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Research Reveals How You Can Control Your Emotions

April 27, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Our theory of constructed emotion hypothesizes that “anger,” “sadness,” “fear,” and similar mental events are not basic building blocks in the mind, but instead are mental events that result from the dynamic interplay of more basic brain networks (not) specific to emotion. – Lisa Feldman Barrett, Ph.D.

Lisa Feldman Barrett is a brilliant and accomplished woman with the credentials to show for it. Despite all her accomplishments: Distinguished Professor at Northeastern University, Research Neuroscientist and Massachusetts General Hospital, Lecturer at Harvard Medical School, etc. Soon she may very well become known as the woman who revolutionized emotional intelligence.

In her book “How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain,” Dr. Barrett puts forth a potentially groundbreaking theory called the Theory of constructed emotion. Indeed, her successful challenge of the “emotional status-quo” already has a sizeable impact across multiple fields: psychology, medicine, law, and meditation.

This article attempt to explain – in the simplest terms possible – Dr. Barrett’s important work. Further, we’ll explain how Dr. Barrett’s discoveries allow us to identify, understand, and regulate our emotions!

What are emotions?

“You might think that in everyday life, the things you see and hear influence what you feel. But it’s mostly the other way around,” explains Dr. Barrett.

Gosh, it’s hard to define what constitutes an emotion, isn’t it? Where does an emotion “come from?” Why are we happy, sad, angry, frustrated, fearful, etc.? Indeed, emotions feel automatic and uncontrollable.

Are they? Can emotions be controlled – if so, how?

For years, many scientists explained (or attempted to rationalize) that emotions are “hardwired” into our brain and body – a phenomenon of underlying biological processes. This “classical” view on emotions dates back nearly 2,500 years ago to the time of Plato.

Perhaps we need to clarify this.

This old theory doesn’t sit well with some psychologists. Other scientists, including Dr. Barrett, whose research “overturns the widely-held belief that emotions are housed in different parents are the brain…(showing) that emotion is constructed at the moment, by core systems that interact across the whole brain, aided by a lifetime of learning.”

To advance her findings, Dr. Barrett founded the Interdisciplinary Affective Science Laboratory in Boston, Massachusetts. Barrett’s research and publications soon became a notable success.

Because of this success, Dr. Barrett eventually expanded operational capabilities. Today, two of her team’s primary locations are Northeastern University and Massachusetts General Hospital – a teaching hospital of Harvard University. Dr. Barrett has also hired 20-plus employees who comprise some of the brightest young and experienced minds in neuroscience.

Barrett’s discoveries about emotions

“…what you feel alters your sight and hearing. Interoception is more influential to perception, and how you act than the outside world is.”

Interoception is “your brain’s representation of all sensations from your internal organs and tissues, the hormones in your blood, and your immune system.” It is a sensory system responsible for detecting internal regulation responses – digestions, heart rate, hunger, and respiration among them.

Dr. Barrett clarifies: “Basically, your brain is processing internal and external sensations all the same time and making meaning out of them. That’s what an emotion is.”

In the simplest possible terms: emotions are not merely a biological process. In fact, emotions are the byproduct of some 90 billion neurons and hundreds of trillions of synapses. If necessary, please read that again…hundreds of trillions of electrical signals are rapidly firing in our brain.

“What we see, hear, taste, touch, and smell,” Dr. Barrett explains, “are all simulations of the world, not reactions to it.” She relates this conclusion to a near-universal truth” “You don’t walk around being surprised all the time.”

The extraordinary complexity of our brain tunes in finely to our immediate environment. Indeed, throughout years and years of evolution, our gray matter became accustomed to “predicting” what “happens next” in any situation – a constant state of analysis.

Dr. Barrett uses a personal (and admittedly cute) anecdote to illustrate: she and her daughter entertained the notion of a “gross foods” experiment. The duo “mashed baby food – peaches, spinach, beer, and so on – and artfully smeared it on diapers.” Many guests, privy to the fact that it was “just food,” still gagged. Others did not. The different experiences of Dr. Barrett’s guests were not a “reactive” response but rather an individualistic interpretation of both internal and external stimuli.

