5 Ways to Think Outside the Box

“What if I just pretend we have the best marriage ever?”  I asked my husband one day. We’ve had our ups and downs, but it was a most serious question.

And then I had this weird realization that we might already be, but we were pretending that we didn’t. Like maybe we were letting silly human challenges (like growth, learning, and parenting) take the focus instead of a great marriage that’s waiting to bloom.

What could it hurt to think in a different way?

I was DONE with fighting over stupid stuff. I was DONE with feeling like the man who was supposed to be my partner didn’t even like me. And I was DONE with feeling like a complete failure. I was DONE with looking with regret at my wedding ring.

I’m typing now with a smile as I remember when I ended up secretly experimenting with this. I was close to giving up hope, but I was SURE there must be a way to love this seemingly difficult man. There HAD to be because we made this sweet little baby together, and I was determined to stay together! Assuming we could somehow transform our marriage into one I enjoyed.

My Secret Marriage Experiment

My secret experiment was founded on the hope that I could act “as if” our marriage was amazing until reality changed. So I pretended our marriage was already there. (One that’s strong, loving, faithful, quite pleasant, and dare I say even delicious. With two equals happily cohabitating and sharing life. Who would renew those vows any day of the year.)

Many times a day, I asked myself, “What would I do if we had the best marriage ever?”

I asked myself before he came home from work to greet him. This was a stretch for me. I’d stop working before he arrived, freshen up a bit, and greet him with a yummy kiss and my full attention.

I asked myself when planning dinner. I’d think about us both, what he loved AND what I loved.

Also, I asked myself when deciding if I wanted sex. And what that would look like.

I asked myself when deciding what to tell him. Did I really need to vent to him about anything? Nope. Did it really matter if he put the toilet lid down? Not really. Did it really matter if he left a mess in the kitchen? Nah. It turns out not that much really matters in the day-to-day stuff.

I will never forget how surprised he looked when I was happy to see him.

I will never forget how many times he apologized for being a “back seat driver” because he was scared it would annoy me. Then the surprise that I never got annoyed. (Not anymore, not in “the best marriage ever”! I just smiled and adjusted my driving per his requests. Slowed down. Then sped up. It then slowed down. Then sped up. I’m not even joking. I just shrugged and went with it. Because, really, who cares?)

I will never forget how the spot between his eyebrows suddenly softened, and so did the way he looked at me.

I will never forget how it felt to suddenly fantasize about my husband again.

The results from my secret experiment are in, and I can only laugh. This is better than I ever could have hoped for.

It took exactly one day to move from nearly ready to divorce, to feeling like we might just be building the best marriage ever.

That’s what I hoped for when I married him. I just didn’t know it could be so simple.

Also, I didn’t know that there was a particular way to make it happen or that I needed to take 100% responsibility in our two-person marriage. I want to share with you exactly what is making this one-day experiment a long-term success. Not because I know how to make your relationship better, but because I am seeing a pattern here that I can’t deny. I’m a bit startled at how simple this might be.

CONDUCT YOUR OWN MARRIAGE EXPERIMENT!

These are the pieces that I see now were key in this and in pretty much everything else I’ve ever really wanted.

1. How IMPORTANT is this to you?

If what’s happening now is not in alignment with your desire for life, what’s the potential difference in making the effort to effect change?

2. Get crystal CLARITY

That is, about exactly what it is you’re hoping to resolve or do as a result of your experiment.

3. Move forward under the full and gutsy ASSUMPTION that you can have whatever you want.

And then act like you already do.

4. Practice PERSEVERANCE

Start by committing yourself full-on for whatever period of time you think is worth it. (This won’t stick for me either if I don’t keep it up!)

5. Finally, RELEASE attachment

Get rid of old emotional attachments, and know that however it works out can be for your highest good.

This isn’t just some story I wanted to share with you. I realize now that this can apply to nearly anything in life. We are the ones choosing our beliefs and actions!

Do you want to be an amazing mom? Let THAT be the barometer for how you make parenting choices. You want to have a thriving business? Let THAT be the barometer for how you spend your working hours. You want to feel good in your skin? Let THAT be the barometer for what is worthy of your attention, plate, and activity. ETC.

