246029/Who-REALLY-needs-sleep–men-women-One-Britains-leading-sleep-experts-says-answer.html
https://qz.com/722661/neuroscientists-say-multitasking-literally-drains-the-energy-reserves-of-your-brain/
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-happens-in-the-brain-during-sleep1/

What Is Your Soul Number For 2018?

Our soul number, or personal year number, can help us understand what the next 365 days of our lives will look like. Numbers have a lot of meaning in our lives, but we just have to do the work to interpret what they mean.

To calculate your soul number, you just need to follow this simple formula:

  • First, add up the month and day of your birth, and reduce it down until you have one digit. For example, my birthday is July 18, so it would be 7 (7+1+8=16; 1+6=7). 
  • Then, you’ll want to do the same thing with the calendar year, so for 2018, we would get 2 (2+0+1+8; ((2+1=3+8=11)); 1+1=2). 
  • Finally, add the first and second numbers together until you get a single digit. So, in this example, we would get 9 (7+2=9). 

After you’ve gotten your soul number, read on to see what the coming year will bring into your life!

Here’s what your soul number for 2018 says about you:

1. The start of something new

All of the hard work you did last year will definitely pay off this year! You’ve been working hard to achieve your goals, and this year, all the fruits of your labor will start to blossom. Take any opportunities that present themselves, as this will catapult you into the next adventure in your life!

2. Time for growth

Unlike soul number 1, number 2 means you need to get back to the drawing board and do the inner work necessary for growth in your life. 2018 will be all about personal development for you, and though it’s hard work, you will reap the benefits of it later on. You might find a serious relationship in the cards for you later in the year after you’ve cleared the next path for your journey in life. Take things as they come, and enjoy the moment; becoming your best self doesn’t have to feel like boot camp!

3. Full speed ahead

If you got soul number 3, get ready for a wild ride! All areas of your life will start to expand. However, you might face some financial setbacks as you work to grow your career or business. To you, making new friends and having new experiences takes precedence right now because you can always work on making more money later. Getting that foundation set for years to come takes a lot of financial energy, so you aren’t too concerned with any losses at the moment. This year is about having fun and enjoying all the vibrant energy headed your way!

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4. More responsibility

Did you have a little too much fun last year? That’s all fine and dandy as long as you get back on the grind and take responsibility in your life. Your energy will feel a bit low this year, but that’s because many things have built up and left unattended in your life. Make sure to take plenty of time for yourself this year, and keep your energy balanced. You’ll have a lot of work to do, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect your physical and mental health.

5. Acceptance awaits you

If you got number 5, this year looks good for you. Have you been at odds with yourself for as long as you can remember? Well, that heavy weight of self-loathing will finally lift, and you’ll feel freer than you have in quite some time. You’ll finally start to accept yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin. Not to mention, the stars will align as far as meeting the right friends to help you along your journey. This year is full of synchronicities for you, so make sure you pay attention!

6. Guardian angel

Family and friends really need you right now, so this year calls for you to stay close to home so you can take care of the ones you love. This year won’t offer much in the way of expansion, but not every year will; just remain thankful for the people in your life, and enjoy the time with them while you can.

7. Reflect and recharge

Have you been feeling disconnected from yourself? This year will be all about going within and rediscovering yourself. You’ve been quite busy outwardly, but your inner self is crying out for attention. For soul number 7’s, 2018 will require detachment from anything that doesn’t feel right to you as you work to rebalance your energies and find what truly makes you happy. Don’t worry what others think; do what you need to do in your life in order to feel like you again.

8. The year of opportunity

You might have felt stagnant in the past few years, but this year, your life will do a 360. Prepare yourself for a busy year, because the days of feeling stuck will be a thing of the past. 2018 looks promising in the financial area of your life, as you’ll see major changes in your bank account and your career. Get ready for a lot of doors to open up in your life, as success will finally come your way. Just don’t let it all get to your head – remember to stay humble.

angel number

What’s your angel number?

9. Becoming who you were meant to be

Just like soul number 8, you’ve felt stuck and complacent for some time now. However, this year, you’ll start bridging that gap between who you’ve been and who you want to be. You’ll leave behind relationships, jobs, and anything else that no longer serves you, and learn to stop apologizing for living life the way you want to. However, with change comes a feeling of instability, so make sure you stay grounded and retreat into nature when you start to get imbalanced. Trust that the universe always has your back and wants the very best for you in life.