Other examples of controlling emotions

Other examples Dr. Barrett gives people who smile when frightened and laugh in anger. In other words, biological mechanisms cannot explain the human emotional experience.

Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), Dr. Barrett and her colleagues studied brain images before, during, and after certain stimuli were introduced.

The experiment’s results were astounding, both to Dr. Barrett and her team and independent scientists. Dr. Lucy L. Brown, a highly respected neurologist a New York City’s Albert Einstein of Medicine, pronounced: “There are no centers for things in the brain…no “brain blobs” of neurons or neural circuits that we can identify with the activation of specific emotions… (Dr. Barrett’s) imaging data is indisputable.”

In recognition of her groundbreaking work, Dr. Barrett received one of the most prestigious awards within the psychological community: The Association for Psychological Science (APS) Award for Lifetime Achievement.

Emotional Control

Dr. Barrett’s theory of constructive emotion emphasizes the early comprehension and conceptualization of emotional experiences. The ability to understand our emotions is critical to our well-being.

So put. We must identify and verbalize (either to ourselves or others) what we feel. By doing so, we “grasp the reigns” of emotions and bring them back to our control.

There is no “default circuit” for emotional despondency. We have the responsibility of recognizing and making sense of what pops up in our heads.

The short explanation: Dr. Barrett’s neuroscientific discoveries have validated self-therapy. “Our ability to express ourselves more clearly and articulately about our (emotional experiences)” is, in itself, a powerful form of therapy.

Dr. Barrett states the reason behind her book (and her work):

“A lot of people are hurt by cultural practices that are informed by a theory of emotion that is not as scientifically defensible as we believe it to be. And in the end, that’s the thing that got me to write the book.”

10 Subtle Ways To Show Your Partner You’re In Love

April 27, 2017 by Power of Positivity

The littlest things are often the largest gestures of love.

For many of us in a long-term relationship, it’s funny to think about what we “valued” – and how we presented ourselves – during those “early days.”

Men, in particular, have a way of bringing out the “big guns”: their most expensive clothes, the pricey restaurant (even if they can’t afford it), a newly-polished ride, etcetera. (Well, unless you’re one of those dudes who just doesn’t give a rat’s behind, which may work for some.)

Then time passes. Two souls get to know each other; they fall “head over heels,” make plans…you know the whole intimacy thing. That’s when things get really interesting; that’s when some of life’s best moments happen (or the other way around, unfortunately.)

Ultimately, a relationship’s longevity and happiness depend at least as much on the “little things” as anything else.

Here are 10 subtle (yet powerful) ways of displaying love to a special someone:

Let’s get going!

1. Caressing of the face or hair shows love

There is no small gesture more loving and thoughtful than a sweet touch or stroke of your special one’s hair or face (ask any woman). Not only is this gesture straightforward and powerful, but it is also versatile.

A gentle caress and sweet smile can relay your love and devotion, heal an emotional wound, or even stoke the flames of intimacy. Guys (men), if you’re not doing this, you’re doing something wrong.

2. Leave a love note somewhere unexpected

If you’ve ever done this, please comment on your partner’s reaction.

Truly, leaving a “surprise note” is a sweet and considerate gesture. The combination of an initial “OMG” feeling, followed by an influx of love hormones, is sure to leave a lasting impression.

Some ideas: use a sticky note and put it on the mirror, the inside of their car (steering wheel!), or – if you’re pressed for time – just leave a quick note heading out the door.

3. Involve the kid(s)

Involving the kids is a very sweet way of demonstrating love and appreciation for their mom or dad. Of course, this is a sly way of showing your love as well.

There are plenty of creative ways to do this. Have them draw a picture, wait at the door for a surprise kiss and hug, or encourage them to think of something kind at the end of the day.

4. Put the toilet seat up/down

Somemen make a conscious effort to this every time – and it is appreciated.

Admittedly, this habit doesn’t require too much effort. But something as simple as leaving the toilet seat up or down sends your partner a subtle message of kindness and conscientiousness.

5. Make food with love

First thing: it’s okay if you’re not a Gordon Ramsey or Rachael Ray. Give this one your best shot anyways. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. Plus, there are a ton of simple recipes on the interwebs.

