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6 Things Women Do When They Want A Serious Relationship

September 13, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

When you’re out playing the dating field, it’s difficult to tell who’s interested in you and who’s just “browsing” and having fun. If you’re on the prowl for someone to be in a serious relationship with, it can be unclear what everyone’s intentions are. No one wants to get too invested in or committed to someone who isn’t interested in returning that energy for the long-term.

Luckily, most people clearly show interest in someone when it’s more than just a casual fling. But, if you’re unsure whether the woman in your life is in it for the long haul, read on, and we’ll help you! Here are six things women do when they want a serious relationship.

Editorial note: This article addresses the behaviors of women seeking a serious relationship. We acknowledge that men might also crave a long-term love, and we address that in a separate article.

1 – You Become The Go-To For a Woman Craving a Serious Relationship

People are pretty selective about who they go to when they’re most vulnerable. If you’ve been dating for a while, you can tell if a woman wants a serious relationship based on how much she seems to go to you. This isn’t just about her going to you when she’s in trouble. She may also:

Tell you about both good and bad news in life of her own volition, without prompting
Share random stories and bits of information that she picks up in her everyday life
Ask for your opinion or advice on different matters
Request emotional support when she needs a compassionate ear or shoulder
Spend her extra time with you and make herself available to you

This trust may not happen immediately, primarily if you’ve only known each other for a few weeks. It can take time for anyone to trust you enough to let you be their go-to! So once a woman does this, you know she’s serious about you and is willing to let her walls down.

2 – Women Who Want a Serious Relationship Might Make A Lot Of First Moves

Women have been conditioned not to make the first move when it comes to many things related to dating and romance. This is because of many factors, from simply following the grain of society to being cautious of one’s safety. The bottom line is that, while many women will make the first move, it’s hardly commonplace.

When a woman makes the first move, she may ask you out on dates, give you gifts, calls or text you first, and do other things that require her to take the initiative. This action often signifies that she wants a serious relationship with you, as she’s willing to be vulnerable and put herself out there for you.

Do note that this may not apply to all women – but, then again, there are exceptions to virtually every common stereotype. You should use context and critical thought to determine if a woman’s first moves mean something serious or not. For example, a woman who has never been one to take the initiative and suddenly starts taking the first step is likely to be serious about you.

3 – They Include You In Their Idea Of The Future

A serious relationship is long-term and will last long into the future. That’s why a woman who wants a serious relationship will have you in her mind as she makes her upcoming plans. This isn’t referring to the act of fantasizing about marrying you necessarily, though it can be. Primarily, it focuses on your inclusion in her vision of the future. She may:

Include you in her decision-making process, especially for big decisions
Plan future dates with you months in advance
Discuss upcoming plans in such a way that you’re a natural part of them
Talk about long-term personal goals and try to find ways to make them work with yours
Have conversations with you about her vision of her ideal relationship future, such as where she’d live with a partner, how many kids she wants (if any), and other similar details
Leave some of her things at your house or let you leave your things at hers
Use “we” instead of “I” when talking about future events
Talk about tackling her bucket list with you
Ask about your plans

A woman deciding to talk about the future with you doesn’t mean she wants to rush things. It just means that she sees you as a serious candidate for her long-term life and wants to make sure she’s planning accordingly.

4 – They Work Both On Themselves And On The Long-Term Relationship

Relationships can bring out the best in us, but they can also bring out the worst. Many people’s old baggage, childhood patterns, and personal issues only arise in intimate settings. Some people may not realize their problems until they’re in a relationship where they notice these patterns in themselves!

This is why working on oneself is often a central part of healthy relationships. Studies have long shown the importance of continuing to grow together in a serious relationship, facilitating closer bonds and healthier partner dynamics. But just because we know this is important for partnerships, that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. Plenty of people refuse to grow, and it can take a lot of motivation to work on oneself and to work on oneself in tandem with a partner.

Of course, no one should change themselves only for a relationship. But when a woman cares about you and wants a long-term commitment, she will dedicate herself more to her self-improvement and growth. The relationship will provide motivation and inspiration to help her propel herself forward.

Women who desire serious relationships want their partners to accept them as they are, but they also want to be their partners’ best versions of themselves. They will also work very hard to fix and manage the relationship’s hurdles and challenges. She will:

Communicate her concerns, desires, and problems directly in straightforward, honest ways
Ask for feedback and listen closely to her partner’s concerns and problems
Maintain healthy, open communication pathways so both partners can discuss the challenges they face
Learn to manage emotions and conflict in a proactive and positive way
Validate the concerns of her partner and become their safe space

Of course, this may not be easy, and she’ll make mistakes along the way! But what matters most is that, no matter what, when women want a serious relationship, they will commit to personal and cooperative growth for the partnership’s health and happiness. Remember that growing together matters most regarding relationships, as studies say!