I cannot stress this enough… If this resonates… If you’re having a challenge… Why not try it out for yourself? You have nothing to lose, but you know what you have to gain!

“Our human compassion binds us to one another – not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future.” – Nelson Mandela

After watching the news recently, two starkly different images came to mind. The first images were of physicians, nurses, and other healthcare professionals diligently and lovingly providing care to sick, contagious patients in West Africa. The next set of images were of a violent, extremist group – holding their assault rifles in the air while waving their flags, celebrating the epitome of hate and violence.

How can a single human race be so divided, with people fervently racing toward each end of the spectrum?

The answer is quite simple – human beings have a choice whether or not to show compassion and understanding toward others. When we show true compassion, we can make tremendously positive differences in the world. Where compassion and willingness to understand and others is absent, there is a sense of hurt and a longing for love and acceptance.  This ultimately appears in a physical form of negativity, including hatred and violence.

As Gandhi once stated, we must be the change we wish to see in the world.  If you’re going to start, start here and now with you…

Here are 7 ways that you can show more compassion toward others…

1. Accept disagreements and differing opinions.

The intricate diversity and differing beliefs of individuals is part of what makes our world a remarkable and interesting place. It’s almost comical to see two people argue over a simple difference of opinion. Debating viewpoints on a particular topic is intellectually healthy and can be quite enjoyable. However, there is a difference between becoming combative (verbally, sometimes physically) and debating.

As thinking creatures, we form opinions on a variety of issues. These opinions are a product of various factors – our environment, home life, upbringing, and intellectual and emotional experiences. Where there are people, there are different opinions. It’s an interesting thing that should be appreciated, not demonized.

2. Listen.

Truly listening to others is a seemingly lost skill for many people today. When in a meeting sometime, notice how many people are swiping and typing away on their phones, looking out the window, or talking to someone else. It is incredibly disrespectful, not to mention discouraging to the person trying to convey their message.

To be compassionate means to not just hear, but to listen to others. Making it a point to look someone in their eyes and provide feedback throughout the conversation shows active listening, a tremendous skill to have and one that can show compassion.

 3. Empathize with others.

“Put yourself in their shoes, look at the world through their eyes.” President Barack Obama made this statement in a speech regarding the continuing conflict between Israelis and Palestinians, encouraging them to show empathy towards one another.

To empathize with someone does not necessarily mean to sympathize with them. It’s not quite as simple as “taking to heart” someone else’s circumstances. To empathize means to make the conscious attempt to trade places with the person (or people) in order to gain perspective. Often times, we can show true compassion by just being empathetic.

4. Volunteer for a greater purpose.

The biggest differences in our world are often made through groups of determined volunteers. Advocating and volunteering through the giving of yourself and your time is a special kind of compassion.

We can verbalize how much we support this cause or that cause, but it’s through our actions that real change materializes. In many ways, time is more precious than money. Regardless of our financial situation, we can make a determined effort to give back through donating our time and efforts towards a greater purpose.

5. Demonstrate acceptance.

To demonstrate acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with someone, rather you accept someone out of respect for the dignity of that individual’s humanity. It means the simple recognition and appreciation for our differences.

One of the beautiful things about the United States, for instance, is the diversity of the population itself. Even today, the U.S. is the primary destination of immigrant citizens from around the world. In fact, most natural born citizens can trace their roots directly to a vast wave of immigration that happened between 1890 and 1919.

How was this possible? We were accepting of other people and welcomed them with open hearts and minds. We should continue to do the same as individuals.

“Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures.” – Albert Einstein

6. Practice acts of kindness.

Practice doing something small each and every day to make someone else’s life better. These acts of kindness don’t require anything besides a willingness to act for the benefit of someone else.

If a daily practice is made of showing kindness, it will eventually become something that is done without much thought and effort. In fact, the satisfaction created by demonstrating these acts of kindness will encourage us to do so more often.

7. Commit to a morning ritual of gratitude.

Taking a small amount of time in the morning to appreciate life and what you’ve been given is a great springboard into practicing compassion throughout the day.