10 Foods To Eat If You Are Constipated

Okay, so nobody is comfortable talking about bowel movements. Then again, nobody is pleased with being constipated either. We’re in the third camp: we want to help you avoid both!

Per MedicalNewsToday, “Constipation is a condition of the digestive system where an individual has hard feces that are difficult to expel.” This acute condition occurs when the colon absorbs water from the feces; something that the colon does until feces exit the bowels.

If feces remain in the colon too long, they will become hard and dry. Consequently, they may be very painful to expel.

Jordan Karlitz, M.D., a gastroenterologist and assistant clinical professor a Tulane University’s School of Medicine, says “The key is having enough fiber in your diet. You want a good balance of soluble and insoluble fiber as well as enough water intake.” Soluble fiber stimulates fecal water absorption, while insoluble fiber encourages healthy intestinal movement.

Karlitz says that of all the main culprits of constipation, a poor diet is number one.

With this in mind, here are 10 foods to eat if you are constipated:

1. Almonds

As you may know, almonds are packed with heart-healthy fats and various nutrients. They are also an excellent source of soluble fiber, with two handfuls containing about 3.5 grams.

2. Broccoli

Research shows that not eating enough fruits and vegetables makes one more susceptible to constipation. When battling constipation, broccoli is one of the healthier choices, with over 5 grams of insoluble fiber per cup.

3. Black beans

Black beans are one of the most abundant sources of soluble fiber around, containing over 15 grams in just 1 cup. These legumes are also an excellent source of protein. If you’re constipated, these tasty beans should be on your plate.

4. Ground flaxseed

Flaxseed is an incredibly versatile fiber source. Ground flaxseed can be added to pretty much any kind of food or beverage (they’re fantastic as a smoothie ingredient!) One tablespoon of the stuff contains almost 3 grams of soluble fiber.

foods for constipation

RELATED: Here’s Why You Should Eat Flaxseed Every Day

5. High-fiber cereal

Breakfast time is an opportunity to attack constipation first thing in the morning. Skip the sugar-laden stuff and reach for cereal that contains at least 5 grams of fiber per serving. Dr. Karlitz recommends Fiber 1 and All Bran.

6. Oatmeal

Speaking of breakfast, oatmeal is an excellent choice because of its wide range of health benefits. In addition to being heart healthy, oatmeal helps balance cholesterol levels and eases digestion. A ¾ cup serving of oats contains 3 grams of soluble fiber.

7. Prunes or prune juice

Prunes contain a substance known as dihydrophenylisatin, a natural laxative that aids muscles contractions. The fruit also include sorbitol, a sugar alcohol that may also serve as a laxative. Individuals sensitive to sugar substitutes should refrain, however.

8. Yogurt

As a general rule, it’s smart to stay away from the dairy when constipated. However, yogurt is an exception to this rule due to its high concentration of healthy bacteria, i.e., probiotics. Try a low sugar kind, such as Greek yogurt.

9. Strawberries

The tiny seeds in strawberries are what gives them their high soluble fiber content. If you’re not a strawberry fan, a ripe banana will provide roughly the same amount.

10. Whole Wheat Bread

Whole wheat bread is low in fat and high in dietary fiber and complex carbs – nutritional attributes that may help ease constipation. The average slice of whole wheat contains, on average, twice the amount of dietary fiber than white.

Wonder why you’re battling constipation? Want to know what else you can do to ease your tummy troubles? Here are some quick facts about the condition to use as a reference:

– Constipation generally occurs because too much water is absorbed by the colon.

– Causes of constipation include aging, certain medications, and a sedentary lifestyle.

– Certain lifestyle changes, i.e., better diet and more exercise, usually results in fewer episodes of constipation.

– Use of laxatives should be reserved as a last resort (they may negatively alter bowel function and become addictive.)

– Some people may become constipated by consuming milk or other dairy products.

– Individuals with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) usually experience constipation much more frequently than others.

– During pregnancy, women are more susceptible to constipation due to hormonal fluctuations and uterus compression.

– Metabolism slows as we age, in turn reducing intestinal activity. The result is more frequent bouts of constipation.