Chances are you’re attuned to the other half’s culinary preferences. Why not roll up your sleeves and make a meal with love? Research a recipe, pick up some fresh ingredients, and cater to your partner’s palette.

If all else fails, there’s always Chinese takeout.

6. Pick up a small gift

While most astute love gestures are immaterial, there is still something about picking up a small present that evokes excitement.

Brainstorm your partner’s hobbies and passions. It shows that you put time and effort into considering what they might enjoy.

Given enough thought, odds are you’ll come up with a great, inexpensive gift idea. Trust me; they’ll love it.

7. Be lazy together

Seriously, if at all possible, stay in and have a lazy day. Think Peter from Office Space but with a woman.

Pajamas? Leave ‘em on. Dirty dishes? Forget about them. Head to the couch, blanket in tow, and binge on some episode of something. Cuddle up and take a nap or three. This is what real love is.

8. A quick and surprising kiss

Is your loved one focused in on something? Good. Sneak up behind them (if they won’t freak out) and give them a quick (or not so quick) kiss. Put some passion behind that peck if you’re so inclined.

Butterflies.

9. Pay attention to show your love

Okay, so we can’t always orchestrate a creative, subtle way of demonstrating our love.

Paying attention is a worthy addition to this list for a couple of reasons. First, the art of active listening is exceedingly rare, even for people in long-term relationships. Second, paying attention is a beautiful and subtle way of showing your love and respect.

Let’s switch gears…

10. Touch the “right spot.”

Now we’re talking. (Don’t worry, we’re not going to go all Kama Sutra).

Most people have areas of their body that, when touched by their loved one, it can stimulate the senses. As mentioned, many women love the face caressing or brushing of their hair. For a man, this area may be his shoulders or chest.

Affectionate touching or rubbing of the “right spot” is a subtle (or not so subtle) act of love.

5 Kind Phrases That Can Change A Child’s Life Forever

April 26, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Adults, especially parents, greatly impact what kind of person a child will become. At a young age, a child will mimic a parent’s words, phrases, and actions – in other words, their behavior.

Words have a potent influence on children. Early in children’s lives, they are guided mostly by behavior and emotions. However, as their cognitive and verbal skills rapidly develop, words play a larger and larger role in their lives.

As adults, we can choose to positively influence any child simply by using the right words. And a child may indeed need your positive words, whether they realize it or not.

Specifying what “child” or “children” we’re speaking of may be helpful. In this article, we focus on the psychological aspect during childhood development.

Child development is defined as “the biological, psychological and emotional changes that occur in human beings between birth and the end of adolescence.” In the later years, a person develops an increasing sense of autonomy.

Positive Phrases and the Child Brain

“Be mindful when it comes to your words. A string of some that don’t mean much to you may stick with someone else for a lifetime.” – Rachel Wolchin

Let’s look at a study by Martin Teicher, MD, Ph.D., and his colleagues at Harvard Medical School.

The study, published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, administered a self-assessment to young adults, ages 18 to 25. The assessment asked each young adult to rate their childhood exposure to peer and parental verbal abuse – and were then given a brain scan.

Here are the results of the study:

– Individuals who reported experiencing verbal abuse from peers during middle school years had an underdeveloped corpus callosum, a part of the brain responsible for sending signals (communications) between the brain’s left and right hemispheres.

– This group also had higher levels of anger, anxiety, depression, dissociation, hostility, and drug abuse than others in the study.

– Verbal abuse from peers during middle school years had the largest impact. This makes sense, as middle school age (11-14) are associated with rapid brain development.

Other studies have indicated that verbal abuse not only impedes psychological health, it also stunts brain development. This can lead to severe psychological problems, unfulfilled potential, poverty, and other tragic outcomes.

The point: the words kids hear, especially words directed towards them, can significantly impact their lives.

Now the question is what to do about it.

We can begin by paying more attention to our thoughts and emotions, as they often create our words. In a child’s presence, we may need to take a sensitive discussion elsewhere, or wait until a different time.

Finally, we can say things that promote a child’s well-being – an important behavior that segues into the topic of this article.

Here are five kind phrases that can change a child’s life:

1. “Kindness is the greatest gift you can give.”