5 – A Woman Who Wants A Long-Term Relationship Expects More From You

Women are often very aware that the people they’re interested in might only be interested in noncommittal flings, and they’re often wary about being used for intimacy or emotional labor. On the other hand, a woman who wants a serious relationship will usually hold you to a higher standard than she does other people.

It can feel a little unfair at first but think about it. This is someone who wants a long-term commitment with you. She needs to be sure you’re the kind of person who will step up to the plate and meet her halfway before she can be even more vulnerable. She may:

Have little to no tolerance for broken promises, especially without proper communication beforehand from you
Expect equal or equitable effort from you when it comes to the courting process
Be very upfront with her questions about your dating life
Want to know about your moral, political, and religious views
Want to know where you stand on specific social issues
Become upset (without lashing out) when you don’t meet bare minimum expectations of respect, decency, or commitment

Do note that these expectations should never be unreasonable. They ensure that you’ll treat her well, not that you’ll be a doormat! If you feel you’re never meeting her standards, it’s time to sit her down and discuss where things are going and what she’s looking for.

6 – They Invest In You And A Long-Term Relationship

When people hear the word “investment,” their minds typically jump to money and financial decisions. While money can be involved in this case, that’s not true. When it comes to a serious relationship, people naturally invest time, effort, and other resources into their partnership and the other person. This is what experts refer to as the relationship investment model.

It’s indeed more “traditional” for men to invest more in relationships during the early courting stage. However, the fact is that people of all genders display their investments in their burgeoning partnerships in different ways. It’s a reliable predictor of levels of commitment.

Think about it – would you spend your money, time, and effort bolstering it if you don’t see the potential for a serious relationship with someone, even on a non-romantic basis? A woman will not bother wasting these resources on you unless she wants a long-term commitment. Types of investment she may make include:

Spending her free time on calls, messages, dates, and meetings with the person she’s interested in
Driving out over long distances to meet the person she’s interested in
Going on regular dates where she pays part of or all of the expenses
Helping the person she’s interested in with various tasks, errands, and to-do items
Expressing her interest and love through time-consuming or well-planned means
Deleting dating apps and profiles and no longer seeking out other prospective partners, investing her interest entirely in the person she wants to date seriously without fear of missing out on someone better

Women who want long-term relationships often showcase these investments clearly, speaking through their actions and expended resources. The exact methods they use to display their affection may depend on their specific love language, so keep an eye on the woman you’re interested in to see if she’s communicating her affection uniquely.

Final Thoughts on Some Things Women Do for a Serious Relationship

Women who want serious relationships can be subtle in showing you, but if you know what signs to watch, you’ll spot them a mile away. Still, if you’re unsure where you stand with a woman in your life, it may be a good idea to open a conversation with her about the direction of your relationship. That’s the best way to know how deep her interest in you goes!

10 Ways Worry Can Cause Insomnia (and How to Stop)

September 13, 2022 by Chris Butler

Sleep loss because of worry is common. Besides losing sleep and exhausting you, worry kicks up your heart rate and makes your mind swirl with thoughts. Here are ways to beat insomnia if you struggle with sleep loss because of worry.

What’s the difference between worry and anxiety?

You probably didn’t worry too much about your life as a kid. But once you hit adulthood, worry is an unwelcome guest, especially at bedtime. Worry is feeling very concerned about problems or situations. You might worry about your health, family, job, or other things beyond your control.

Worry is:

Specific
Stress-induced
Your thoughts are non-stop
May prompt you to do something
Related to a genuine concern

Even though worry is specific, it may be out of your control to do anything. Worrying becomes a big problem when it causes sleep loss.

Anxiety is a little different than worry. It lingers long and is hard to control. It may come out of nowhere, unrelated to anything around you. Anxiety also:

Triggers a physical response like a racing heart, headache, or nausea.
You have a perception of your circumstances related to your stress.
Interferes with your ability to work, school, or daily life
Usually need therapeutic intervention to overcome it

Ten Ways Worry Can Cause Sleep Loss and Ten Ways to Beat Insomnia

Now that you know the difference between anxiety and worry, let’s examine why you might be sleepless.