Sources:
https://greatist.com/eat/best-foods-constipation
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/150322.php

10 Signs Your Partner Is Breadcrumbing You

What is breadcrumbing, first of all? It’s a new slang that means “stringing you along.”

Breadcrumbing is the conscious act of leading someone on for the thrill of the ego boost. It’s the ‘hot’ cycle in the game of hot and cold. Designed to lure in one’s prey through attention, flattery and sexual intrigue, breadcrumbing is completely self-serving. It’s a head trip, played for control and domination,” says author and relationship expert, Susan Winter.

Plenty of relationships have had this particular phenomenon occur. It’s sending noncommittal but flirtatious messages or giving someone just enough attention to keep them interested so the other person has someone on standby.

It’s not fun, and plenty of people might not realize that their partner is “breadcrumbing” them in the first place. Here are some signs that your partner isn’t as invested as you are.

“Breadcrumbing is worse than ghosting because it is more sadistic. Breadcrumbing is a slow and painful death of a relationship, whereas ghosting makes it clear — eventually — that the person is gone.” – Carole Lieberman, M.D.

10 Signs Your Partner Is Breadcrumbing You

breadcrumbing

1. They send sporadic messages

Are you getting messages from them every once in a while but not consistently? You might be getting breadcrumbed if you’re not communicating consistently with them. They send you a message every couple of days, but only on their terms because “their ego is fulfilled when they reach out to you after months and you accepted their previous behavior and continue in a cycle of a dis-satisfactory relationship. Your ego, on the other hand, begins to take a hit to your self-esteem,” says behavioral scientist and relationship expert Clarissa Silva.

2. The messages are meaningless

Sure, sometimes they send you messages with some substance, but usually, it’s just a message that says, “what are you up to?” or “what’s up?” The messages lack substance and pull you back when you feel like they’re drifting away.

3. The messages are vague

They always seem to have a vague message to them, but you never really know what they mean. They say you should hang out soon but never make concrete plans. This is a red flag that you’re being strung by someone who is breadcrumbing you.

4. They want to hook up

When someone is breadcrumbing you, it’s probably because they want to hook up without any commitment. “Sometimes the breadcrumbing happens due to circumstances in someone’s life and they have no idea that they are doing it. Other times, someone is just not ready for a commitment,” says psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Jennifer Rhodes.

Maybe the relationship started out great, you went out together, and had fun, but now you only hang out for late night happy hour and a quickie afterward. Don’t fool yourself: It isn’t a real relationship. They just want to see you once in a while for one reason, and you’re not they only one they’re doing this to,” says relationship expert April Davis.

When you do see each other, it’s usually to get physically intimate pretty quickly. This might be a red flag if you notice your partner is all about hooking up.

wasting time quote

5. They’re noncommittal

You can’t seem to pin them down for anything. They even like to pull the “I don’t like labels” line. While that may be true, it’s probably more likely that they’re breadcrumbing you. This is usually combined with sporadic messages and always wanting to hook up.

Breadcrumbers “… communicate via sporadic noncommittal, but repeated messages — or breadcrumbs — that are just enough to keep you wondering but not enough to seal the deal (whatever that deal may be). Breadcrumbers check in consistently with a romantic prospect, but never set up a date,” says author Jessica Bennett.

6. You don’t feel good

You don’t feel good about a message when you get it. Maybe there’s the initial excitement of getting in contact, but afterward, you start to feel not so great about it. Your heart is racing and you may feel anxiety about the next time they’re going to contact you.

7. You’re wondering what you did wrong

Every time you can’t seem to get ahold of them, or every time there’s a long period between messages, you’re left wondering just what you did wrong. Of course, it was never anything you did wrong in the first place, but the feeling still won’t leave.

8. They always seem to know just when you’re getting over them

While it’s not psychic abilities, it’s probably keeping up with your social media.

When you’ve finally given up hope, the breadcrumber psychically senses your absence. Suddenly, they resurface. Now, the game begins again with more flattery and alluring bait… also known as the breadcrumbs,” adds Winter.

Therefore, if it seems like you’re starting to leave them behind, the bread crumber will tend to reach out to you to make sure that you remember them. It can easily draw you right back in.

9. Late night texts

All day long they had the opportunity to send you a message, but they seem to always send you something late at night. 2 am, 3 am, or later, even. It’s always a message asking what you’re doing, as if you’re not lying in bed trying to get to sleep. This is usually an excuse to make sure that you’re thinking of them even when they’re not thinking of you.

