How To Master Your Mind: Part One

December 29, 2015 by Power of Positivity

Most of us have – at one time or another – thought about the mind and how to reach its full potential. We’ve all heard of the great philosophers and thinkers of the past – Confucius, Socrates, Aristotle, Descartes, and so forth. What we may not know is that all of them discussed the importance of controlling our minds and, in doing so, controlling our destinies. This discussion continues today.

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.” – Lao Tzu

We often hear the mind being described as powerful, limitless, complex, and transcendent. We hear such phrases as “mind over matter,” “be mindful,” “our mind only limits us,” and “the mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

Indeed, the mind is incredibly powerful…if used properly.

You see, the mind is either (a) our greatest ally or (b) our greatest foe. There is no in-between or gray area; either our mind is used to our advantage or to our detriment. This is because a mind not fully engaged does not fulfill its purpose. We shortchange ourselves and the world in not giving all of us.

To that end, we’ve created an engaging two-part series on mastering this – at times – an ambiguous entity known as “the mind.” In this part, Part One, we will discuss what hinders our mind and allow some time for recognition and contemplation. In Part Two, we’ll give you guidance on overcoming obstacles and embracing your mind’s full potential.

Please understand, this is not a “know-it-all” piece. The author is just as fallible and prone to mental lapses, and miscues as anyone else. In fact, this piece was written as much for the author’s own knowledge and application as it is for you, dear reader.

Let us begin.

How To Master Your Mind

Where is your head?

From the moment we are formed until the moment we depart, our mind never stops working. Not one time. Even when we sleep, our mind is extrapolating and synthesizing the information taken in during the day and using it to shape our world. Consider that in just one day, we have around 70,000 thoughts. 70,000 thoughts in one day… over 25 million thoughts a year.

This poses the question: what are your thoughts?

Our mind is extraordinary as it is complex. This complexity often results in our mind’s racing and jumping from one idea to the next – seemingly without rhyme or reason. Even the most storied, gifted people of the past have contemplated the reason this intriguing occurrence.

Buddha once described the human mind as being filled with “drunken moneys,” fledgling from one thing to the next, to the next, to the next. This discovery allowed Buddha to become one of history’s most cherished figures, and the reason why the practice of meditation has become so prevalent.

Buddha realized that – without intercession – the mind would continually run an endless race. He was insightful enough to realize that, as powerful as the mind is, it requires taming; discipline. This school of thought begged the question: what about our mind requires attention?

The “Four Horsemen”

The “Four Horsemen” is terminology often used to describe apocalyptic events. Don’t worry; we’re (definitely) not going to do that here. But for the sake of our mind, we should think of these four horsemen as enemies to be defeated, foes that deserve no mercy. Let’s introduce the Four Horsemen of the human mind without further ado.

Horseman #1: The Critic

Recognize this one? The horseman often tells us that we’re not worthy of success. Indeed, this horseman takes what other people say about us and makes it fact. This is the horseman that spews all types of nonsense, only for us to turn this nonsense into a sermon of truth.

This also happens to be the horseman responsible for addiction, infidelity, depression, illness, anxiety, co-dependence, and even suicide. And this doesn’t even scratch the surface of what this infestation of the mind has produced.

He doesn’t deserve our attention or contemplation. He’s simply a by-product of what Buddha talked about over 2,000 years ago – a figment of the mind that deserves nothing other than to be ignored.

Horseman #2: The Wanderer

“Where’d I put those keys?” “Where are my shoes?” “At what time does that one thing I can’t remember need to be at that one place that I forget?” Distraction after distraction after distraction…

Folks, meet The Wanderer. Wanderer, meet the folks. Oh, you’ve already met like a thousand times today? Okay, carry on. Actually, don’t.

He’s the one that causes us to jump on Facebook when working; the one that has us mindlessly reach for that last doughnut; the one that causes us to never get anything done without starting over for the umpteenth time.

“Lack of concentration”, “lack of self-discipline”, “lack of focus”…these are all just aliases of this annoying character. We’ll discuss how to deal with him in Part Two.