In a world filled with its fair share of cynical and uncompassionate people, we need people who freely bestow kindness onto others. If you try, you can probably think of a time when someone else’s kind words made all the difference in your day; maybe even your life.

A personal story:

For this author, it was his high school psychology teacher, who would later become his mentor.

After three years of mediocre academic performance in high school, I focused the best I could to get good grades. After scoring a 98 percent on my teacher’s exam, he wrote: “Why didn’t you do this the last three years? You could be in the top 10 of your class! Great job!”

I still remember those words when I doubt myself.

2. “Appreciate the little things.”

Through young childhood, it’s unlikely that this will mean much – but say it anyways. In fact, say it until the day the child leaves home or your presence.

“Appreciate the little things.”

Despite our best efforts, we tend to accept too many things for granted. While the world is stricken with plenty of problems, it also possesses astonishing beauty. Many of us are fortunate in ways we don’t often contemplate.

Teach your child to appreciate the trees, animals, flowers, and sun in nature. Teach them about food, water and shelter – and how fortunate they are to have those things.

3. “Treat everyone with acceptance and respect.”

Today, our lack of mutual acceptance and respect for people – and their differences – has led to tragedy after tragedy, including bloodshed and loss of life.

If we adults repeat these words and exhibit such behaviors, the end result will be a child who highly values acceptance and respect. They’ll be peacemakers and leaders; advocates for the dignities of all people.

4. “Listen before speaking.”

The skill of active listening – fully concentrating, understanding, responding to, and remembering what is said – is difficult to acquire and master.

However, we can plant the seed of active listening and conversing by reminding the child to listen before talking. For instance, if you’re giving the child instructions and they interrupt (it happens often), remind them of this phrase.

With enough guidance, repeating this phrase with kindness and gentleness will teach children the importance of respectful communication.

5. “Think good thoughts and do good things.”

This is a simple phrase with a powerful lesson.

The earlier and more frequently we adults emphasize the importance of positive thinking and good deeds, the likelier the child is to embrace and exhibit these traits.

We need positivity in this world. Let’s pass it on to our kids.

(C)Power of Positivity, LLC. All rights reserved

5 Negative Effects Staying Up Late Has On Your Body

April 25, 2017 by Power of Positivity

Are you a late-night person instead of an early bird catching the worm type? It turns out that your nighttime habits, including staying up late, might negatively impact your health.

Experts indicate that people who do nighttime shift work are at a greater risk of developing medical issues. These issues include cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and other conditions. People who stay up late as a personal choice have the same risks, too.

People gravitate towards being a night or morning person, with little flexibility. They either like to stay up late or prefer going to bed early and waking up early.

If you’re a night owl, the uncomfortable truth is that it’s detrimental to your health. Science has proven that staying up late has unhealthy effects on your body and nullified any counterargument to the contrary.

Five Negative Effects of Staying Up Late

1. Late Nights Can Weaken the Immune System

Our immune systems are inextricably linked to a predisposed sleep and wake cycle – the circadian rhythm. A natural circadian rhythm is programmed for 12 hours of light and 12 hours of dark. When this internal body clock is toyed with, our immune system suffers.

In a study published in the journal Science, researchers observed the effects of tinkering with the circadian rhythm. Light-cycle disruptions increase the inflammatory immune cells in your body that protect against infections.

2. Too Many Late Nights Can Be Detrimental to Brain Health

Scientists at Aachen University in Germany administered brain scans of 59 people categorized into three groups: 16 early risers, 23-night owls, and 20 intermediates. Analyzing the scan results, scientists concluded that night owls possessed less “white matter integrity” in various brain areas.

White matter in the brain is a fatty tissue that facilitates communication between neurons, or how the brain sends signals to various body areas.

Disproportionate levels of white matter suppress the ability to transmit signals across the brain and body. To date, abnormal white matter levels link to depression and impaired cognitive function.

3. Late Nights May Lead to Poor Eating Habits

Besides having a weakened immune system and potentially unhealthy brain, night owls overindulge in unhealthy foods more often. In a 52-person study, researchers found a link between sleeping patterns and poor eating habits.

