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Psychologists Explain How to Get Rid of Relationship Stress

“Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy. There’s going to be stress in life, but it’s your choice whether you let it affect your relationship or not.” – Valerie Bertinelli

Being the social creatures that we are, seeking out a relationship is only natural. Relationships can be a great source of strength, happiness, and positivity. Like everything, though, relationships can become stressful. Maybe the stress is from an outside source, like long work hours or business traveling.

Stress can also form internally within the relationship and cause health concerns. Tension in relationships can be a daunting thing to deal with, but there are ways to effectively handle that stress and make sure your relationship continues to stay a source of strength and love for both you and your partner.

SEVEN POSITIVE WAYS TO DEAL WITH RELATIONSHIP STRESS

Here you’ll find seven useful techniques to work out your relationship stress and build a stronger relationship.

1. YOU ARE IN THIS TOGETHER

Situations that arise in relationships that cause stress and tension can make it easy to feel like one or the other is to blame. When it gets tempting to put the blame on your partner, or even yourself, take a moment to reflect on if either of you has done something worth blame, or if the situation is out of your hands. Dealing with stress means that you are dealing with it together. You and your partner are both on the same team, and remembering that can help both of you continue to be sources of strength for one another.

2. BE FLEXIBLE

Being open to change in your relationship can go a long way to dealing with stress. If you find yourself too set in your ways, completely rigid and unwilling to change, it can create even more problems on top of the ones you already have. Being flexible in your relationship, whether that means changing plans to meet or expending emotional labor to help your partner through a difficult time, can work wonders in a stressful situation. Relationships work through communication and compromise. Find what works best with both you and your partner.

3. STAY CONNECTED

When stress hits a relationship, it can be hard to feel emotionally or physically connected with your partner. Practicing small ways to stay connected can help both you and your partner weather the storm of stress. This could be taking time at the beginning or end of your day to be physically affectionate or intimate, or doing something small like sending a text to remind your partner that you are thinking of them and sending good and positive thoughts their way. Staying connected with your partner is the most important thing in dealing with relationship stress.

relationship stress

4. ASK YOURSELF: IS THIS A RATIONAL REACTION?

When something stressful happens, it can be easy to allow your emotions to take over the rational part of your brain. No matter what the situation is, try taking a moment to pause and ask yourself if you are dealing with the situation at hand in a rational way. Allowing yourself to have an emotional reaction is important, but it’s also important to make sure that emotional reaction isn’t superseding the most logical course of action to dealing with the stressful situation.

5. PRACTICE TOLERANCE AND COMPASSION

People deal with stress in different ways, and you and your partner are not always going to have the same reaction to a stressful situation. While one partner may be able to roll with the punches, the other may react with fear and anxiety. Understanding how one another deals with stress can make it easier to help each other through the current situation.

6. MAKE A PLAN–AND STICK TO IT!

Sitting down together and making a concrete plan of what needs to be done can turn a stressful situation around within hours. Make sure that both you and your partner are aware of each other’s expectations, and whether or not you can meet them. If you can’t, then you’ll need to adjust your expectations and make compromises. Figure out what can wait until the situation passes. Having a game plan can turn any stressful situation on its head, and give both you and your partner some much-needed relief.

7. HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM

Even though the stress is stemming from your relationship, you and your partner don’t have to be the only ones to handle it. Remember, you have an outside support system as well through family and friends. Utilize your support system. Being able to go to someone else outside your relationship for help, comfort, and advice will take some of the emotional strain off your partner and ultimately allow you to better deal with the stress together.

Stress in relationships happens. It’s an unavoidable reality in adult relationships. But it doesn’t have to be overwhelming, and it doesn’t have to be detrimental. Learning how to deal with stress properly can make your relationship stronger than ever. It can also make the situation less stressful in the first place.

You and your partner will benefit from learning how to deal with stress in your lives, both individually with internal stress as well as stress that happens from outside situations, like a job loss or a busy schedule. Don’t let your worries get the better of you. You have the capabilities to deal with anything that life throws at you, and if you don’t, then you have a partner who can help share the burdens.

