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5 Ways to Clear Your Mind of “Can’t”

All of us have goals, ambitions, and dreams. Some of us persevere quite well when attempting to reach our goals, while some of us can use some help. Mindset is the biggest difference between these two groups. The people that reach their goals have a mind set of “can,” while others often think “can’t”.

If you are currently experiencing difficulties in achieving what you want out of life, there is hope. You can clear your mind of those thoughts that are sabotaging your progress. Even if you are relatively successful and happy, enhancing the innate ability to motivate yourself and clearing mental roadblocks can bring you to a new level.

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t – you’re right.” – Henry Ford, speaking on the power of the mind

Here are 5 ways to clear your mind of the “can’t” mentality.

 1. Realize you’re holding yourself back

This can certainly be a difficult pill to swallow. Most of us are prideful and can shun accountability for ourselves at times. However, when you realize that only you have the control over your life, it is a tremendously powerful motivator.

Notice the first word: “realize”. It’s there because many of us aren’t even attuned to the fact that we are the major roadblock – not co-workers, bosses, or other external factors.

According to research conducted on rationalization (i.e. “making excuses”), the internalization of perceived failure affects self-esteem; which in turn negatively affects your thoughts and behavior. In layman’s terms – we are not good at letting go.

We must let go of our perceived failures in order to succeed in this lifetime. We can only let go of these failures by being present in each and every situation – whether at work, home, or somewhere else. Focusing on what needs to be done in the present without rehashing past failures is the answer. Be present.

 2. Reverse your “cants” to “cans”

This may sound cliché, but we are the sum of our thoughts. It is important to affirm and declare your goals in order to motivate your thinking, particularly during the difficult times.

Affirmations are an incredibly powerful and effective way to do this. Essentially, affirmations are often-repeated, positive statements used to describe a desired situation until they get impressed into your subconscious mind.

Even athletes, such as Muhammad Ali, have used affirmations to enhance their performance. According to Ali, “It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.”

If the greatest boxer in history achieved his success in no small part to affirmations, we should certainly take notice.

Here’s a quick “how-to” guide on how to use affirmations.

– Identify and write down negative self-talk and beliefs (or “cants)

– Create and write down positive affirmations (or “cans”); the opposite of the items on the first list

– Begin using the new affirmations. Post the written list in an area that you visit frequently to remind yourself.

– Watch things begin to happen.

 3. Remind yourself of what you’ve overcome

It’s normal to want to be and achieve more. It’s healthy. It’s what keeps us going. That being said, we need to remind ourselves of our past successes from time to time. This is important because when we feel stuck, past accomplishments serve as a reminder of the potential inside of us to achieve success.

Your life wasn’t handed to you on a plate; you had to earn it. Give yourself some credit for overcoming obstacles as they’ve presented themselves. You’ve become a stronger person having gone through these trials. This accumulated strength makes it possible for you to move forward and continue your path in life.

Maybe you got a promotion in a past job, lost weight, graduated college or something else that made you feel inspired. Keep in mind how far you’ve come. Write a list of the things you’re proud of; then come back and read this list whenever you lack confidence to move forward in your life.

 4. Accept and love yourself

Do you accept who you are as a person? What characteristics do you love about yourself?

These are two questions that you should be able to answer without too much thought. The truth is, there is nothing wrong with you. Whatever shortcomings you may feel can be overcome with time and effort, but they don’t mean that you are deficient as a person.

Self-acceptance is a necessary component to live a fulfilling life. You must let go of the thought patterns and behaviors that are interrupting your path towards growth. Often times, these are a matter of perception. We can choose to perceive ourselves as unworthy and handicapped, or we can focus on our strengths and capabilities.

Be aware of thoughts that pop into your head that can damage your self-image. Understand that these impulses do not truly reflect who you are a person…they are just thoughts. Let them go. If you feel your behavior needs to be changed, then change them; but don’t feel that you are unworthy to live a fulfilling life.

When you embrace and accept yourself, you allow self-love to manifest. Self-love is simply the act of living while remaining true to yourself. It’s an expression of your own acceptance, allowing you to support your progression through life. This is not applicable only to your finances and career; in fact, these are not even close to being most important. Your emotional, psychological and spiritual growth is where the self-love truly occurs.