Horseman #3: The Worrier

A close relative of all three Horsemen, The Worrier embodies all that is exasperating in one annoying, fictional character. Well, at least, he should be fictional. But, we’ve managed to keep this incessant nuisance around for a long time.

We’ve met this delightful acquaintance when we’re driving to work and then, unexplainably, think about losing our job; when our kids are outside playing and we constantly peek through the window; when we’re studying diligently for an exam only to think about failing.

The Worrier can manifest itself into all types of physical and mental ailments using nothing more than our insecurity. He can cause all types of problems in our relationships, at work, our finances, and our self-esteem.

Horseman #4: The Settler

Stuck in a job you hate? In a relationship that is going nowhere fast? Putting your dreams on permanent hold?

None of this is possible without The Settler. The fourth Horseman gets us to accept less than what we deserve – most times without a fight. In fact, The Settler has few scratches to show for what should be a 12-round brawl.

The most subtle of the Horsemen, the Settler will often operate without us even being aware. We just get up, go to work, come home and sleep… all without much thought. After all, we’re managing to get by just fine. Yeah, we get by just fine…get by…get by…get by…We despise much of what’s required of us, but hey, we’re getting by.

Until we reach the end of this precious life and we realize that we’ve gotten by for most of it.

Which of the four are your biggest foes? Fear not my friend, we’ll conquer them!

Stay tuned for “How to Master Your Mind” Part 2!

8 Things You Should Never Believe About A Relationship

December 29, 2015 by Power of Positivity

If you believe that your relationship should be a certain way, you might be setting yourself up for failure. And when that happens for some, you’re left wondering what went wrong, when all that happened was that no one could live up to your ideal of a perfect relationship.

Maybe you were jaded; thinking that the world would be your fairy-tail filled oyster when you fell in love. To say that there aren’t plenty of amazing relationships out there would be a mistruth, but many are lead down the lane of love believing things about a relationship that for the most part, are simply not true. For that, we’ve come up with 8 things you shouldn’t believe to be true in relationships today:

Here are 8 Things You Shouldn’t Believe About A Relationship

1. Happy couples don’t fight

Conflict is perfectly natural in relationships; expressing anger with violence is not. Happy couples do argue but they have learned to express their feelings in a more productive way that works toward a solution.

Compromise and collaboration are the tools that successful couples use to solve conflict. You can read more about how to communicate positively with your partner in this article.

2. You have more sex in a long term relationship

It is perfectly natural for couples to have sex less often the longer they are together. In a study of couples over the lifetime of their relationships, couples reported that sex did happen less often over time. Reasons given by the couples for having less sex include age, health problems and sex becoming a routine.

In a successful relationship, partners have many ways to be intimate with each other and only one of those is having sex. If you are looking to increase intimacy in your relationship, you can read more about reigniting passion in your relationship here.

3. Having children is the death of passion in a relationship

Adding another small person to your couple doesn’t have to spell the end of your sex lives, but it won’t fix problems in your relationship either. Children can add great joy to relationships, but they also bring stress and added work.

Expressing your fears to your partner about what changes you will experience with regard to your sex lives by having children. Take your role as a spouse just as seriously as you do being a parent. Make a plan with your partner and devote equal time and energy to sustaining an intimate connection as you do to raising a family.

4. If your partner really loved you, they would know how you feel

No one can read minds, although close partners do pick up on the facial expressions and body language of their other half and they know what they mean. You have to continue to communicate your feelings and desires to your partner throughout your relationship. Strong listening and effective communication skills are important throughout the lifetime of your relationship.

5. If your partner isn’t jealous, it’s because they don’t care.

Jealousy as a healthy emotion is a relationship myth. Trusting partners don’t become jealous over their partner looking at or talking to other potential romantic partners.

Instead, jealousy is often a sign of one partner’s insecurity over the stability of the relationship or their own self-esteem. Trust in relationships is key. Feeling secure in a couple means that you do not question your partner’s loyalty.

6. Happy couples don’t have to work at it

Happily ever after is definitely a relationship myth. Having a caring relationship means continuing to care for and nurture your partner as they do for you.