Remember, he doesn’t actually want you – he simply wants to play. This new method is toxic and suffocating because it turns a tease into confusion and heartache. You don’t need to know that you’re being thought of at 4am. You need to be thought of at 4pm – when the sun is still up,” says publisher and stylist Stacey O’Keeffe.

10. Passive aggressive

If your partner always seems to get passive-aggressive or manipulative when you try to confront them about breadcrumbing you, it’s probably a sign that they’re doing just that “because breadcrumbing is passive-aggressive behavior,” says relationship counselor and Gestalt therapist Clinton Power.

People who get defensive and passive-aggressive about their behavior probably don’t want to be called out about it.

breadcrumbing

Final Thoughts on Knowing the Signs of Breadcrumbing

Being on the other end of breadcrumbing can be frustrating. It often makes a person feel worthless and depressed since they can’t understand why they’re not worth someone’s whole commitment. But, if you find yourself on the other end of breadcrumbing, you’ll be able to recognize the signs.

Call them out on their bad behavior. Clarify you know this game and you’re not interested. Walk away… and keep walking. There’s no rehabilitation for an ego in need of this level of compensation,” concludes Winter.

Cutting someone off and stringing you along will make everything much easier for you in the long run.

10 Signs It’s Time to Detox Your Soul

Detoxing for the body is pretty common. Our bodies take in so many things that aren’t good for us that sometimes we need to detox and get back to the basics. But, a lot of people don’t know that the same thing can happen to our souls. Our minds and bodies can both be filled with negatives and things that are bad for our health.

Many health professionals identify depressive rumination as the root cause of unhappiness,” says Dr. Andrew Weil.

These are some signs to watch out for when it’s time to detox your soul, and how to start letting things go and getting your soul back in order…

Here Are 10 Signs Your Soul Needs Detoxification

1. You seek negativity

As the old saying goes “misery loves company”. When you find yourself scrolling through various news feeds or reading things that you know will upset you, then it’s time to step back and think about detoxing your soul.

Negative people can drag you down over time, and you might not even realise it until it’s been happening for too long. It’s certainly worth mentioning that there’s a big difference between a negative person, and a person that happens to be going through a negative situation – so be mindful of that possibility,” says business mentor Bev James.

Turning off your device and connecting with people you love is a great way to stop seeking misery and feeding bad things to your soul.

2. You’re not mindful when you speak

Do you find that most of the time when you start to talk, everything you say is sarcastic? Do you tend to hurt people’s feelings or put them off without meaning to? That calls for a detox of the soul. You’re not being mindful of the things you say because you’re so full of negativity. Purposefully uplifting others and thinking of kind things can help with this.

3. Your friends don’t want to be around you

If you’re constantly giving off negative vibes, then it’s no wonder that your friends probably don’t want to hang around you as much. This is a major red flag that your soul needs some serious detoxing so that you can start connecting with your friends again. No longer seeking negativity and surrounding yourself with people who make you happy will do wonders.

4. You feel numb

Emotions are what make us human. No emotion is bad. Emotions are neutral, and it’s how we deal with them that make the situation better or worse. But when you start to feel numb, and nothing is either good or bad, it’s time to detox your soul.

We treat the chronic pain with pain medication. We treat the insomnia with sleeping pills. We treat the weight issues with diet and exercise. And most damagingly, we may label soul loss as mental illness, such as depression, and cover up the symptoms with psychiatric medications that may make things worse by slapping a Band-aid on a wound that’s not healing underneath the bandage,” says physician, speaker and author Lissa Rankin, MD.

Therefore, getting in touch with all of your senses can kickstart your emotions back into gear and help you heal that wound underneath the bandage.

soul detox

5. You enjoy other people’s misfortunes

Instead of feeling sympathy or empathy when things go wrong for other people, you find yourself being gleeful that something is going wrong for someone else for a change. How would you want others to react if you were in their shoes? Confronting the ugliness honestly is the best way to detox.

“The problem is that many bitter people don’t know they are bitter. since they are so convinced that they are right, they can’t see their own wrong in the mirror. And the longer the root of bitterness grows, the more difficult it is to remove.” – Craig Groeschel

6. Happy people annoy you

Being surrounded by others who are happy can make you feel even more miserable. You may feel cut off from your positive emotions.