1. Worry follows you to bed

If you’re a worrier, there’s a good chance you don’t sleep well at night. This is because your worrisome daytime thoughts get carried over into the night. They keep you from falling into a deep sleep. If you do get to sleep, you may not stay asleep the entire night. Your worry and anxiety act like an alarm system, waking you up as if there is danger. Nighttime concerns feel more intense than daytime worries. Once your head touches the pillow, your brain magnifies the problems you may have thought about during the day. If your day was busy, you might not have dwelt on your worries too much, but you rehash those daytime worries at night.

2. Worry sets you up for negativity

Sometimes, going to bed is dreadful because you know you won’t be able to sleep. Bedtime becomes a negative experience that increases your worry and leads to anxiety. You may dread laying in bed trying to fall asleep, knowing you will be tired at work the next day.

3. Worry makes you fear focused

Worry is usually about bad things that could happen to you or a loved one. What you’re worried about hasn’t occurred, but the expectation of it happening makes you worry. The things that adults worry about the most are these:

Having a loved one die
The critical illness of someone you love
Fears about children
Fears about keeping their job
Not having enough money to retire from your career
Medical bills
Becoming critically ill
Terrorism
Government corruption
Civil unrest
Failing

4. Sleep reactivity and worry

Some people have what researchers call sleep reactivity. It’s a trait that disrupts your sleep, so you can’t fall asleep or stay asleep. People with high reactivity experience sleep loss, mainly when stressed or worried. Family history contributes to insomnia. Being female and living in a stressful environment also makes you prone to sleep reactivity.

5. Medical conditions can cause fear

If you worry long and hard enough, you may develop an anxiety disorder. Anxiety stresses your body, triggering the release of excessive cortisol. Loss of sleep combined with anxiety can lead to health problems. Conditions such as these:

Thyroid disease: Hypothyroidism where your metabolism slows
Addison’s disease
Heart disease: Anxiety disorders can cause rapid heart rate, palpitations, and chest pain.
Diabetes
Respiratory conditions such as asthma

6. Worry makes you eat more

When you’re sleep-deprived, you feel groggy and tired throughout your day. Studies show that a lack of sleep is associated with a higher risk of weight gain and obesity. Lack of sleep combined with tiredness makes you want to eat foods for comfort and to get more energy. It’s easy to load up on carbohydrates because they give you a short energy boost.

7. Worry shortens your sleep hours

Losing sleep because you’re worried deprives you of the recommended hours of sleep you need every night. When you don’t sleep for at least seven to eight hours each night, it may cause these unfavorable outcomes:

Not being able to do daily activities
Not being able to make decisions as well
Feel more stressed

8. Worry prevents sleep hormone production

Worry inhibits your body’s production of melatonin. When you’re worried, it activates your “fight” or “flight” responses and melatonin production. Melatonin is your body’s sleep hormone. When the production of melatonin slows down, you experience sleep loss.

9. Makes you feel more emotional

You’ll feel stressed when you worry. It keeps you awake. When you sleep poorly or if you’re overly tired from insomnia, it makes you more emotional. You don’t handle things well at work or at home like you usually would. You may get weepy or irritable over small things.

10. Wrong thinking about worry

Some people have a superstitious view of worry. They might think that the more they obsessively try to control the outcome, the less likely the wrong thing will happen. The fact is worry hurts your body. Left unchecked, it leads to anxiety and physical problems.

10 Ways to Beat Insomnia

How do you release your fears and get a good night’s rest? Try these techniques.

1. Let go of things you cannot control

Of course, you can’t get rid of all your stress, but when worry creeps up, create strategies that help you let go of it.

Pray: Praying helps you relax. You can cast your worries of the day onto God. Ask him to help you find peace. Pray about your specific concern. When you give God your worries, it helps you feel less burdened and stressed.
Make a worry list: Writing down your worries won’t solve them, but just getting them on paper or your iPhone notes frees you from carrying the concerns.
Journal writing: Write about what’s worrying you. Then, write down things you’re grateful for despite the worries. It allows you to get perspective. Plus, writing down these thoughts is cathartic for your mind and heart.

2. Try magnesium

Take the magnesium supplement around thirty minutes before you go to bed. Only take the recommended dose to avoid stomach problems.

3. Take the correct amount of melatonin

Melatonin is a hormone. It helps you fall asleep and stay asleep. Be sure to follow the recommendations on the bottle. If you take too much melatonin, it’ll keep you awake. Generally, around five mg of melatonin is enough for an adult to get a good night’s sleep.