5. Take action

Here is where many of us get caught up…actually doing it. This is because we have a tendency to think way too much…we wait until we feel like taking action. The big problem with this is that we’ll never feel motivated enough to accomplish the difficult, but necessary, tasks to achieve our goals.

The solution? Just take the first step. For example, you want to get into better shape (who doesn’t)? Getting into better shape requires exercise and eating right. Now, you don’t feel like going to the gym or changing your eating habits. This is too difficult, you think to yourself.

Don’t feel like going to the gym? Okay…just put on your workout clothes. Then, just walk out the front door. Now that you are out of the house, it would be counterproductive and silly to just walk back in and do nothing, so you end up at the gym.

Don’t want to change your eating habits? Okay…just make out a grocery list. You don’t have to buy anything, but you have a list of stuff that you could if you wanted. A day or so later, you head to the grocery store with the list of healthy food. Convenient, since now you don’t have to think about what to buy. Just put your mind to it.

See how this works? Just take the first step, and you’ll notice that once you are in motion your motivation and drive will happen naturally.

The Single Best Pain Reliever on the Planet

Don’t reach for pain relievers in your medicine cabinet or pay for expensive treatments to alleviate pain. Instead, try this age-old trick known as the best medicine on Earth…

Laughter.

That’s right; you don’t have to resort to over-the-counter medications with dangerous side effects to experience pain relief. Indeed, you can simply laugh more and get the same results for free. The best thing about laughter is that it’s easily accessible everywhere. Of course, you can laugh at funny movies, your children, your friends, your family, and even yourself!

Experts believe that a hearty chuckle can release endorphins in the brain which can ease muscle tension, decrease pain, and even boost the immune system. In addition to those benefits, laughter also offers other benefits. Those advantages include reduced stress, improved blood flow and even a reduced risk for high blood pressure.

The proof

In 2009, two studies presented at the American College of Sports Medicine’s yearly meeting in Seattle concluded that laughter allows for the dilation of blood vessels. In turn, this effect increases blood flow and vascular health.

The first study performed by researchers involved a handful of healthy adults who watched either a comedy or documentary. During the films, the doctors checked their carotid arteries. Of course, those are the main arteries in the neck that transport blood to the brain and face.

People who watched the comedy showed higher “arterial compliance,” or the amount of blood that flows through the arteries. If blood flow is restricted, it can lead to high blood pressure and heart disease, according to the American College of Sports Medicine news release.

In the second study, the researchers found that the group of adults who watched a comedy had further dilated blood vessels than the group who watched the documentary. Constricted blood vessels can lead to high blood pressure, according to the news release. Surprisingly, the documentary actually restricted the participant’s blood vessels by 18 percent.

Results

In both cases, the positive effects of laughter lasted for a full 24 hours, proving that laughter can contribute to health long after the initial laughing occurs.

Another study performed in 2009 by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore revealed that laughter, paired with a lively sense of humor, may even help ward off heart attacks. The study found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in many instances compared to people in the same age bracket without heart disease.

Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center, said that mental stress can impair the endothelium, or the protective barrier lining the blood vessels. He explained that this can lead to various inflammatory reactions that lead to fat and cholesterol build-up in the coronary arteries, which ultimately results in a heart attack.

In the study, researchers compared the reactions of 300 people. Half of the participants had either experienced a heart attack or undergone coronary artery bypass surgery. The other half did not have heart problems. The researchers passed out two questionnaires, one which had a series of questions with multiple-choice answers to discover how much or how little people laughed in certain conditions, and the second one listed statements in a true/false format to measure anger and hostility.

Miller revealed a noteworthy finding from the study. In it, he reveals that “people with heart disease responded less humorously to everyday life situations.”

Generally, they laughed less, even in positive situations, and displayed higher levels of anger or hostility.

“The ability to laugh — either naturally or as learned behavior — may have important implications in societies such as the U.S. where heart disease remains the number one killer,” says Miller. “We know that exercising, not smoking and eating foods low in saturated fat will reduce the risk of heart disease. Perhaps regular, hearty laughter should be added to the list.”

Even more good news about laughter

Possibly the most interesting fact about laughter is its ability to relieve pain and even increase the pain threshold of people. They may feel less pain after laughing because the body releases chemicals that act as a natural painkiller. In a study performed by researchers at the University of Oxford, they wanted to see how laughter would play a role in people’s pain tolerance.