To make sure that your partner is happy, you can do the relationship equivalent of asking your partner for a performance review. Ask what more you can do to help your partner to be fulfilled in the relationship.

When each half of the partnership is committed to working on being the best person that they can be for their partner, the relationship is in a state of continuous improvement.

7. If it’s not working, you can make your partner change

You’ll never be able to force someone to change. You can help shape behavior with rewarding language like ‘thank you’ when your partner does something that you like. You can tell your partner what you want them to do but you can’t make them do it.

When it comes to major personality changes, your partner has to want to make a change. If your partner has a general negative outlook or is neurotic in some way, it is unlikely that you can undo these personality traits that were likely developed in childhood.

8. Happy couples don’t look for help outside of the relationship

Couples do seek counseling to work out their problems. Unfortunately, they get professional help when things have seriously deteriorated in their relationships.

Licensed couple’s therapists offer premarital counseling to help partners iron out problems before they make the ultimate commitment. Seeking help early in relationships is best before problems become severe. If one of you has already given up on the relationship, it will be too late to fix it with the help of a counselor.

5 Ways to Be An Extroverted Introvert

December 28, 2015 by Power of Positivity

According to research, introverts make up between 16-50% of the population, which means that most people probably identify not as an introvert, but as an extrovert. Extroverts obtain their energy from social interactions, and usually have no problem making friends. For an introvert, however, knowing how to enjoy social experiences with others in public can seem like more of a chore than a leisurely activity.

As an introvert myself, I can attest to the fact that getting out into the world and engaging in frequent social interaction often seems like unnecessary rocket science. Where do you go to meet friends? Should you just go up to random people and start talking? How does this whole friendship thing work?

Introverts might not be the life of the party, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less worthy of having enjoyable life experiences with other people and relationships to go with them. Introverts can get lonely if they don’t seek out relationships, and come out of their shell to let others in. So, fellow introverts, maybe this list will come in handy for you if you want to get more social in your life.

Here are 5 ways to be an extroverted introvert:

1. Frequent coffee shops, book stores, or other low-key places close to home.

It’s no secret that introverts get stressed out in loud environments, so go to places where you feel secure and comfortable. Coffee shops and book stores are paradise for an introvert, because they offer a peaceful atmosphere full of others who probably like to have deep conversations, like yourself. Try to pick places within walking distance from your home, so you don’t put yourself too far out of your comfort zone. Also, you might recognize some of the people frequenting these businesses from your neighborhood or apartment complex, which means you will at least see some familiar faces.

Having quality interactions with others doesn’t have to be difficult; just smile, listen to the other person, and be yourself. People are friendly for the most part, and most love engaging in meaningful conversation.

2. Go to meetups in your community.

If you go to meetup.com, you can find a bevy of events in your area, ranging from yoga in the park to book clubs to hiking groups, and much more. If you feel overwhelmed or anxious going to a meetup where you won’t know anyone, bring a friend or relative along for support. Or, choose an event with a smaller group of people, so you can get to know others in an environment where you thrive. Most of all, choose activities or events that interest you, so you will have things in common with people already, making for stress-free, easy conversation.

3. Take a class that interests you.

If meetups or coffee shops aren’t your thing, why not sign up for a class in your area? If you check local newspapers and websites, they will likely have ads for a variety of classes, ranging from pottery to painting to cooking to yoga. While most classes cost money, the extra expense might be worth it if you can have fun while making some new acquaintances in the process. Plus, you might even walk away with a new skill under your belt, and any introvert gets excited over the prospect of learning something new.

4. Join a yoga or meditation studio.

If you want something relaxing that doesn’t involve a lot of talking, yoga and meditation studios make the perfect place to meet new people. Just being in the room with others who wish to develop themselves and become better people can uplift and motivate you, even providing newfound confidence in yourself. Yoga and meditation teach you to look deep within yourself, silencing your mind and allowing you to become the silent observer of yourself. These skills can teach you to look at yourself differently, increasing your self-esteem when it comes to talking with others.