4. Read a not-so-interesting book

Reading is a natural way to relax before bed. Researchers say that reading fiction helps you fall asleep faster than non-fiction. Some of the best fiction books to put you to sleep are old classic authors that you probably read in your school days. So, pick up a book by one of these authors to see if it helps you beat your insomnia:

John Steinbeck
James Joyce
Ernest Hemingway
Thomas Hardy
William Faulkner
Joseph Conrad

5. Try breathing relaxation exercises

If you wake up at night unable to sleep, get up and go to another room. Try some breathing exercises to calm your stressful tension. Deep breathing will help clear your mind and help your body to relax. After this, go back to bed if you feel tired. If not, keep doing the relaxation breathing until you feel sleepy.

6. Listen to a story

Even though you’re an adult, listening to a bedtime story may be what you need to fall asleep at night. Sound interesting? Try falling asleep while listening to an audiobook, or check out some popular smartphone sleep apps.

7. Check your medication side effects

If you take medication regularly, check the list of side effects to see if insomnia is one of them. If you take medication, speak with your prescriber if you have insomnia. Your prescription might need to be adjusted.

Alpha-blockers: Alpha-blockers are a blood pressure medication. This medication decreases your REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Lack of REM sleep causes memory problems.
Beta-blockers: This blood pressure medication can wake you up at night. Beta-blockers prevent your body’s melatonin secretion, which helps you fall asleep and stay asleep.
Corticosteroid: This medication helps various physical problems but can overstimulate your mind to the point where you can’t sleep.
Levothyroxine: Levothyroxine treats your underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism). It controls your metabolism and energy levels. However, too much medication impacts your ability to sleep.

8. Trick your brain

If you’re having difficulty falling asleep, get up and try a relaxing activity like reading or gentle stretches. Go back to bed. You should drift off to sleep because you tricked your brain and broke the cycle.

9. Try calming essential oils

Essential oils help you relax and fall asleep at night. The best sleep-enhancing essential oils include:

Sandalwood oil: Sandalwood is one of the most effective sleep essential oils. It enhances peaceful sleep.
Lavender oil: Lavender infuses your mind and body with peacefulness.
Chamomile oil: Try diffusing chamomile essential oils in your bedroom before bedtime for a peaceful night’s sleep.

10. Paradoxical Intention

If you’re losing sleep regularly, this suggestion could be a great way to beat your insomnia. A study found that individuals with insomnia fell asleep quicker when told not to fall asleep. It’s called the Paradoxical Intention. When you can’t sleep, telling yourself you don’t need to sleep reduces your anxiety, so you eventually fall asleep.

Final Thoughts on Sleep Loss Due to Anxiety or Worry

Sleep loss due to worry is a common problem. Worry makes your mind swirl, and your heart rate speeds up. It has adverse effects on how you view bedtime and harms your health. If you lose sleep every night because of worry, hopefully, these ten causes of insomnia and ways to beat them will help.

7 Things Insecure People Do to Reveal Themselves

September 13, 2022 by Deborah Tayloe

Insecurity is as ordinary as a summer cold. Self-doubt can come from a lifetime of things like abusive childhoods, toxic relationships, and being knocked down a few times. Insecure people often wander through life feeling saddled with all the regrets and hurts of yesterday, and these things damage their psyche.

Your history defines you, whether good or bad. If you were to look deep into your soul, you would see emotional scars from your life. Some folks rise above these problems, while others can’t get beyond them. Then there are the people who try to fake it but go home at night only to rehash everything that has gone so wrong.

When you’ve weathered storms in life, it’s only natural that it alters you. Once the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, there’s no way to go back and change because it wants to be more colorful. You’re stuck with the hand life deals you, and many people become negative and bitter because of it.

Folks with long histories and backstories are often very insecure. They feel inferior in life. The things that have happened to them have turned them into an entirely different person, and you can’t rewrite history. The good news is that you can change your course and alter the future.

Seven Signs of an Insecure Person

Dealing with someone with insecurity can be challenging, especially in a romantic relationship. Insecure people often have a negative attitude and are not always the most pleasant to be around. Here are some red flags that someone is insecure and how you should respond to their overbearing actions.

1. Insecurity Shows Arrogance

You probably know someone arrogant. They like to brag about their accomplishments, act like they’re better than everyone else, and make themselves feel superior. Insecure people don’t see their shortcomings, so they come off as cruel and often selfish to others.

What’s going on is that this person had to develop a false sense of pride to get through life. Since they feel like no one else will praise them or their abilities, they make sure they pat themselves on the back. Buddhists describe egotism as one of the mind’s five poisons. They further state that most Abrahamic religions see this behavior as a sin.

How to Respond:

The arrogant person is insecure, but their negative attitude can be challenging to handle. It’s best to call out this childish behavior and put them in their place. Saying something like, “Be careful, as you might put your arm out of socket patting your own back,” can drive the point home.