Here is a quote by the Dalai Lama on affirming gratitude and appreciation in the morning. Notice in his quote how he first emphasizes the importance of gratitude and appreciation for life and self-growth before using our energies and abilities to benefit others. In other words, compassion starts with appreciation, gratitude and self-love.

“Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.”

What additional ways do you demonstrate compassion toward others? Add to the discussion below!

“That’s my gift: I let negativity roll off me like water off a duck’s back. If it’s not positive, I didn’t hear it. It you can overcome that, fights are easy.” – George Foreman

This is a wonderful quote by George Foreman and how he deals with negativity in his life. Much like George’s boxing matches, one must train in order to be free from negativity.  In this case, it’s consciously training your mind to form positive, supportive, and uplifting beliefs. Once you take control and build a positive belief system, your life ultimately follows suit, creating more positive results and diminishing the negative.

Here are 11 powerful thoughts to remember to free yourself from negativity.

 1. I am free to be myself.

Trying to become someone else when around other people is both unnatural and unnecessary. Not only that, but it also causes a lot of undue stress that you don’t need. Anyways, why would you need to pretend to be someone else for people to like you? Who cares if they think badly about you anyways?

Bottom line: if someone can’t love and appreciate you for who you are, they aren’t worth having around in your life.

 2. My past is not my future.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

This is Emerson’s beautiful way of saying that your character is what matters – not what you’ve done before and not even what you’ll do in the future. While people may know about your past and even judge you on it, your strength of character will ultimately win out. If you have this inner strength, it doesn’t matter what situation comes your way.

 3. Each experience is a lesson learned.

When something bad happens to you, consider it a lesson learned, as that is exactly what it is. When faced with an adverse situation, there are only two outcomes: you win or you don’t win.

Now, while you may technically “lose”, there is still something to be gained from the experience – the strength of character. Throughout each and every difficulty that you’ve faced in your lifetime, you’ve become a stronger individual as a result.

Think back some years to a time where you felt “defeated”. Try to remember what it felt like and what your thought process was. Unless it was a sincerely traumatic event, it’s probably very difficult to recreate these thoughts and feelings. That’s because we move on…and become stronger people.

4. Appreciation and gratitude are the keys to happiness.

There is nothing quite as powerful as “an attitude of gratitude” in determining how happy your life is (or isn’t). Not being appreciative and grateful is often the result of comparing yourself to others, not considering your blessings in life, or having a sense of entitlement.

Instead, consider what you already have. Take some time to write five things that you are grateful for, and repeat this list to yourself when the situation arises. You’ll find that your perspective begins to change for the better!

 5. “Roll with the punches – tomorrow is another day.”

Does anyone out there remember this quote? It’s from a character named Dicky Fox in the movie “Jerry Maguire,” and it stuck with me ever since…I know, kind of an odd way to remember a quote.

Just as you should not let our past dictate our future, you shouldn’t let your today influence your tomorrow. Take the punches as they come, keep building that inner strength and just drive on.

6. What people say or think about me is not my problem.

The negative things that people say or think about you are often a reflection of themselves. Allowing this negativity to affect you is a tremendous waste of your energy, time and attention.

You must remember that our brain’s resources are finite – where you set your attention matters. Don’t waste your mental resources on some ignorant person’s negativity towards you. If possible, spend some time with a friend or just take yourself out of the situation.

 7. My happiness comes from what I choose to think.

As with most other realizations in our lifetime, happiness is in your mind. I love this quote from Buddha: “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” Happiness and most other emotions are a product of your thoughts.

You can choose to focus on what you’re grateful and appreciative for or you can choose to focus on the negativity presently in your life. The choice is yours and yours alone. Make the attempt to produce positive thoughts and disregard the negative ones.

8. How I spend my time matters.

Your time is valuable for a couple of reasons: there is not enough of it (for anyone), and the way in which you spend it has an impact on your frame of mind.

Focus on spending your time being productive, having fun, relaxing, and enjoying life as opposed to putting yourself in negative situations. Remember the fact that your time on this Earth is limited, and that you’ll never get a day of your life back…so make every day count.