4 Reasons People Procrastinate (And How to Avoid It)

Definition of ‘procrastinate’:

(procrastinated; procrastinating)

: to put off intentionally and habitually

: to put off intentionally the thing of something that should have been done

– Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

We’re all guilty of it; we’ve all felt the dreaded presence of some unfinished task seemingly chipping away at our very consciousness. It’s uncomfortably persistent – this is procrastination.

So why do we subject ourselves to such emotions?

Well, there are a couple of big reasons. For 99 percent of the population, work sucks. Work is the antonym of fun or freedom. Work is often viewed (neither rightly or wrongly) as a means to an end – nothing less and nothing more. We have bills and responsibilities, both of which require money. Money requires work – it’s a catch-22.

The good news is that we needn’t feel this way. We need not feel the chronic, internal pain that procrastination manifests. How is this possible? By understanding the rationale behind why we procrastinate and doing something about it.

The above paragraph brings us to the topic of this article. We’ll discuss four main reasons why we procrastinate and (most importantly) what we can do about it.

Let’s go!

Here are four big reasons why we put things off:

1. We’re unorganized

Not having any semblance of structure to our routine breeds procrastination. Even in today’s “organized” workplace, it’s easier than ever to choose delay over decision making. Needless to say, technology (read: social media, smartphones, and the internet) dangles the carrot of self-gratification closer to our collective faces.

The point? We’ll sometimes override the rational mind, which subtly whispers, “get this done” for a quick shot of endorphins (via IM, YouTube, web-surfing, etc.)

This, of course, is not an organized way of living. It is also counterproductive to the utmost.

Solution: (This from a self-proclaimed impulsive who learned the hard way. Schedule things. Keep a clock or watch on your desk – and resolve to go one day at a time diligently keeping on track. This is a habit, and one that you’ll learn quicker than you think!)

2. Boring tasks

Any work that’s perceived as boring, uninteresting, or unpleasant is ripe for deferment. We’ll even attempt to rationalize why something should be put off (“I’ll have plenty of time tomorrow morning/afternoon/evening, right?”) Meanwhile, our logic is face-to-face with the sexiness of base desires.

Think of the handsome and beautiful bachelor or bachelorette who realistically knows and feels when someone is not right for him or her. Yet, this “someone” creates an inexplicable sense of exhilaration and novelty they’ve never experienced. So, they “rationalize” and “compromise” with themselves. Maybe they’re sick of dating. Maybe they’re getting older, etc.

A redundant task, whether it’s work or dating, is so easy to put off – and many of us do just that.

Solution: Gentle discipline – that’s all. Listen, we all have jobs, duties, and responsibilities that we don’t like doing. But you can make a choice to move forward in any case. Gentle discipline is nothing more than concentrating your mind on the task at hand – and (most important) gently redirecting your mind’s focus when it strays off course. Over time, your self-discipline will become stronger – and you’ll reap incredible rewards!

procrastination

3. Anxiety

Procrastination (i.e., avoidance) is a method of coping with anxiety and stress. Perhaps we feel an impending sense of failure or fear, which is the case more often than not.

Stress sucks and is potentially harmful to both mind and body. It’s only natural, then, that we seek reprieve from anxiety, stress, and worry. We all attempt to liberate ourselves of stress – in its myriad forms – to some degree or another.

Once again, our basic instincts will try to control decision making. We’ll look for immediate rewards and all the “benefits” that such rewards bring. Of course, “Option B” is often worse than if we faced the source of anxiety in the first place.

Solution: Understand that anxiety is nothing but a theatricality of the mind. Second, it is important to find an outlet to reduce anxiety that’s in the best interest of both you and your aspirations. Self-gratification is too often a recipe for both regret and lower self-esteem.