2. An Insecure Person Has Angry and Rage Issues

Since insecure people have so much negativity inside, it’s no wonder they often have anger and rage issues. Since anger is the easiest emotion to show, you hope you’re not on the receiving end. These people are mad at the world for how their life has gone, and they’re even madder at themselves for not measuring up.

While none of this is true, it’s what they perceive. This person can become abusive in a relationship, as they allow their rage issues to dominate good judgment.

How to Respond:

Living with someone who has anger issues makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. If they ever hit you even one time, you let them know that will be the last time. It’s impossible to live with someone who has uncontrolled rage, and you let them know you won’t stand for it.

3. Insecurity Is Very Fearful

This individual seems to have it all together to the outside world. However, insecure people are often full of doubts on the inside. They’re wondering what happens if they fail or what to do if someone doesn’t like them. All the shameful secrets and problems from their past give them these doubts.

How to Respond:

Remind this person that their insecurity is only apparent in their mind. Remind them of all their successes in life, and be sure to tell them that people would like them more if they acted differently. Fear is a negative emotion that’s hard to overcome, but they can do it with love, support, and a good counselor.

4. Insecure People Are Often Defensive

When an individual feels that everyone around them is better, it’s natural to respond by trying to make themselves look better. The easiest way to make yourself feel superior is to point out someone else’s faults. These actions give the insecure person a false sense of dominance, which strokes their ego.

It’s common for this individual to overreact to authoritative figures negatively. They’re often quick to jump to their own defense, even for no reason.

How to Respond:

Never allow a bully to put you down to puff themselves up. You can put them in their place by calling out exactly what they’re doing. Telling them that just because their insecure doesn’t give them a right to be mean is usually all you will need to say.

5. The Negativity Creates a “Quitter” Mentality

When a person suffers from insecurity, they often don’t finish things. They may start an assignment for work but cannot complete it. In most cases, they’re not good at relationships, jobs, or school.

This is because they’re afraid of being judged and not good enough. Social situations that bring scrutiny may cause intense anxiety. The fear of rejection is holding them back from a fulfilling life.

They don’t want anyone to see them as a fraud or an unlovable person. On the flip side, this person will do anything to gain the approval of others. They’re often the people who like to suck up to the boss. The need for validation drives this person, and their negative feelings on the inside are portrayed on the outside.

How to Respond:

If you’re in a relationship with someone with this level of insecurity, it’s challenging to know what to do. Please encourage them to keep going. Suggest counseling to help them work through all the past traumas. By developing a go-getter attitude instead of being a person that runs, they will notice a big difference in their esteem levels.

6. Must Be the Center of Attention

To cope with all the insecurities someone feels inside, they will either isolate themselves or become the center of attention. Some prefer to be alone because they feel safe when there’s nothing to prove. Others desire a social life and want to be around others, but they struggle to escape their thoughts.

The past rejections and hurts play like a record stuck and replaying the same thing repeatedly. When they put themselves in the limelight, it gives them the admiration they desire. This person might try to tell the funniest jokes, dress provocatively, or be the loudest at dinner.

They may try to impress in other ways by paying for everything or offering to do deeds for people they know they can’t possibly deliver.

How to Respond:

When you see someone going out of their way to fit in, you need to tell them it’s unnecessary. Remind this person that they don’t have to do anything special for people to like them. Running up debt and making promises to do things will only buy them the admiration they need for a tiny bit. They need to allow their true personality to develop so that others can like them for who they are in this life.

7. Insecurity Is Very Needy

Insecure people often feel inadequate, so they develop a needy persona to help them get treated the way they desire. This individual is high maintenance and always has more problems than a math book. In a relationship, they need your constant validation, and they’re likely to be jealous of any connections you have, including family.

Someone with a victim mentality often plays the martyr. Nothing is their fault, as they won’t take personal responsibility. The real issue is that they have unhealthy coping mechanisms due to their negative view of life.

The article further states that this person is a challenge to work with because for every positive thing someone suggests to help, they have 100 reasons it won’t work.

How to Respond:

A needy person can be a lot to handle, so give yourself space when you need it. Tell them that they’re acting a bit over-zealous and let them know what you won’t accept. In any relationship, you must tell people how you expect to be treated, especially if someone displays toxic characteristics.

Final Thoughts on Insecure People

Two people can come through the same storm, and one can be dramatically impacted while the other comes out nearly unscathed. The one who is affected so dramatically is usually the one who will develop insecurities and fears. Getting to a healthy point is often a challenge.