Dr. Phylliss Zee, the senior author of the study, states, “When sleep and eating are not aligned with the body’s internal clock, it can lead to changes in appetite and metabolism, which could lead to weight gain.”

Here are some specific findings of the study; night owls:

Ate 248 more calories throughout the day.
Consumed twice as much fast food
Ate half as much fruits and vegetables
Drank more full-calorie soda
Had a higher body mass index (BMI), a measure of body weight

4. Staying Up Late Negatively Alters Melatonin Production

Melatonin is a hormone produced in the pineal gland that regulates sleep and wakefulness. Exposure to light stimulates a pathway from your eye’s retina to your brain’s hypothalamus. This pathway is where you will find the suprachiasmatic nucleus (SCN).

In addition to producing melatonin, the SCN, fires signals to parts of the brain that control body temperature and hormone levels. Typically, the aforementioned physiological response occurs at approximately 9:00 PM, when night owls, although not completely alert, are far from nodding off.

The brain and body adapt to environmental changes, including self-inflicted ones and habits. What this means for those who stay up late is underproduction of melatonin and disruptions to the hormone’s various functions.

5. A Late Night Increases the Risk of Diabetes and Metabolic Syndrome

According to a research study published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, men and women both face health risks from staying up late. Men who stay up late are more likely to have diabetes, and females are twice as likely to have metabolic syndrome.

While the reasons for these effects are hazy, researchers suggest that eating calories after 8:00 PM and overexposure to artificial light – two common behaviors of night owls – can both influence metabolic functions.

Other Interesting Information

Here is some interesting research-based info about sleep/wake cycles:

There is no observed correlation between intelligence, success, and one’s sleep/wake cycle.
Whether you’re a morning person or a night owl is thought to be genetically determined.
It is possible, though difficult, to change from an owl to a lark.
If you can’t change your sleeping habits, eat healthily and avoid related health issues.

12 Habits to Help Break the Habit of Staying Up Too Late

Staying up late has perks for night owls, but the consequences outweigh them. To avoid the effects and form better habits, these tips can help you stop staying up late.

1. Exercise Regularly

Being active each day can make a difference when you lay down for bed at night. If you didn’t do anything physically demanding that day, it is hard to relax and get some rest. However, regular exercise can help you calm your body and fall asleep much quicker.

You don’t have to do any intense exercises, either. You can stick to options like yoga, Pilates, or a brisk walk if you’d prefer. Or, you can do crunches, push-ups, burpees, running, or cycling.

Whatever activity you choose, make sure it gets your blood pumping. Don’t exercise too close to bedtime, though, because it initially has an energizing effect.

2. Don’t Drink Caffeine After Midday

Caffeine can help you wake up and maintain concentration in the morning. However, once noon rolls around, you shouldn’t indulge anymore. It prevents drowsiness before bedtime, causing you to stay up later.

Instead, opt for caffeine-free teas that promote sleepiness. You’ll still enjoy a beverage, but it won’t interfere with your sleep habits and contribute to staying up late.

3. Read a Book at Night

Studies show that reading helps reduce stress levels, helping you drift off to sleep easier each night. It takes your mind off of your daily struggles, allowing you to relax and think about something happier.

4. Clean Your Room

Keeping your bedroom tidy and organized can help you sleep better. Studies show that a messy room increases a person’s risk of developing a sleep problem. It could cause you to struggle with falling asleep or experience sleep disturbances.

5. Write in a Journal

Writing your thoughts down can work wonders for helping you sleep at night. Your brain tries to keep track of everything, forcing it to work overtime each day. When you have overwhelming thoughts, write in a journal to help ease your mind.

Writing things down can ease nagging thoughts that keep you awake. You can make lists in your journal about what you want to accomplish the next day, helping silence your inner to-do list. Whatever thoughts keep you awake, getting them down on paper can make a beneficial difference.

6. Plan Your Evening

You plan the other parts of your day, so you should do the same for your evenings. Think about the things you want or need to accomplish and plan to accomplish them. Whether you have chores or want to spend time relaxing, make a schedule to get it done before your bedtime routine begins.

7. Keep Your Room Cool

It’s easier to fall and stay asleep in a colder room, although a warm and cozy room would do the trick. According to the Sleep Foundation, you will sleep better in a room around 65-degree Fahrenheit. Your internal temperature drops at night, so a cool environment provides the best situation for sleep quality.