4. Lack of ability or confidence

Another universal propensity of human beings is self-doubt. For people with low levels of self-confidence, this is a potentially debilitating experience. So, rather than get to the root of the problem, some of us will avoid it altogether.

Once again, this is another certain facet of life. Some experiences, though they may be painful, often reap more (sometimes intangible/unnoticeable) rewards than not having gone through them in the first place.

Solution: Set small goals and do the best you can to achieve them. Acknowledge that you’re lacking confidence and move forward despite it. One of two outcomes is a certainty: (a) you’ll “succeed” and gain more confidence, or (b) you’ll “fail,” but become a stronger person as a result. Notice that option (b) is still a success!

A great quote to remember:

From legendary writer Hunter S. Thompson:

“A man who procrastinates in his choosing will inevitably have his choice made for him by circumstance.”

Choose YOUR circumstance – as this is where real freedom lives.

Adrenal Fatigue: Is It Making You Gain Weight?

Most of us are aware of the mind-body connection, or how the inner workings of our psyche can manifest into physical sensations and experiences. Weight gain related to the fight-or-flight response is just another example of this phenomenon. You might also hear others call this adrenal fatigue.

WebMD refers to the fight-or-flight response as a “survival mode” because, way back in the day, lives depended on it. If your FoF wasn’t finely tuned, you could get mauled by something much faster and stronger lurking in the bushes.

Today, while most of us are relatively safe from dangerous wildlife, we still, of course, have an FoF response hardwired into our brains. Instead of facing threats from wildlife or the possibility of starvation, we are facing bad drivers, overwork, long hours, and a 24/7 “always-on” society. Indeed, while the FoF response is activated differently, much of the effects on our body remain the same.

Here, we discuss the connection between FoF and weight gain; more specifically, five signs that this brain mechanism may be the culprit of some extra pounds. Finally, we’ll wrap up by providing some recommendations on what we can do to deal with it.

“Most of us become overeaters when we’re feeling a lot of pressure. This happens thanks to your fight-or-flight response, a.k.a. survival mode – once your body reaches a certain stress level, it does what it feels it needs to do. In most cases, that means overeat.” WebMD

Adrenal Fatigue and weight gain

When our brain is in FoF mode, our body immediately goes on the defensive – and this action requires a lot of energy. As such, the body “thinks” it needs calories to compensate for this energy expenditure when it, in fact, doesn’t. Subsequently, we believe we need more calories when we really don’t.

In FoF mode, the “stress hormone” cortisol is released, this triggers higher insulin levels as our blood sugar plummets. What is the quickest way to compensate for this? You guessed it: fatty, sugar-laden foods. Instead of a healthy option, like an apple or banana, we’ll often opt for a cookie or some ice cream.

Fatty and sugary foods instigate a chemical reaction that suppresses the FoF response and helps to calm us down. They’re also quite tasty, which explains how stressed folks get hooked on certain comfort foods.

The reaction looks something like this: “More stress = more cortisol = higher appetite for junk food = more belly fat.”

5 Signs Adrenal Fatigue Is Making You Gain Weight

Throwing a wrench into this well-oiled (no pun intended) biological machine requires conscious awareness on our part. Here are five signs that our “FoF autopilot” is leading to weight gain:

1. We put on pounds quick

Nothing packs on the pounds faster than the combination of stress and comfort foods. As mentioned, our body’s response to stress is cyclical and mechanized unless we intervene. So, if you jumped on the scale only to immediately jump back off in horror, your stress may be to blame.

2. Check your cupboards

What do you see? A well-balanced and healthy mix of foods, or something that resembles the grocery list of Willy Wonka? If your kitchen cabinets resemble more of the latter, don’t fret; just recognize your mistake and make the conscious choice to purchase more natural, healthy foods.

3. Your job can cause you to gain weight

The simple fact is that around 70 percent of Americans more or less hate their job. Another simple fact is that around 70 percent of Americans are considered overweight or obese. Correlation doesn’t imply causation, but these statistics are eye-opening – and, on an individual level, should make us take a step back and assess our work environment.