Maybe you’re the insecure person, or it’s someone very close to you. You need to know that you can get through this with the proper help and learn to rewire your brain to think positively rather than negatively. Self-doubt can impact every facet of your life, but you don’t have to allow these insecurities to dominate anymore.

4 Reasons Some Couples Are Happier Sleeping in Separate Beds

September 13, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

We’ve seen the trope repeatedly in movies and TV shows. A couple’s relationship is on the rocks, so they sleep in separate beds. The lack of closeness they share at night reflects the slow demise of their partnership. But for real-life couples, is that reality, or is the truth much less severe than fiction?

A vast majority of couples want to sleep in the same bed. It gives them a chance to cuddle, spend a little time together at the end of a busy day, and wake up next to each other. It’s intimate, affectionate, and comforting. But unfortunately, research shows that we often prioritize the social closeness of bed-sharing over general sleep comfort.

However, the number of couples that will happily sleep separately is rising. Despite the stigma against it, these couples often claim to have perfectly healthy relationships. Some even say that sleeping apart has made their relationship better. Let’s also not forget that sleeping in two beds, placed next to each other and separated by a bedside table, was also reasonably common in decades past among married couples.

So, is it possible for couples to be healthy and happy despite sleeping in separate beds? As it turns out, the answer is yes! And after understanding why they do it, you may start to consider the benefits of following in their footsteps. Here are four reasons some couples are happier sleeping in separate beds.

1 – Conflicting Schedules

One of the biggest reasons couples sleep in separate beds is practical. Conflicting schedules, whether from different work schedules or due to different natural sleep patterns, can mean conflicting bedtimes and wake times. This conflict can mean:

An early-rising partner’s alarm wakes up a late-rising partner who only just crawled into bed three hours ago.
Very little time a couple spends in bed can be affectionate or intimate, as one partner is always asleep, making shared beds much less critical to a couple’s dynamic.
The noise of an awake partner moving in the bedroom can wake up their tired, sleeping partner and cause sleep disruption.
An awake partner may be unable to perform their regular waking routine that helps energize them because they’re worried about waking their sleeping partner.
One partner may encourage another to “catch up” on sleep, disrupting the other partner’s sleep patterns.

These reasons are why couples often choose to sleep separately. However, studies show that having completely different circadian rhythms can lead to increased conflict in bed-sharing partners.

Schedule Conflicts Cause These Issues for Couples

It’s worth noting that conflicting schedules can significantly negatively impact a relationship. This isn’t necessarily because of a lack of shared bedtimes, however. It’s because these disparities mean that couples:

Have less time to be together
Don’t get to communicate as often
Tend to see each other only when one person is already tired from their day
Are unable to schedule dates and quality time
May not have enough energy for intimacy
Drift apart due to lack of shared time

As such, couples must continue working on carving out time for each other healthily despite conflicting schedules. When possible and not unfair, it’s also often advised that couples find a way to adjust their plans to allow for more shared time when both partners aren’t exhausted.

Some couples may choose to maintain closeness through conflicting schedules by sleeping in the same bed. However, this is not the only solution. If you face these struggles, you should talk to your partner about possible ways to keep your bond solid and affectionate despite conflicting schedules.

2 – Sleep Disruptions Cause Couples To Sleep In Separate Beds

Did you know that research shows that a partner can account for a whopping 50% of nightly sleeping disruptions when you share a bed? When you sleep with a partner, they can disrupt your sleep in the following ways:

Snoring and Other Sleep Noise

Snoring is a prime reason that many couples choose to sleep separately. Uniform, regular snoring is typically not a problem, but few people snore so “neatly.” Most will emit loud, sudden, and irregular noises when snore, disrupting a partner’s deep sleep and waking them up. The same goes for sleep talking, gnashing or grinding teeth, and general loud noises.

Movement

You may not think someone moving around will disrupt sleep, but the reality is that it certainly can. A partner may toss and turn, bump into you, and even accidentally punch or kick you in their sleep. Worse still, they may have restless leg syndrome! To some degree, a firmer mattress can help to prevent excessive movement-related disruptions. But no bed will help if your partner keeps kicking or shoving you while trying to sleep!

Temperature

Some people need a pleasant, cool environment, and having another person in bed raises the temperature. However, if one partner is the type to emit body heat, they will not wake up sweating multiple times per night. The same goes for sleeping with someone who tends to steal the blanket, leaving the other shivering in the middle of the night!

Space-Stealing

It’s not unusual for someone to move around in bed and inadvertently squeeze their partner into a corner. A larger bed can fix this, but some couples still prefer sleeping separately, so they have as much space to themselves as they want.