Plus, if you’ve been practicing yoga or meditation for a while, you can share stories with others about how your practice transformed your life, and they can share their experience with you. Inspirational stories can provide hours of conversation, so give it a try. A little yoga or meditation never hurt anybody.

5. Go jogging or running on your favorite trails regularly.

If you like to exercise outdoors, you can find tons of other people to connect with. Hiking, biking, running, and jogging are all popular activities, and most places have paved trails winding through a city park that you can check out for your exercise routine. As you start to build up a routine, you will probably see a lot of the same faces, and can strike up a conversation about your common interest of exercising outdoors. Maybe you can even set up a weekly meetup group with some of the people you come across, which will give you a regular opportunity to connect with others and form deeper bonds with them.

As an introvert, talking and connecting with people in public places can seem like solving an intrinsic, baffling puzzle, but you will get better with practice. An unfortunate amount of people today feel lonely and disconnected from others, but sometimes, you have to make the first move.

You don’t have to be the world’s greatest conversationalist, or tell the funniest jokes, or have the most charismatic personality. You just have to make the effort, stay true to yourself, and let go a little bit. Everything else will fall into place as long as you believe in yourself, and believe that you are worthy of loving, supportive, caring people in your life.

7 Things You Need To Learn About Your Temper

December 28, 2015 by Power of Positivity

A temper is something in all of us that is at the heart of much of the negative energy that we have seen in our history, both recent and ancient. Anger is a very natural feeling, but how we behave in response is what can get out of our control. The following are important facts about your temper that everyone should keep in mind.

7 Things You Need to Learn About Your Temper

1. You are still learning how to be angry

You observe how other people respond to frustration all the time. When someone throws the remote at the TV in anger, you make a judgment that you don’t want to act that way. You see someone else who is frustrated with an incompetent clerk at the store. They are clearly frustrated but their response is to sigh heavily, tell the clerk to take their time so that they get it right and then they turn and apologize to the people in line behind them. You know which response you’d prefer to have yourself and you make that choice.

By seeing others in stressful situations, we select our behavior role models and try to follow in their footsteps. We tell ourselves that next time we get angry we will try a deep breath first.

2. You are still angry about your childhood

Your parents treated you differently from your siblings. One of your parents wasn’t there for you when you needed them. Your parents fought too much. Almost all of us can identify with one or more of these statements because these are inevitable parts of growing up.

If someone let you down and you were unable to stand up for yourself as a child, you might still be feeling resentful about it, even to this day. If you lived with siblings, you always felt that your parents liked them best and you were angry about it. You wish that your dad or mom was there more often when you needed them and you are still angry that thy weren’t.

Have a chat with yourself and ask what you’re still upset about from your childhood. Work through those issues on your own, with your parents, or find a licensed therapist to talk to about your lingering anger.

3. Managing your anger can help you succeed

Successful people are the picture of grace under pressure. That stereotype is one that hiring managers are looking for. In fact, they will almost always ask you in an interview about a time when you faced a lot of pressure and how you responded in a time of crisis.

How you appear outwardly when you are under pressure can say a lot about how you are perceived by those who might promote you. If you can never let them see you sweat, you’ll go farther than if you do.

4. The health of your relationships is at stake

A major cause of broken romantic relationships is the anger of one partner over the behavior of the other. Expressing anger rather than hurt feelings can mean that the relationship is doomed. Expressing hurt communicates to your partner that you acknowledge what they said but that you took it personally whereas expressing anger blames them for your hurt feelings. In a study of positive versus negative patterns of emotional expression in childhood and teenage years, researchers could predict subjects’ success in future romantic relationships. Those who had a negative pattern of emotional expression with anger had more conflict in their relationships.

5. Others can sense your anger

We have evolved to have the ability to sense anger as a strategy to protect ourselves from harm. This makes sense when you are faced with an angry bear coming at you, but we have also adapted to learn to detect anger in human speech.

Your voice conveys anger to others whether you know it or not. A Swedish study found that anger can be recognized 83% of the time from speech intonation, even if angry words are not used. The research is being used to develop a voice recognition tool to help telephone call centers to get irate customers helped faster.