4. You lack interest in once-enjoyable activities

While this may sound like a depression-related symptom, stress can also cause us to lose interest in activities. This is a double-edged sword. First, we’re more likely to eat when idle. Second, we have less motivation to engage in activity that moves the body, which helps to keep stress (and weight) at healthy levels.

5. People express their concern

Sometimes, we’re not able to see some things about ourselves that others do. Individuals who love and care for you may express concerns about your health (e.g. weight), or about your appearance (e.g. “looking stressed” or “looking anxious.”) Listening and not dismissing other people’s observations may help get us out of the rut we find ourselves.

Recommendations:

  • WebMD provides some excellent tips to ward of the FoF and stress response.
  • Light exercise – a brisk walk or slow jog, for example.
  • Meditation or mindful breathing. Also, exercises like tai chi and yoga may thwart some of the hunger impulses due to stress.
  • Find some support. If you’re overwhelmed, it’s important that you have someone who will listen. Look to a family member or close friend.
  • Sleep well. 7 to 9 hours is recommended for healthy adults.
  • Relax and get back into your routine.

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

The 6 Most Attractive Behaviors (And How to Have Them)

“When you have confidence, that’s what becomes attractive to other people and makes them want to work with you and spend time with you.” – Emmanuelle Chriqui

Being attractive is more than just about looks – after all, those are subjective and subject to change at the whim of the latest trends of society. Attraction also greatly depends on how you act, and the types of behaviors you exhibit day to day when interacting with people. Someone can just as easily fall madly in love with your personality as they do the way you look.

After all, you are a whole person, made up of traits and flaws that round you out to be a human being. There are a number of behaviors that are attractive in a person, whether you are a man or a woman. Learning how to harness these types of behaviors can make you both more attractive, as well as an all-around more positive and happier person.

6 OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE BEHAVIORS AND HOW TO HAVE THEM

1. GOOD LISTENERS

People love to feel heard and understood. Being a good listener is one of the most attractive qualities a person can have, because it ensures you will be able to make connections with people. When you can listen to what other people are saying and not just wait for your turn in the conversation, you will be able to create meaningful moments between you and another person.

Being a good and active listener means that you are taking in what the other person is saying, making them feel heard and understood. It’s an attractive quality, and it forms strong bonds and connections.

2. KINDNESS

This seems like a no-brainer, but being kind is another highly attractive quality that a person can have. When you exhibit kindness, people will feel drawn towards you, because you will radiate the kind of positivity that makes people feel loved and appreciated.

People are more attracted to those who engage in behaviors that are selfless, thoughtful, and kind, rather than those who are mean-spirited and cruel. You will be surprised to find that when you engage in more behaviors that are altruistic, you will feel more positive, which will make people gravitate into your orbit.

kind

3. SMILING

This one is easy, and it’s proven to make you feel better even when you are having a rough day! Smiling is one of the most basic and easiest things that a person can do to make themselves more attractive to people around them.

Smiling releases endorphins, which will heighten your mood, which will make you more positive, which will cause you to smile more – it’s an endless cycle! When people see you smile, they will also feel a sense of positivity, and they will associate you with those happy feelings.

4. LAUGHTER

Hand-in-hand with smiling, laughter will also help draw people in and make you more attractive to them. Laughter is another act that releases endorphins just by doing it, and it’s also healthy for both your emotional and physical health!

It will lower your stress levels, and with low-stress levels you will have better moods. And, people are drawn to those who laugh, and who make them laugh in turn! It feels good to laugh, which means people will automatically find themselves drawn to those who make them feel good.

5. CONFIDENCE

As they say, confidence is key! Being confident will make you both attractive to others, while also making you feel better about yourself. Being confident in yourself, your looks, your abilities, and your work will draw people in. If you project an air of self-shame or self-loathing, you are likely to put people off of interacting with you.

On the other hand, when you own yourself, you will be more likely to make others feel good and confident about themselves as well. People who exhibit radiant confidence are much more alluring to the people around them.