Disrupted sleep has numerous effects on everyday life, causing fatigue, lack of focus, irritability, and poor lifestyle decisions. As a result, couples may have to make the mature decision to sleep apart for the sake of their everyday function.

3 – Couples Have Varying Specific Sleep Needs

Some people can be like Goldilocks when it comes to sleeping – everything has to be right before they can comfortably doze off. For people like this, sleeping separately means never having to compromise on their ideal sleep environment. Some examples of specific sleep needs are:

Temperature Needs: Some people like a cool bedroom and others like it warmer. While, in most cases, a cool temperature is central to good sleep, it’s not uncommon for partners to have wildly different preferences for night-time temperature. Couples can fix this by using different blankets and sleep clothing materials, but they may find it easier to sleep separately.
Noise Needs: Some people need complete, dead silence to be able to sleep. Others want to fall asleep to a noise machine, TV, or radio sound. It’s easy to see why these incompatibilities may drive a couple to sleep separately.
Light Needs: Like with noise, some people prefer to have zero light and pitch darkness when sleeping. Others may be uncomfortable with that and choose a nightlight or even to have bright light. Couples can fix this by having one partner wear a sleep mask, but not all people like the sensation; some may rather sleep apart.
Mattress Needs: One partner may need a very soft mattress, while the other prefers a very firm one. Bedding and mattress firmness can play a huge role in sleep quality, which is non-negotiable for many. While half-and-half mattresses exist, they can often be more expensive, and some partners may consider the investment not worth it and prefer sleeping separately.

3 – Couples Who Sleep Separately Sometimes See Improved Relationship Health

In some cases, couples strengthen their bond and sleep separately for the sake of the health of their relationship. Despite the stigma surrounding it, having separate beds or bedrooms may be the best and healthiest decision for some couples. Here’s how sleeping separately can improve general relationship health.

Reduced Resentment: Over time, repeatedly getting lousy sleep because of a partner can cause resentment. It seems like such a small thing until you remember how insufficient sleep can affect everyday life. Sometimes the wisest thing to do for a couple is to sleep apart for their mutual health and happiness.
Heightened Desire For Intimacy: You’d think that sleeping apart reduces bedtime activities, but this is not the case. Instead, when good sleep energizes couples, they’re more likely to be interested in physical intimacy, according to research, especially among women.
Better Communication: Being well-rested makes you a better communicator and partner, say studies. You become funnier, more empathic, and even more attractive to others when you get the sleep you need. This is why marital quality can improve so much after couples begin to sleep apart. You have enough energy and pep in your step to be attentive, affectionate, and caring instead of burned out, exhausted, and stressed out.

Final Thoughts On Why Some Couples Are Happier Sleeping In Separate Beds

Many couples find that sleeping separately grants them a better sleep. If you’ve been worried about taking the step to sleeping apart, consider how much of a positive impact it can have. The adverse effects of exhaustion and other issues can be much worse for your relationship than sleeping separately. Despite all the stigma attached to it, sleeping apart doesn’t have to be a sign of a relationship on the rocks. It can just be healthy!

That said, addressing a few things is essential when making this decision. First and foremost, couples must have a mutual understanding and be on the same page about why they made the decision. There should be an open, honest conversation about making this change to prevent resentment, fear of losing affection, and other problems from taking root.

Couples with children should also talk about their sleeping arrangements with their kids. Many children feel fear or shame about their parents sleeping separately, as they may think it’s a sign that their parents don’t love each other anymore. Explaining why you’ve decided to sleep separately can help them to understand why it’s a good idea. Offer reassurance about your love for each other and answer any questions your kids may have.

Finally, don’t feel discouraged if you miss sleeping with your partner. You can fix many sleep incompatibilities. According to studies, you can address a vast majority of sleep-related issues, including issues like snoring and sleep-talking. In the meantime, don’t forget to make time for physical affection to make up for the cuddles you miss out on at night!

Psychologist Explains 20 Behaviors That Ruin Relationships

September 12, 2022 by Chris Butler

Did you know it’s effortless to ruin relationships with toxic behaviors that many people don’t realize they have? That one little lie you didn’t think your partner would ever discover was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Specific behaviors will drag you down and cause significant pain, suffering, and unhealthy relationships. The outcome will hold you back from obtaining what you want.

These behaviors can be your issue, or they might be some character flaws you see in the person you love. The problem is that these actions have a toxic effect on your relationship, and they could be what causes utter ruin. A cheating spouse can suck all the joy and happiness out of you, and you will find that you become sad, angry, and even bitter towards them.