The researchers first tested the pain thresholds of volunteers, who were split into two groups. The first group watched 15 minutes of comedy videos. On the other hand, the second group watched more “boring” programs, like golf tournaments. The study concluded that the participants who had recently experienced deep belly laughs were able to withstand up to 10 percent more pain than they could before viewing the videos. Interestingly, the other group tolerated less pain after watching 15 minutes of “boring” programs.

The type of laughter also played a role in the study: chuckles and giggles did not produce any physiological effect; only a long, hearty belly laugh did the trick.

Doctors agree

Professor Robin Dunbar of Oxford University, who directed the research, believes that uncontrollable laughter releases endorphins into the body which elicit mild euphoria and reduce pain.

“It’s the emptying of the lungs that causes [this effect],” he told BBC News.

“It’s exactly what happens when we say ‘I laughed until it hurt’. It seems to be extremely painful and it’s that pain that produces the endorphin effect.”

In addition to better heart health, decreased stress, higher pain tolerance, and better blood flow, studies have also shown that regular laughter can boost the immune system as well.

Patch Adams

Dr. Patch Adams, well-known for his promotion of laughter and humor in hospitals, has even started a free “silly” hospital in rural West Virginia. Remarkably, a poll of rural Midwestern cancer patients revealed that doctors utilized humor as one of the most frequently practiced CAM (complementary and alternative medicine) therapies. Scientists have also begun to explore the benefits of laughter by conducting clinical trials that measure targeted changes in psychological and physical health after laughter occurs.

Further Findings

In one study, conducted at the Indiana State University Sycamore Nursing Center, 33 healthy adult women were separated into two groups. The treatment group watched a funny video, while the control group viewed a tourism video. All participants filled out surveys asking their stress and humor levels before and after watching the videos. In addition, the researchers drew blood before and after treatment to test for natural killer cell levels.

In comparison to the control group, the treatment group reported a significant decrease in stress after watching the videos. Their stress level appeared inversely correlated with the amount of “mirthful” laughter they experienced. Participants with high scores on the questionnaire also had significantly higher numbers of natural killer cells after treatment, and the treatment group showed higher levels of these natural killer cells than the control group as well.

The researchers concluded that laughter seems to reduce stress and improve activity of natural killer cells, which could even reverse cancer.

Final Thoughts on Laughter Being the Best Pain Reliever

Research on how laughter plays a role in our mental and physical health is ongoing. However, the studies in recent years prove that consistent laughter makes a significant difference in our heart health. Additionally, it enhances our immune system performance and overall mood. Laughter is also infectious. So by laughing, you can also spread these positive effects to all your friends and family as well. If you need a good laugh, go for it. Just put on your favorite comedy, watch kids play, or bring out your own inner child to play! The opportunities to laugh are endless. Moreover, the benefits you experience from laughter will probably keep you coming back for more in the future!

Share laughter in the discussion below by telling your favorite joke or share one on Facebook!

6 Key Reasons Happy People Stay Happy

What makes happy people, well…happy? Consider the quote from our first First Lady

“I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.” – Martha Washington, wife of George Washington

This quote by Martha Washington is incredibly powerful. Notice that she disregards her situation while mustering the inner resolve to be happy. Undoubtedly, Martha Washington had every reason to feel otherwise.

Martha’s husband, the first President of the United States, was on the battlefield risking his life for the first eight years of their marriage. When not on the battlefield, he was debating and negotiating the Constitution of the United States…no small task by any stretch of the imagination. It wasn’t until 18 years after Washington’s first married that they were finally able to live a normal life. Indeed, Mrs. Washington epitomizes happiness in the face of extreme difficulty.

While probably not as distressing as the Washington’s, your own unique journey through life is likely to have its own ups and downs. Even people that seem to have a naturally happy disposition will experience very difficult times when this natural trait is challenged.

The difference lies in how happy people overcome these difficult times, namely through their inherent ability to focus on the positives in their life.

Here are 6 key reasons why happy people are able to stay happy.

 1. Happy people make a habit of focusing on the positives.

Instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, happy people focus on what could go right. They don’t fret or stress nearly as much as others. Without question, happy people realize that while not everything is positive; they can at least learn from the negative.