6. UNDERSTANDING NONVERBAL CUES

Being a good listener is important – but what about the things that people aren’t saying? Being able to read someone’s body language will help you be a better listener, as well as show that you are capable of understanding how they are feeling even without them having to tell you.

Empathy is an attractive quality, and empathy is all about nonverbal cues. When you are able to read someone’s nonverbal cues, you can give them what they need without them having to ask, which will bring about interactions that are healthy, positive, and long-lasting.

As you can see, beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but behavior can be universally attractive. Taking the time to study your own habits and choices, and change them to more attractive behaviors, can do wonders for all of the social interactions you have in your life. You will not only attract people to you in a romantic sense, but also platonic, life-long friendships as well. You will also find that your attitude towards life can change to a much more upbeat and positive one once you start engaging in behaviors that are designed to make you a more empathetic, kind and compassionate person.

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

Childhood Trauma: How to Heal And Move On

Therapy is traditionally one way you might choose to heal your inner child, but it is actually not the only way to do so. Discovering the best healing for you involves some self-knowledge. What works for you is going to be based on your preferences. The important thing is to keep trying until you find the right healing technique for your inner child.

Here are 5 ways to heal your inner child:

inner child

1. Read about healing your specific inner child’s wounds

In her book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,” author Dr. Karyl McBride focuses on the emotional wounds of daughters who had to be their own parent as they were vulnerable. What was that like for you as a child to have needs or wants that no one paid attention to? How did you choose to respond when that happened?

Self-analysis means being able to see your own repeating patterns of behavior from childhood to now. As a child, you didn’t know how to get your needs met when no one would listen. Now, you have skills to communicate your needs and wants. Check your own behavior now to see if you are expressing those needs effectively. If you cannot be self-reflective of your behavior, you may need a therapist to help you step back to see how your wounds are affecting you.

If you have unmet needs or wants, you may be repeating your ineffective patterns from childhood. For example overreacting, whining, or giving others the silent treatment are poor ways of saying what you need or want. The adult ‘us’ knows that when the inner ‘child’ speaks, they are not going to be effective. See? Nobody listens to us and our adult needs are not being met.

2. Work it out, physically

You have painful emotions when you have a wounded inner child, so heal your inner child by getting physical. Exercise, especially in nature, can help you to become present-moment focused. You are making a positive choice right now to heal your inner self because dwelling in the past will not help you move beyond it.

3. Work it out, emotionally

Emotions can physically reside in our bodies as pain. Healing emotional pain could also help you heal from physical pain. One example of how emotional healing works in the body is the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or tapping therapy. Nick Ortner of the Tapping Solution shows us how easy it is to heal our negative emotions in this video. EFT as a therapy is supported by medical professionals. Henry Altenberg, MD of the EFT Advisory Board, says ‘In my 50 years as a practicing psychiatrist, EFT has proven to be one of the most rapid and effective techniques I’ve ever used.’

4. Become your own amazing parent now

Although you didn’t have the loving supportive childhood that you should have had, you can still have a good parent; yourself. Be the mother that you wish you had by being kind and loving toward yourself. Be the kind of father that you wish you had by telling yourself how proud you are of what you’ve overcome so far.

younger

5. Look back sparingly and think big picture

John Bradshaw, author of “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child,” says that we can find our inner child by writing a letter to the person we hold responsible for our childhood wounds and tell them why we felt hurt. However, living in a negative past that cannot be changed is what can lead down a hole to depression. Don’t go there. Instead, tell your inner child that you survived the past, which means you have surviving and thriving skills to put to work now.

It’s those who have overcome hardships who usually have the most drive to succeed, seemingly to prove their worthiness either to themselves or those who have doubted them. Let your past motivate you to exceed, not just succeed. Clearly, through surviving the pain you’ve experienced, you were meant to move past your past. To heal your inner child is to fulfill your purpose. If you haven’t figured out what your purpose is yet, maybe it’s time. Ask yourself who can benefit from your story and then help them to heal as you heal yourself.