6. Your temper is a killer

Rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure, increased cortisol hormone levels, and muscle tension are the physiological signs of anger. They are also the signs of stress and we know that living in a state of chronic stress leads to heart disease and other illnesses.

Not only that, intense anger that is out of control can lead to violent outbursts that cause people to kill each other. If you are concerned about violent thoughts that may lead you to violent actions, please contact a Crisis Counselor.

7. You can learn a lot from your anger

When you notice that you are angry, ask yourself, ‘Why am I angry?’ This will help you get to the root cause of your anger and you can learn about how to manage your temper better.

You can also learn to not be angry. When something happens that provokes your temper, you can chose not to get angry. You can choose to slow your breathing, relax your physical body and change your thoughts to reframe the event. Instead of taking it as a personal attack, try thinking of it as that person feeling tired and lashing out at you.

What You Can Tell About Someone’s Personality In 10 Seconds

December 27, 2015 by Power of Positivity

They say that you can’t judge a book by its’ cover, but first impressions are often lasting impressions. Making a quick judgment of someone’s personality is something that we do subconsciously when we first meet someone.

Whether we are looking to date someone, hire someone, or partner with them, we need to know if we can rely on them. So we must see if they are compatible with our own personality. Further, we need to determine if we click with them.

Our perceptions of others sway our decisions about how to treat them. We do this with everything from making a decision about who to vote for in the election or whether to accept a date from someone. Although making a snap judgment about someone or having someone do that to you may seem unfair, it happens.

Sometimes even evidence to the contrary cannot sway our initial impression of a person. Imagine this. You see a tatted woman riding a motorcycle. You presume she’s rough and tumble. However, you strike up a conversation and learn she’s the CEO of a non-profit dog rescue agency. Would you change your first impression now that you have more information? Or is your first impression too strong to change?

What You Can Tell About Someone’s Personality in 10 Seconds

1. Trustworthiness

As part of our human evolution, we learn quickly to judge trustworthiness in order to protect ourselves from harm. In the first 10 seconds, people believe that they can get a gut feeling for whether or not they should trust someone. You can read more about how to tell if you are being lied to here.

2. Attraction

In a culture of speed dating and swiping right, we can most easily tell if we are initially physically attracted to someone based on their appearance. You probably know your type and if you’re set on a brunette, then blondes just won’t do it for you. We tend to be attracted to people who are similar to us, so we look for similar traits in our potential mates and tend to rate them as more attractive if they are more like us.

Sexual orientation is also something that we think we can determine based on appearance, and according to one researcher, we can. People who were allowed to view photos for less than a second were accurate at guessing sexual orientation 60% of the time, even when those photos had no makeup, piercings, hairstyles, glasses or tattoos.

In a study of speed dating, women initially said that they were looking for someone with a good earning potential while men chose attractiveness as their preferred trait. However, these traits were not what the daters actually ended up selecting in their eventual romantic partners. What we think we want in our mate may not be the deciding factor for us.

3. Extroversion

Is the person you are meeting an outgoing personality, or are they shy? This personality trait is fairly easy to determine in the first ten seconds. Indeed, we learn someone’s social intelligence from these cues:

Body language
Eye contact
An excitement in their voice
Animated facial expressions
Hand gestures

4. Neuroticism

Germophobic behavior like avoiding a handshake, fidgeting, personal hygiene, and some repetitive habits like nail biting are things we can also tell about someone in a short amount of time. We may assume someone behaving this way is anxious, even if the reason for the fear is not obvious to us.

5. Competence

Researcher Alexander Todorov studied people’s responses to faces and found that subjects perceived photos of people with thin lips and wrinkles at the eye corners as distinguished, intelligent, and determined. Photos of people who were baby-faced were judged to be physically weak, naive, and submissive, although they also thought they were honest, kind, and warm.

In another study about how voters choose candidates based on appearance, participants were asked to rate photos of congressional candidates for how competent they looked. The study participants selected the candidate who turned out to have won for 71.6 percent of the Senate races and 66.8 percent of the House races based only on how competent-looking they thought they were.