A good example of this is the workplace. Most people, about 70% of the population, despise their jobs. The happy among us, while they may not truly embrace their work, are thankful that they at least have a job, and do the best they can to fulfill their responsibilities. Happy people are notorious for taking the opportunity to be a difference-maker in their jobs and become a positive influence to their coworkers.

 2. Happy people turn problems into opportunities.

Happy people also manage to achieve success by taking advantage of opportunities that arise. They don’t just think about the problem. Instead, they think about what is to be gained from that problem. This is truly about being able to shift focus. What can you do that will enable you to accomplish something out of this “problem”?

At the very least, a difficult situation will enhance your inner strength. There are times when you cannot think of something tangible to be gained out of a situation. While this may be the case, you will gain inner strength, fresh knowledge, and a new outlook.

3. Happy people understand the importance of self-care.

Regardless of how much we may hear about the importance of taking care of ourselves, most people don’t do it enough or very well. Positive people not only realize the importance of self-care, but how this applies to them as individuals. There is no universal prescription on how to take care of yourself; in other words.

That being said, self-care usually involves something that you enjoy. Whether this is exercising, meditation, sleeping, writing, or something else, it must involve relaxation and enjoyment. Self-care can only work when you listen to your mind and body without experiencing resistance.

If you already know what you enjoy the most, do those things. If not, experiment and find at least one thing that makes you feel happy and recharged.

4. Happy people enjoy simple things.

Ah, yes…the simple things. These are pretty easy to forget when you live in a world of instant gratification, credit cards, digital downloads, and dollar menus.

But the simple things are still there for your enjoyment. The key is being present in whatever simple thing you happen to be doing. Drink your morning coffee or tea while taking in the aroma; read a book thinking only about the plot; listen to your favorite music without missing a beat; or talk to a family member or friend without multitasking.

As Charles Dickens once wrote, “He did each single thing as if he did nothing else.”

 5. Happy people live in the present.

At first, being present is a skill to be attained. This is normal, as we have become accustomed to multi-tasking while being barraged with distraction after distraction. The good news is that we can practice present-mindedness while cultivating our own happiness and strength!

What does it mean to live in the present? It means that your focus and awareness in centered on the here and now. Literally, this can be everything that you are doing – from cooking breakfast, brushing your teeth, or making your bed to reading a book, creating a spreadsheet or writing a letter.

Being present is a sane, enjoyable way of living; not handling three tasks at a time while adding to your mental and physical stress. Don’t buy into the notion that you always have to have multiple balls in the air to be effective. In fact, we work more efficiently when our brains – which are hardwired to do only one thing at a time – are focused on whatever task we may be faced with.

6. Happy people are resilient.

Happy people are also strong by nature. Some of the happiest people in the world experience tremendous obstacles, yet still maintain that resilience that allows them to smile and face these obstacles head-on.

There are a few elements of cultivating and practicing such resilience. They keep company with other positive people, practice acceptance, devote themselves to self-care (#3!), and make a habit of disconnecting through meditation, prayer, reading or some other method.

Final Thoughts on Becoming One of Those Happy People

Here’s the takeaway: you are stronger than you think, and you can become stronger. Resilience is often built through the adversity that we deal with in life. Even if you may not feel happy now, look forward to tomorrow and what gifts life may have in store for you.

What happy habits keep you on the sunny side of life?  Share in the discussion below or head over to Facebook to discuss!

21 Signs You’re Doing Better Than You Think

In life, people often look at our circumstances from a “glass half-empty” perspective, seeing signs of everything that isn’t there rather than what IS there. We judge ourselves and become our own worst enemies, expecting perfection and nothing less.

We compare our lives to others and decide that ours is somehow less appealing or gratifying. However, you are probably doing much better than you think, and here’s why.

21 Signs You’re Doing Better Than You Think

1 – You have a place to lay your head at night.

If you have a roof over your head, you are doing better than much of the world already. Unfortunately, many people don’t have a home to call their own, or a home to go to at all. Consider yourself blessed if you have a shelter of some sort and a place to rest your head every night.

2 – You have a job.

This is one of the signs you might take for granted. While most people have jobs, there are still many people in the world who can’t find a way to bring in money. If you have a job, even if it doesn’t pay what you want at the moment, at least you have some money to support yourself and your family.