5 Hidden Behaviors Aggressive People Display Before Revealing Themselves

“Whenever you’re aggressive, you’re at the edge of mistakes.” – Mario Andretti

In life, people who are confident and go-getters tend to be well-received. A certain kind of positive and healthy motivation is expected, the kind that gets things done in a timely manner and motivates others to work at a desired pace with a positive outcome. However, sometimes that positive motivation can turn negative, unhealthy and toxic aggression.

There’s a way to sort out those whose attitude in life, in the workplace, and with friends tips the scales from self-motivation and goal-orientation into harassment and toxicity. Aggression is reserved for negative interactions. Someone who is aggressive with not have positive interactions while acting on that emotion.

Aggression is often against someone or something, and is not a healthy motivator. Being able to spot an aggressive person means that you will be able to navigate interactions with them, and maybe even spin a negative and aggressive situation into a more positive outcome.

5 Hidden Behaviors Aggressive People Display Before Revealing Themselves

1. GOSSIPING

Aggressive people will be the type who can’t help but gossip. Stirring the pot and turning their friends, family or co-workers against one another with gossip can be one of the hallmark signs of an aggressive person. The goal of gossiping is to spread discontent, and to be able to spin and control a situation by telling half-truths or outright fabrications.

They will often try and get other people to engage in gossiping with them, so they can continue to justify their toxic behavior to themselves. If you find yourself in a situation where someone is encouraging you to gossip, refuse to engage. Change the subject, and keep doing so until they lose interest. Encourage the people around you not to gossip as well.

2. COMPLAINING

People who tend to be aggressive also tend to be constant complainers. They never have anything good to say about a situation, and will always find something to complain about. People who tend to complain about everything also tend to be angry about those things as well. Anger goes hand-in-hand with aggression.

Aggressive people who complain will often try and get others to go along with them, and encourage other people to agree with their negative outlook. When faced with a constant complainer, turn the conversation around to all of the good things that are happening. Sometimes people need to complain, but allowing them to complain will only feed into their toxic behavior.

3. MOBBING

This behavior often goes hand-in-hand with gossiping. An aggressive person may pick out someone they don’t like and use gossip and other aggressive behaviors to turn friends, family or co-workers against one specific person. They will encourage others to act just as aggressively as them, effectively “mobbing” the person they have chosen to single out.

People who exhibit this particular toxic behavior will justify it to themselves and others, by continuing to spread gossip about the person or people they have singled out. If you find yourself in a situation where you are being encouraged to mob another person, be the first to stand up and point out that this behavior is toxic and unacceptable.

aggressive people

4. SABOTAGING

Aggressive people will often sabotage others. They will deliberate cause harm to other. They may justify this toxic behavior to themselves by saying that the other person had it coming. Or, they may simply not want others to have what they don’t.

They may go so far as to sabotage a co-worker’s project, or they may sabotage relationships between people by using the gossiping or mobbing techniques. If you, or someone else, are the target, point out that you are aware of what the aggressive person doing. Sometimes, that is all it takes to ruin their fun.

5. POTENCY

Aggressive people often view the world and interactions with other people in black and white terms. They will see everyone as either “winners” or “losers”, with a desire for themselves to be one of the “winners”.

Even when there is nothing material for them to gain, aggressive people will treat many of their social interactions with people as if they need to come out on top. Refuse to engage with this type of thinking when faced with an aggressive person who seems to be treating your conversations like a competition.

If you find yourself interacting with someone who exhibits a few or all of these toxic behaviors, you may be dealing with an aggressive person. Once you are able to spot these types of behaviors, you will be better equipped to turn the situation around and keep the peace between yourself, as well as everyone else. Refusing to engage with an aggressive person’s brand of manipulation is the first step in being better prepared to resist their negativity.

https://youtu.be/B4hPwao5a3U

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved
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