8. Make Time to Do Nothing

Sometimes you need the time to sit down and not do anything. You can use this time to meditate or reflect on the day. Give yourself time to process your impulses, emotions, and thoughts, as it can help you digest your life events.

When you first try to take time to do nothing, you’ll likely find it a challenge. Be present and resist the urge to get up and do something. It’ll get easier the more often you do it, and you’ll quickly recognize the difference.

9. Don’t Do Activities in Your Bedroom

If you frequently do activities in your bedroom, it’ll make it harder to sleep at night. Doing work, browsing the internet, or scrolling social media in your bedroom make you subconsciously associate those things with your room. Then, you’ll struggle to fall asleep as you think of everything you could be doing instead.

Limit the things you do in your bedroom, and you’ll only associate your room with sleep or intimacy. Don’t do crafts or fold laundry in your room, either; you might want to get up and do it late at night.

10. Understand the Reasons You Stay Up Late

If you often stay up late, you must think of why you do it. Knowing what you’re up against can help you make beneficial changes and fall asleep earlier at night. When you know the things that keep you awake, you can fight the urges better.

11. Don’t Eat a Meal Right Before Bed

When you’re up late, it’s more tempting to overeat. You might eat enough snacks that they count as a meal, or you might go ahead and have an entire meal. Eating too close to bedtime can cause indigestion and discomfort, making it hard to fall asleep.

12. Establish a Bedtime Routine

Humans are creatures of habit, and a bedtime routine is a healthy part of that. When you have an established routine, your mind and body will know when it’s time to fall asleep. It helps you wind down and prepare for rest rather than not being ready for bed until late.

Bedtime routines also decrease feelings of stress and anxiety, eliminating and preventing worrying thoughts. They also allow you to find fulfillment and get things done at a reasonable hour.

A good bedtime routine begins about an hour before bed, but some people choose 30-minutes before. You’ll do it at the same time each day and for the same length before lying in bed. Some ideas for your routine include:

Light stretching or yoga
Reading a book
Practicing breathing techniques
Meditating
Playing calming music
Writing in your journal

Final Thoughts on Decreasing Late Nights

Staying up late has many negative effects on your body, so it’s best to find another solution. If you can’t avoid staying up late, ensure you aren’t participating in late-night activities that hinder your health.

You can make some beneficial changes to help you go to bed earlier, but not all will work for you. Try a few and see what works, then add another habit to help you stop staying up late. Eventually, you’ll find what works for you and become healthier overall.

5 Ways to Avoid Fights With Your Partner

April 25, 2017 by Power of Positivity

“Ordinary, the focus of (relationship) fights is an exaggeration of life issues…” – Lynn E. O’Connor Ph.D.

Fighting with someone you love is a wretched, sometimes devastating experience that can seriously affect the relationship. Even after the fight ends, remnants of the conflict remain: negative thoughts, low energy, depression, and so on. Perhaps the worst feeling of all is guilt and worry about how your unkind words affected your partner.

Until peace is declared between both partners, a tense and unfavorable environment will repel them from each other. The overwhelming presence of negative energy is deeply unsettling. It is best, therefore, to diffuse the situation ASAP.

It’s important to understand that not all conflict is necessarily bad; it can even be healthy. Couples, especially couples during the early phases of their relationship, will butt heads – a byproduct of evolving intimacy. Couples married for years will disagree about something important, potentially leading to an argument.

Dr. Hillary Goldsher, a licensed clinical psychologist explains: “It is inevitable that issues arise that require resolution when two people have an intimate connection. The question is not if conflicts are going to occur, but how to handle them when they do.”

Many harsh arguments (read: fights), however, serve little purpose – and are often instigated by a simple misunderstanding. One partner says something the other partner misinterprets, the other partner “goes off,” and things spiral downwards from there.

“Prevention is the best cure” is a phrase oft-cited within the medical community – and one that applies to this article’s topic. Specifically, we want to equip our readers with basic knowledge on preventing (or stopping) a fight with your partner.