3 – You have water to drink and food to eat.

If you have access to drinkable water and a grocery store, you are very well off. Water and food sustain our lives, so make sure to practice gratitude the next time to sit down for a meal or drink a cold glass of water.

4 – You are healthy.

Even if you have a cold or flu, you probably still recover fairly quickly. If you don’t have a life-threatening illness and have a reasonably strong immune system, you’re doing pretty good.

5 – You have the freedom to do what you want in life.

If you wanted to leave the country today, you could. You would just need a passport and a plane ticket, but that’s it. Of course, you have the choice to do what you want with your life. However, some countries in the world don’t give their citizens this privilege. You can literally follow whatever path your heart desires.

6 – You can see.

If you’re reading this article, you’re pretty blessed. You can wake up each morning to a beautiful sunrise and watch the animals outside your window wake up with you. This is one of my favorite signs of abundance!

7 – You’re alive.

This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but if you’re a breathing being on this planet, you get to experience this life in all its glory, and that’s definitely something to rejoice.

8 – You have a family.

Whether things go wrong or right in your life, the family will always be there for you.

9 -You have at least one good friend.

If you have even one person to talk to and share good times with, you’re lucky. Good friends can get you through hard times and make the good times even better.

10 – You have some form of transportation.

Even if you don’t have a car, you probably know someone who can bring you where you need to go, or you have access to a bus or taxi. Most people take this for granted, but not everybody has reliable transportation in the world. If you do, remind yourself how lucky you are next time you drive somewhere or get on the bus.

11 – You know how to read and write.

Reading often takes us to new lands and expands our imaginations; reading is a fun way to get away without even leaving your room. Also, writing helps many people get their goals organized or let out bottled up emotions, which can greatly help your well-being. You can drinkable water

12 -You have clothes to wear.

I know I have too many clothes to choose from, and I often take that for granted. If you have at least some jeans, a few shirts, and some pajamas, you’re doing pretty good.

13 – You know what you’re passionate about.

A lot of people struggle to find their life purpose or ultimate dreams. If you know what yours is already, you are among only a handful of people who do.

14 – You have enough money to support your basic needs. I

f you have enough money to afford food, water, clothing, and a home, you have all the wealth you could ever need.

15 – You feel relatively safe and protected.

If you live in a country that protects your right to safety, you’re doing better than you think.

16 – You have a pet or know someone who does.

Pets can be therapeutic and great companions for humans. If you have a pet to come home to or have a friend or family member with a pet, you are blessed to have the company of a furry friend in your life!

17 – You have a phone.

Today, phones play a huge part in people’s lives. If you have one, you can likely surf the web, stay connected with friends, check emails, and the list goes on. While phones can be distracting and there’s a lot of negativity surrounding them, they also allow you to get help in case of an emergency, and give you directions when you’re driving. I’d say they are a pretty relevant invention.

18 – You can listen to music.

Music heals the mind, body, and soul and gives us a way to bond with one another. It can also help us through tough times in life – music is everywhere if you just listen J

19 – You have traveled places.

A lot of people actually never leave their country or even their city, so if you have traveled, you have seen more of the world than most people.

20 – You can move your body.

If you can get up, walk around, and exercise, you’re doing pretty well in life.

21 – You have a park or nature trail nearby.

Most people have access to a park or nature trail near their home. Nature is healing in many ways and can give you a “reset” if you’re feeling stressed. Make sure to thank the Earth next time you feel the sun on your face or wander into the forest for a while!

Now that you’ve read this list, you’ll surely remember that even if you’re feeling the lack, you’ll see the signs of mass abundance all around you every day.

What other signs do you see that help remind you that you’re doing better than you think?  Share in the discussion below or join us on Facebook!

9 Signs You Might Be an Empath

What is an empath?

By definition, an empath is a person with the ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. It comes from the word empathy, which means the intellectual identification, vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. In other words, you might be an empath if you feel others’ emotions or thoughts on a deep level and take them on as your own.

If you have always felt more in tune with the spiritual side of life and what lies beneath the surface, this could mean that you are an empath as well. Empaths can have many different characteristics, but here are the most common ones.