A trait that many happy people share is the ability to accept things as they are. While we don’t have control over everything that happens in the outside world, we can control what happens inside of us: how we choose to think, feel and react to those outside situations. The quality of our lives is determined by those very thoughts and actions,” says story-teller and copywriter Dawn Gluskin

Meditating and keeping yourself surrounded by a support system of people you love will help lift this particular negative feeling and help you detox your soul. Happiness should be contagious, not upsetting.

7. You don’t sleep well

Either you have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking up. Maybe you have nightmares that wake you up in the middle of the night. This is your soul trying to tell you that you need to detox, immediately. Meditation can be a great tool to help if you realign your soul and get you more sleep so you can feel positive during the day.

8. You’re always the victim

At least, that’s how you see yourself. You’re always the one who has been slighted, or someone has done wrong against you. If you find yourself in situations where you’re always being victimized, it might be time to take a serious look at your soul, and ask yourself: are you really the victim here? Maybe the negativity has just caught up with you.

Negative thoughts give birth to negative words, which in turn create more negative thoughts. Train yourself to notice whenever you are thinking, speaking, or even behaving in a negative manner, and as soon as you notice it stop yourself and turn it around,” says author Dar Payment.

9. You avoid meditation or prayer

These activities are what force us to spend time with ourselves and our thoughts in our most honest and vulnerable moments. If you’re avoiding doing this, it’s probably because there’s something inside your soul that you don’t want to confront. Take it baby steps at a time and focus on meditating more and more each day until you can start the detoxing that your soul needs.

Meditation soothes the soul. Turning inward is a beautiful way to clear away the muck of spiritual junk food. Listening to your internal wisdom is a quick path to shedding that which does not serve you,” says inspirational speaker and yoga teacher Rebecca Butler.

10. You’re always bored

Nothing seems fulfilling. Your hobbies don’t entice you anymore and nothing sounds fun. Your soul is in need of some serious detoxing so that you can start feeling emotionally connected to the things that you love again. Reaching out to your support network and getting in touch with the things you love again will be a big help.

Final thoughts

When bad chemicals build up in our bodies, it causes a toxic overload. This can make us feel lethargic or even make us sick. In a similar way, negative emotions can build up in our bodies, too. This can weigh heavily on our minds, spirits and bodies when ignored,” say Dr. Eric & Sabrina Ann Zielinski.

Our bodies and our souls both need attention when it comes to negativity and things that are bad for us. Keep in mind these red flags if your soul needs a serious detox. It’s not just our bodies that can become sick – so can our souls and our minds.

References:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-hyde/cleansing_b_1375150.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/bev-james/the-6-step-negativity-det_b_17725138.html
https://drericz.com/emotional-healing/
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-20587/11-signs-you-need-a-spiritual-detox-how-to-make-it-happen.html
https://www.darpayment.com/signs-you-need-a-spiritual-detox/
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dawn-gluskin/positive-thinking_b_2623144.html
http://lissarankin.com/20-diagnostic-signs-that-youre-suffering-from-soul-loss

Experts Describe 5 Ways to Handle Infidelity In A Relationship

Infidelity is horrible – there’s nothing worse than that; it’s devastating. – Jessica Capshaw

Relationship counsellor Lauren Sokolski says, “I think of infidelity or an affair as any sort of extra-‘marital’ relationship that detracts from either the emotional or physical/sexual relationship you are having with your significant other. What I mean by detracting from the main relationship is to do with the energy and attention that is being invested into another person at the expense of the primary relationship.

When infidelity arises in a relationship, our emotions can get the best of us. We may want to yell, scream and cry, but that isn’t the best, or most mature, course of action. There are ways to deal with infidelity in a relationship that doesn’t include letting yourself give in to your emotions. It may feel like the relationship and trust is forever broken, but that doesn’t always have to be the case. While things may feel impossible, it’s important to take a deep breath and focus your energy on what to do when adultery happens in the relationship.

Here Are 5 Ways To Handle Infidelity In A Relationship

1. Identify the problems in the relationship

Infidelity doesn’t show up in relationships out of nowhere – not usually. Sometimes we can pinpoint it to someone’s poor personality and lack of respect for their partner, but that isn’t always the case. When infidelity occurs, a key reason is that there is something wrong in the relationship.