9. I work joyfully.

“If you want to have the perks, you have to put in the work.” we disagree with that quote – the perks should be the work.

If you desire work that makes you truly happy, whether it’s being your own boss, managing a store, becoming CEO, becoming an author or anything else…you need to find a way to make the work joyful.

It’s become almost universally accepted that work is a tedious, but necessary, a requirement to live. This misguided, unfortunate mindset has been accepted by most people as a reality. Don’t buy into it. Find something you can work towards that will bring you happiness.  Even if it’s unpaid right now, it will pay off to live out your passion.

10. I make a difference each day.

Yes, you can make a difference each day. Someone somewhere can be positively impacted by how you choose to conduct yourself. Whether it’s at the workplace, at home or somewhere else, you can have a positive influence on someone.

Surround yourself with positive people, be mindful and deliberate in your words and actions, and make a conscious effort to be genuine, thoughtful, and caring towards other people. If you do these things, you’ll find that making a difference each day was easier than previously thought.

11. I release drama from my life.

Americans have become addicted to the dramatic…and much of it isn’t their own fault. Flip on the T.V. and attempt to stomach one of the latest “reality” shows…that’s drama at its worst.

Sadly, this infatuation with the dramatic has trickled into our own personal lives. People have misconstrued drama as excitement…in the movies, maybe. In reality, dramatic people are draining, obsessive, and often irrational. Don’t allow these types of individuals or situations into your life.

Add to the discussion below.  What beliefs have you allowed into your life to free yourself from negativity? 

When you are in a relationship – intimate or friendly – you are taking a chance on someone else. The better you get to know someone and the more chemistry you have, the better the chances are that the relationship will be a positive one. However, despite the longevity and chemistry factors, there is always going to be a chance that the relationship doesn’t work out. As such, there will be an element of the unknown in most relationships.

Regardless of the unknown, there are ways you can feel more secure in your relationships, notwithstanding the vulnerability that you may or may not feel.

Here are 5 ways that you can feel more secure in your relationships.

 1. Release insecurity

Ask yourself this question: how often do you feel worried, lonely or jealous when in a relationship? If you are honest, chances are that you’ve felt one or more of these feelings at one time or another. As human beings, we fear rejection and isolation from other people because we value acceptance.

That being as it may, being infatuated with insecure thoughts and feelings can irreparably harm a relationship. Your imagination is not your reality and nothing is certain in any relationship. Therefore, you should just ‘let it be’ and let the chips fall where they may.

 2. Give the person a chance

When you’ve been emotionally hurt in a relationship, it can be very difficult to start anew with someone else. Emotional hurt can manifest itself in judging a person simply because they ‘remind’ you of someone else.

Perception is not reality – however, your perception can become your reality if you let it. Carrying excess emotional baggage and handing it off to someone else because of what you perceive to be true is not fair – plain and simple. If you ever find yourself doing this, gently remind yourself that no two people are the same. Everyone at least deserves a chance until they show otherwise.

3. Remind yourself that imperfection is OK

Everyone is perfectly imperfect. Have you ever met someone who is perfect in every way, inside and out? Of course not, that is because perfection in a human being doesn’t exist.

Having impossibly high standards for people that you meet in life, hoping that they will meet these standards will almost assuredly result in emptiness and disappointment. There are no perfect people or relationships – only imperfect ones that happen to work for you.

4. Trust until there’s a reason not to

Trust is the foundation to any meaningful relationship. For someone to share their life with you or depend on you in any way demands a sense of trust.

Trust is not easy to give because it makes you vulnerable. However, despite any initial difficulty that you may have giving trust, it helps to know that the majority of people are well-intentioned. You’ll find that people value the trust you place in them and your relationship will be strengthened.

5. Take care of yourself first

Having good, long-lasting relationships is a great thing. Knowing your fellow human beings in an intimate way is one of the many blessings of your time on this planet. That being said, you should care for yourself first before directing your care towards someone else.

If you lovingly and gently care for yourself, not only will your relationships with others flourish, so will the relationship that takes place within your own heart and mind. Be at peace with yourself and watch your relationships blossom into something truly special.