9 Signs You Might Be An Empath

1. You are Highly Intuitive

You can pick up on others’ thoughts, feelings, and emotions without them having to say a word. Perhaps you can even pick up on a person’s intentions, mood, and personality by their body language and overall energy. On some days, you might even feel aches and pains because of a negative occurrence in your town or even thousands of miles away. You can just sense when something is amiss in the world, and often absorb the energies of everything around you without even knowing it.

2. You Take on Other’s Feelings as if They Were Your Own

You can relate to other’s problems and frustrations easily, just as well as their triumphs and accomplishments. Also, you listen intently to others and want to solve their problems or help them celebrate a positive event. More often than not, though, empaths tend to absorb negative energy. They tend to sympathize with people and want to help them overcome problems. However, empaths can take on the problems and feelings of others as their own, which is why they usually feel burdened by all the imbalances in the world. If you wake up every day feeling like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, you are likely an empath.

3. You Like to Keep Your Feelings to Yourself

Most of the time, empaths can listen to other people talk all day about themselves and their life struggles, but when the tables are turned, empaths usually have difficulty opening up. Since empaths are more inclined to help others with their problems rather than take on their own, they might have a hard time expressing their feelings.

4. You Experience Fatigue

When you absorb other’s energy into your own energy field, you unconsciously carry a lot of energy with you that can drain your own energy levels. If you lead an active lifestyle, but still feel tired often, you might be an empath. Also, fatigue can be attributed to energy vampires or people that feed off your energy, coming to you specifically to exchange their negative energy for your positive energy. If you think you might be an empath, watch out for these types of people who just want to drain you of your own vitality.

5. Strangers Often Share Their Problems With You

Strangers may come up to you at coffee shops or department stores from all walks of life that suddenly start talking about their problems openly and seem to be in great distress. If this has happened to you on multiple occasions, consider yourself an empath. People come to you because they can sense your caring and generous nature, and feel that they can release their pent up frustrations and feelings onto you. They trust you and believe you can help with their problems. Just be careful not to take on their problems as your own.

6. You Have a Strong Interest in Spirituality or Metaphysical Studies

If you have taken an interest in meditation, prayer, positive affirmations, holistic healing, or the many wonders of the universe, this is a huge sign of being an empath. Empaths usually see beyond the limitations of the 3D world around them, taking refuge in peaceful practices such as meditation or yoga. An empath usually wants to know more about the universe and what lies beyond the confines of society as we know it.

7. You Have an Open Mind

Empaths have no problem learning new things about the world, and actively seek out information not found in the mainstream news, movies, or TV shows. They want to learn things considered underground or weird by society as a whole and find the everyday way of living too restrictive and boring. If you got easily distracted or restless in school and always felt like there was so much more out there to learn, you are probably an empath.

empath

8. You Don’t Fit in With the Mainstream

If you are an empath, you have a strong desire to heal and bring this planet back into alignment. You consider the way that normal people live as destructive to your nature and defy any person telling you to live this way. Perhaps you might want to work for yourself in a field that expresses your creativity or desire to heal others.  You treat healing with utmost importance, and can’t understand why others choose to participate in destructive behavior. And, of course, you want to live life your way and don’t listen to others who disagree with your opinions on how you should live.

9. You are a Free Spirit

As the point above suggests, you don’t like to be told what to do. You don’t enjoy living by someone else’s guidelines; you live by your own rules. Maybe you never liked rules as a child and would often argue with your parents or teachers. You did not understand the “system” growing up, and still don’t to this day. Additionally, you enjoy adventure, freedom, and expressing your creativity – you probably have a strong interest in art, music, or writing and have a vivid imagination. You let this imagination take flight and live by the reality in your head rather than the one you see every day.

Are you an empath?  Discuss in the conversation below or join in on Facebook!

4 Ways to Feel More Secure in Your Relationship

Relationships are an essential element of the human experience. Biologically, we are social creatures… in other words, we aren’t hardwired for isolation.

Consider our experiences. When born we immediately become part of a family, are raised with our siblings, play with other kids, attend schools, build friendships, meet a boy or girl we like, fall in love, get married, have kids, go to work, meet and befriend co-workers, become “besties”…and so on.

Being social creatures, it’s natural to consider what others think about us. We value acceptance, appreciate love, and fear rejection. We want respect, loyalty, and honesty. Because of the value that we place on relationships, we fear the loss of these relationships. When we fear the loss of relationships, we can become insecure.