Here are 5 ways to avoid fights with your partner:

1. Admit when you’re wrong and apologize

Apologizing when you’re wrong is one of the simplest and most effective ways to prevent or diffuse an argument. Yet, many of us have difficulty admitting fault – this is nothing more than a misplaced sense of pride.

Absolving yourself and admitting you are/were wrong is an incredibly powerful (and courageous) act. Even acts of a profoundly malicious nature can be forgiven if it is sincere. Indeed, we may need to swallow our pride to do the right thing; but if we love the other person, we’ll discover the fortitude necessary to do so.

2. Reach an acceptable compromise – if possible

As with admitting fault and apologizing, compromising can be an easy yet difficult endeavor. The catch is that both people must be willing to “come to the table.” Compromise is much easier (in most cases) if the matter is trivial: where to eat, what movie to see, and so on.

An important distinction must be made at this juncture. Not all relationships are healthy, and some are incredibly harmful. A quickly deteriorating relationship demands a solution that casual compromise will not bring. This situation requires the intervention of a marriage counselor, therapist, or another expert.

3. Don’t take your partner’s problems personally

We spend quite a bit of time with our significant other. As a relationship unfolds, their life becomes our life through the days, months, and years. However, we can involve ourselves a bit too much – and in situations of little consequence.

A typical scene: one partner comes home from a bad day at the office. The other attempts to engage them in conversation only to receive no response. [Pause]

What odds that “the other” partner will take this silent “rebuff” personally? Well, if “the other” is in a sensitive or delicate state, it’s likely they’ll perceive it as such. The result: a needless fight that accomplishes nothing.

Jane Greer, Ph.D. and couples therapist, explains: “You have to give your partner the leeway to be in the occasional bad mood. If you expect (them) to cater to your feelings 24/7, you’re being disrespectful and selfish.”

4. Respect each other’s space and privacy

Dr. Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan, has studied marriage and divorce for over three decades. One particularly eminent study, The Early Years of Marriage Project, tapped Orbuch as a lead researcher.

During her research, Dr. Orbuch and her colleagues concluded, “Having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple’s happiness than a good sex life.”

Dr. Orbuch explains: “When partners have their own sets of interests, friends, and time for self, that makes them happier and less bored. Time alone also gives partners time to process their thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others.”

Of course, a happier and more relaxed couple is far less likely to engage in fighting.

5. Practice mindfulness

As mentioned, negative emotions instigate and exacerbate a conflict, and leave a dastardly environment of negative energy after the fight is “over.” Hence, why we’re including mindfulness as a solution.

Mindfulness (or mindfulness-meditation) is the practice of observing one’s thoughts without judgment. Negative thoughts and energy are abundant during and after a heavy conflict – and learning how to “manage” these thoughts can both deter and mitigate any argument.

Proper mindfulness training will allow you to see these thoughts as mere thoughts, not as absolutely “truth” which, unfortunately, the mind has a way of misinterpreting.

Dr. Lynn O’Connor explains: “(Thoughts) become like clouds in the sky – here one moment, gone the next…gaining control of your mind through meditation is one way to cope with a fight.”

References:
Frankel, V. (2011, September 17). Don’t Take It Personally. Retrieved from http://www.self.com/story/how-not-to-take-things-personally
Lickerman, A., M.D. (2010, December 26). How To Admit You’re Wrong. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201012/how-admit-youre-wrong
O’Connor, L.E., Ph.D. (2014, November 01). How to Stop Fighting With Your Partner. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/our-empathic-nature/201411/how-stop-fighting-your-partner
Preston, D. (2017). What Every Man Needs to Know About Handling Arguments in a Long-term Relationship. Retrieved from http://www.primermagazine.com/2015/love/what-every-man-needs-to-know-about-handling-arguments-in-a-long-term-relationship
Psychology Today. Therapists: Hillary Goldsher. Retrieved from https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/Hillary_Goldsher_PsyD,MBA_Beverly+Hills_California_60540
Smith, S. (2012, November 06). Forget Sex, the secret to long-lasting relationship is space. Retrieved from http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html

7 Signs You’ve Found A Good Woman

April 7, 2017 by Power of Positivity

A good woman is a treasure in a world that often lacks genuine kindness and compassion. But what exactly are the signs of a good woman? Is it her beauty or intelligence? Or is it something deeper and more meaningful?