… If there is a sincere change in behavior, and if the problems that led to the infidelity are addressed and corrected, and both parties approach the problem with a sincere wish to discover what went wrong and fix it, then forgiveness is an important part of the healing process, whether the couple stay married or not,” says psychotherapist and author Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

Taking the time to identify what these problems are will mean that the couple will be able to move forward with healing, rather than just wallowing in the pain and guilt of the infidelity. Both partners need to be willing to listen about what the problems and difficulties are.

I’ve talked with plenty of people who say with pride that they never talked about the affair. That’s not healing. You need to reach the point where you can talk about it without pain. If you never, ever discuss it, you cannot recover,” adds author Peggy Vaughan.

2. Create opportunities to connect

Shutting your partner out is a snap decision for many people struggling with a partner who committed adultery in the relationship. In order to deal with an infidelity with maturity, not allowing yourself to give into the instinct of shutting your partner out is important. Both partners need to be given the opportunity to speak and connect with one another, which includes the partner who sought out the extramarital affair. In order to do this, you need to be able to spend time together talking about both painful topics, as well as spending time without discussing them as well.

If you’re serious about fixing the problems in your relationship, it’s crucial that you both begin to face each other honestly and openly…. It’s time to take an honest look at what went wrong…. it’s the only way to repair the damage done. Be willing to make the changes that will fix them,” adds Dr. Tessina.

infidelity

RELATED: Never Let A Cheater Get Away With These Excuses…

3. Accepting responsibility

As the offending partner, accepting responsibility is paramount to being able to move forward in the relationship after an affair. The person who had the affair is both responsible for their choices as well as their behavior. Trying to point fingers and say that there’s something in the relation that “made” them become unfaithful is not going to help move past it, nor is that dealing with it in a mature fashion.

The wounded partner will feel the stirrings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness. Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair,” says Dr. John Gottman in his book titled ‘What Makes Love Last?’

The only way to deal with infidelity in a mature way is to accept responsibility for the things that you have done.

Forgiving each other doesn’t mean condoning what happened, or that it would be OK if it happened again. What it does mean, is that you’re willing to close that chapter and move on. Your therapist can help you understand and create mutual forgiveness,” concludes Dr. Tessina.

4. Cut off contact with the affair partner

This is important if the end goal is to reconcile the original relationship. The offending partner should not be continuing to have contact with the person that they had an affair with. To begin rebuilding trust, this is the first and foremost rule. Not only this, but the offending partner must be willing to tell their partner where they are going, so as to help rebuild the trust that was broken by the affair.

Accepting that the trust was once broken and now needs to be rebuilt is important in moving the relationship forward.

5. Therapy or counseling

To move forward from an affair, both partners must be willing to accept help. Some people tend to shut down at the thought of counseling. Perhaps they find it hard to be truthful and open. However, going forward with trying to heal from an infidelity can fall apart without a trained professional to help guide you forward.

Therapy can provide the opportunity for couples to address feelings openly and honestly in a safe place in order to be able to make some changes in their relationship,” says registered social worker and therapist Lauren Sokolski.

The mature way to deal with an infidelity is to accept help where it is needed, and allow someone to guide you through the steps to help heal. A counselor or therapist can be key, due to being an unbiased and outside observer to the relationship who will not judge either partner.

Final thoughts

When a couple faces an affair in their relationship, it can be something that tears a couple apart. The rift in the relationship can easily grow larger if the affair is not dealt with in a mature manner. Get the help early to prevent from burning bridges permanently. Giving into your basic instincts to fight and shut down will only break the relationship further.

The couple needs to let go of the parts of their marriage which were not working, and then move towards creating a new dynamic in the relationship. Couples can emerge from an affair with a better sense of who they each are and what they want from their relationship,” says licensed marriage and family therapist David Klow.

Accepting responsibility, allowing yourself to connect with your partner and identifying the problems in the relationship will allow the couple to move forward and heal.

References:
https://clintonpower.com.au/2013/10/adultery-infidelity-damages/
https://www.askmen.com/dating/cheating.html
https://www.gottman.com/product/what-makes-love-last/
https://www.self.com/story/why-some-couples-can-recover-after-cheating-and-others-cant
https://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/
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