When we love another man or woman, we can become insecure. And when we build strong friendships, we can become insecure. After all, we’ve devoted our time, energy, and heart into our relationships, and we’re certainly not going to squander them…right?

Well, in holding on so tight, you may be becoming more vulnerable to losing someone. Human beings value relationships, but we also value trust. Part of this is being mindful of other people’s need to feel that they have the benefit of the doubt…and they should until they prove otherwise.

Here are 4 ways to start feeling more secure in your relationship…

1. Understand personality and communication

Lack of communication is the crux of a multitude of problems in relationships. Part of this is because we all have different personalities and minds that form how we communicate. Personality differences can also create difficulties in our relationships. The key is understanding these differences.

Introverts (those that value solitude), for example, may not say more than a few words to you all day long. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about your relationship; they just don’t express their thoughts all that much. Extroverts (those that value social interaction) will often express something verbally before the thought is even fully formed in their minds. We can build great relationships with people on both ends of the spectrum, as long as we are willing and able to understand them.

Introversion and extroversion are each just one of the many elements of personality that can lead to misconceptions about your relationship someone. The important takeaway is this: learn about the people that you build relationships with. Be observant. Learn about their communication styles, personalities, moods, and habits. Doing so will help avoid potential conflict down the road while strengthening your understanding of that person and your relationship with them.

2. Discard Perfectionism

relationship

Realistic expectations of people are necessary if you’re going to have good relationships. When focusing on someone’s faults, you are never going to be fully satisfied being associated with them.

Human beings are perfect in only one way: being imperfect. Faults are an inherent element of being human. We are raised differently, educated differently, culturally different, and our experiences are different. Some have certain “advantages” in some areas and “disadvantages” in others.

In a nutshell, we all have different traits that create our being. Perfection is a myth, and trying to live vicariously through someone else – which is essentially what we are doing when seeking perfect relationships (as no one is perfect) – will always result in a sense of emptiness, disappointment and, if not careful, loneliness.

In the end, it’s not about finding the perfect person in a relationship…it’s about finding the imperfect person that happens to be perfect for you.

3. Trust…trust…then trust some more

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Countless relationships continue to end because one person is incapable of trusting the other. Usually, this is the result of bad experiences in past relationships. We often see this in dating and in marriage, when one partner has experienced emotional or physical neglect or abuse. This kind of experience makes it very difficult to fully place your trust in another individual, especially in a romantic relationship.

Vulnerability is the one real, underlying fear when a lack of trust is present. However, without the strength to make ourselves vulnerable, healthy relationships simply aren’t possible. The truth is that we are all vulnerable in relationships… there is no way around this. Ultimately, it is up to us to decide if this emotional vulnerability is worth the cost of placing our trust in another person.

When it comes to having a fruitful relationship, trust should be given until there is a reason not to. We simply have to use our judgment and hope for the best. Being vulnerable allows us to enjoy our good relationships and learn from the bad ones.

4. Focus on the positives

Worry, anxiety, loneliness, jealousy, and other negative emotions and thoughts will assuredly bring insecurity into your relationships. Instead, focus on the positive elements of your relationships. After all, relationships are meant to be enjoyed and appreciated, not approached with apprehension and fear.

This also means understanding that negative events can (and almost do) occur in positive relationships. There are always going to be some difficulties in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean that we should focus exclusively on these difficulties. Neither does it mean that the relationship should end because of them. Don’t overthink these circumstances.

Obviously, there are extenuating circumstances – emotional or physical abuse, for example, that may require reevaluating a situation. However, minor bumps in the road are not sufficient reasons to cut someone out of your life.

Insecure people are always looking for something negative in a relationship in order to protect themselves. The problem is that they always seem to find what they’re looking for. People that build quality relationships seek and understand the positives in their relationships with others and build upon those positives.

When we choose to accept the people in our lives, we are choosing to accept the “bad” things too. When we choose to fully accept someone, the quality of our relationships will grow, as will our happiness.

Have and show appreciation for the positive things in your relationships, including the entire person. Focus on their strong qualities, be an advocate and support them, and watch your relationships flourish.

What strategies do you use to feel more secure in your relationships?

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