As human beings, we all have different preferences and ideals regarding romantic relationships. However, we can all agree that finding a good partner is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. When it comes to finding a good woman, it can be challenging to determine what qualities to look for. With so many different personalities and traits out there, it can be overwhelming to figure out what makes a woman a good partner.

In this article, we’ll explore seven signs of a good woman to help you recognize a potential partner that is worth your time and effort.

“You can’t keep a good woman down. She can be cheated on. Lied to. Taken advantage of…by every man she’s ever loved. Yet she’s the one they miss in the end. She’s the only one they swear over. For letting her go. She’s the one that haunts their thoughts. She’s the one that’s gathered all her dignity from their misuse and went on to love again. She rises like a phoenix after betrayal – and damn she lights up the sky.” – Rafael Padilla

The Role of Chemistry in Finding a Good Woman

Discovering a genuine, good-hearted person is the first battle. Then there’s this important thing called chemistry. Here’s a frequent scenario: man meets a good woman, a woman meets a good man. They both think “why not give it a shot?” The relationship lasts a while. One or both realize something is “off” or “missing.” The relationship ends.

Why? Because a “good person” is not always the “right person.” How many of us have known that great guy or gal who hasn’t settled? People – and therefore, relationships – are much more complex.

Here are 7 signs you’ve (probably!) found the right woman:

This brings us to the topic of this article: signs that you’ve (probably) found the right woman. We sincerely hope this information helps someone (maybe even you) find that elusive and special person.

1. There is an “instant connection”

While there are exceptions to this rule, most happy couples will say there was a connection of some type; and that they felt it quickly.

The simple fact is that you can’t love someone you’re not attracted to. This not only applies to physical appearance but emotional and intellectual as well.

Since this article is about finding the right woman, here’s a valuable tip for males: looks are not nearly as important to her as they are to you. Humor, confidence, charm, charisma, and strength will trump looks.

2. Your thought patterns are similar (in most ways)

Men in a committed, happy relationship are still affected by how frequently our thoughts align with our partner. Two people meant for each other will often complete each other’s sentences. One will bring up a topic that the other was just about to.

You won’t always agree with each other (a good sign), but that’s also part of the fun.

3. Affection and love grow in time

Following the first couple of dates, one should know whether or not there’s “something there.” In the later stages, pleased couples will reminisce about how their love and affection for one another grew over time.

Imperfections are accepted, even embraced. The love and affection you feel for the right woman overcomes everything else.

4. You laugh together, a lot

If your relationship lacks humor and laughter that’s usually not a good sign. A mutual sense of humor is among the most essential indications of chemistry.

You, like I, have probably known a couple whose laughter and sense of humor are on the level of Eeyore’s from Winnie the Pooh. If they love each other that’s wonderful – and really the only thing that matters.

For those with an astute sense of humor, the “right” woman will probably make you laugh quite often – and vice versa. If not, she’s probably not the right person.

5. There’s a mutual, unshakable sense of respect

We’re not talking about the type of respect shown to one’s boss or “morality-based” respect. When you’ve found the right one, and the relationship develops, your love and adoration for her will be so entrenched that the last thing you’ll ever want to do is hurt her.

She highly respects you as a man. You highly respect her as a woman. Both people do so out of love, nothing else.

6. Your priorities will change

Does anyone know of the playboy who settled down, married, and had kids?

It’s entirely something to behold.

That’s what the right woman does. She grabs your heart, you grab hers, and you both fall in love. For men who at one time loved the single life that period quickly fades from memory. Not only does it fade, but you’re so thankful it has.

7. You want the same things in life

This last one is so very important. Many relationships end because one wants something the other doesn’t. Examples: kids (obviously), a house, living in a different state/country, working full-time or staying home, etc.

While you won’t necessarily want everything the other does, life-changing wants, and needs should be mutually agreed upon.

Final Thoughts on the Traits of a Good Woman

It is more than intial attraction, her shape, form, or looks. A good woman is someone you can rely on, someone who will be there for you through thick and thin, and she won’t betray your trust or love.

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