6. Openness

Body language is easy to tell if someone is open in a 10-second initial meeting. If they are receptive to you, their feet should both be pointing toward you, arms relaxed, shoulders back, and their head should be up, and they will make eye contact with happy facial expressions.

When someone is not receptive to you, their body language will be more turned inward. Their shoulders round forward, they cross their arms, they avoid eye contact and their facial expression seems more disagreeable.

According to Nicholas Rule, a researcher who presented his findings at the annual conference of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, “Not only should people not assume that others will be able to overcome aspects of their appearance when evaluating them, but also those of us on the other end should be actively working to consider that our impressions of others are biased.”

What Does Your Favorite Music Reveal About Your Personality?

December 27, 2015 by Power of Positivity

A world without music seems almost unfathomable. We rely on music to help us express and understand our emotions; we get lost in music when nothing else seems to make sense. We allow it to transport us to another place, another time, another plane of understanding. I’m sure you can think back to a hard time in your life and remember that music, in part, helped you to get through it.

Music plays an undeniably pivotal role in our lives. It makes life more meaningful, but our taste in music can also reveal aspects of our personality. Professor Adrian North of Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh, UK, performed the most comprehensive study to date on the relationship between musical taste and personality. He surveyed over 36,000 people in over 60 countries to learn more about their musical preference, as well as their personality. Based on their answers, North was able to connect a liking for certain music genres to specific personality traits.

Here’s what your favorite music says about your personality:

Indie

Indie fans have a high level of creativity, but low levels of self-esteem and work ethic. They also have a headstrong nature, not letting others sway their opinions or outlook on life. They usually have a contemplative, rather quiet disposition, but are friendly and warm upon getting to know them.

Heavy Metal

Fans of this type of music have high self-esteem and feel comfortable with themselves, but don’t have very much work ethic. They have a rather reserved personality, but open up to others easily. Despite the harsh sounds of their music, they have a gentle, loving personality, and share many traits of classical music lovers. However, heavy metal fans tend to be younger, in most cases.

Rap/Hip-Hop

Rap fans have both an outgoing personality and high self-esteem. They tend to blurt out whatever’s on their mind, without thinking twice about it. Fans of rap usually enjoy sharing music with others, instead of blocking out the world with headphones. Because of their extroversion, you can probably catch them dancing and singing along to their favorite songs. However, they tend to be a little self-centered, and not have much sensitivity or empathy to other people and issues in the world.

Electronic/Dance

Fans of dance and electronic music also enjoy the social aspects of music. They like going to concerts and raves to experience music with other people, and have an outgoing, friendly personality. They’re approachable, creative, and have strong opinions about things.

Country

Country fans work hard, have an outgoing personality, and are relatively easy to get along with. They are unassuming deeply caring about other people, but aren’t very willing to learn about other types of art or music. Country music fans can be set in their ways, and are very opinionated. They also tend to be conservative, but can have a friendly conversation with pretty much anyone.

Reggae

Reggae fans have many positive traits, including high self-confidence, creativity, extroversion, generosity, and kindness. They feel comfortable with themselves overall, but don’t have much work ethic. They prefer to move at a slower pace in life, simply enjoying each moment and observing the overwhelming beauty around them.

Classical

Classical music lovers have high self-esteem, feel at ease with themselves, and possess extreme creative talents, but tend to be reserved and quiet. They also are highly intelligent, worldly, and financially well-off, typically.

Pop

Pop fans have a bubbly, charismatic, outgoing personality. They have high self-esteem, but fall short in the creative realm. Also, they tend to worry incessantly over little things, and often use music to regulate their mood. Pop fans hate spending time alone, preferring to surround themselves with lots of people.

Rock

Rock fans have high self-confidence and creative talents, as well as a strong work ethic. However, they tend to dwell on negative events or people in their lives, and use music to get their frustrations out. They also tend to obsess over themselves, and don’t offer the same kindness and generosity as lovers of other types of music, such as reggae.

Blues

Blues fans have high creativity and self-esteem, much like fans of classical music. They also score highly in introversion, and tend to reflect deeply on their feelings and thoughts. They feel comfortable with themselves, but tend to enjoy their time alone more than with other people.

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