Twenty Harmful Behaviors That Ruin Relationships

You can free yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, and you’ll notice a shift immediately. How you see and interact with the world is vital for your overall well-being. The first step in this journey towards becoming a better you are purging these toxic behaviors weighing you down.

If you’re with someone who displays such actions, it’s time to reevaluate your connection, as these things can ruin relationships quicker than anything. Here are the twenty most destructive behaviors you don’t want in your relationship.

1. Jealousy Can Ruin Relationships

A jealous person can be a real threat. According to the National Library of Medicine, jealousy can be helpful, as it makes you feel wanted. However, morbid jealousy contrasts with usual possessiveness due to its intensity. People who have severe issues with envy become unrealistic with their demands.

They often want to close the other person off and keep them to themselves, which is one of the most common ways to ruin relationships with this unhealthy behavior.

2. Playing The Victim Causes Unhealthy Relationships

People who will never take responsibility for their actions are unhealthy in their thought processes. They prefer to point the finger back at you or anyone else to avoid blame. Under the surface, you will likely find some trauma or low self-esteem driving these behaviors.

3. Manipulation Might Ruin a Relationship

The controlling partner knows how to play people. You might see them as the puppet master holding you by strings and manipulating your every move. They are deceptive by nature, and they enjoy the misery they inflict. Most certainly, this kind of behavior will ruin relationships.

4. A Sense of Entitlement

Some people believe that life and the Universe owe them something. They always feel like there’s a deficiency and want to be repaid. They often walk around with a chip on their shoulder because they think they’ve been done wrong.

5. You Can Ruin Relationships By Lying

The lying partner is self-explanatory. Dishonesty is unhealthy and has no place in a relationship. If they lie to you once, they will lie time and again.

6. Cheating or Infidelity

Cheating often doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t love or care about you anymore. The act of infidelity is more about them than you. However, seeking gratification from others will ruin relationships fast, as it’s one of the most common reasons for divorce or separation.

7. Lack of Support

Everybody needs support and someone to be with them in life. When the chips are down, you need that shoulder to cry on. Consequently, the lack of support will do nothing but make you feel isolated and alone.

8. Cruelty Is Toxic for a Relationship

There is never a reason for cruelty, regardless of the situation. It’s unhealthy to call people names or engage in anything that makes you feel less than. Your partner is there to support you and not put you down. You don’t need this in your life, nor do you have to stand for it.

9. Gaslighting

Some manipulative partners want to make it look like you’re the one with the problem. They will turn things around so you believe you’re causing the issues. For instance, a cheating partner may manipulate the situation until you think they have no choice but to cheat because of how you acted.

10. Selfishness

The selfish partner is the one who puts themselves above you. They’re always looking out for number one, and there’s no room in their heart for anyone but themselves. They will often take from the family to ensure they meet their wants before anyone else.

11. Arrogance Is Toxic

Arrogance will ruin relationships quickly. No one likes to be with someone who thinks they’re superior to everyone else. This person feels that they’re just a little better than others, and their arrogant attitude is a big turn-off.

12. Antagonistic

Being with an antagonistic person who likes to start fights is no fun. Sometimes, you want peace in life and don’t want to be with someone always looking for a battle.

At the core of the antagonistic person is someone with an unhealthy sense of self-worth. They make themselves feel better by forcing their opposition or hostility on you.

13. Stonewalling Can Ruin Relationships

The person who engages in stonewalling shuts down when there’s a conflict they must handle. This is an avoidant behavior pattern as this person has poor coping skills. When faced with uncomfortable situations, their emotions kick into overdrive, so they prefer to shut the conversation down or ignore it.

According to the National Library of Medicine, Gottman studied this subject in 1993 with 260 participants. They found that a high number of the participants had borderline personality disorder as well as antisocial tendencies. It could be the fuel behind this emotional implosion.

14. Perfectionism Leads to Unhealthy Relationships

Wouldn’t it be nice if you had the perfect partner and life? Some folks have real issues with how the world perceives them, so they want things to look perfect from the outside. It’s unrealistic and will ruin relationships, as keeping up with the demands is impossible.

15. Holding A Grudge

You cannot hold a grudge against your partner and expect a good relationship. You must talk things out and clear the air. Holding on to yesterday’s problems will affect your tomorrow, and this person has difficulty letting things go.

16. Stubbornness Can Be Toxic

Relationships are all about giving and taking. If one person takes more than they give, there’s an upset. Being stubborn can be helpful sometimes, but you need to be flexible when it comes to your partner.

17. Ignoring Self-Care

Finding self-care on the list might be shocking, but it’s a bigger problem than you think. Many people don’t keep up with hygiene and other activities that care for the body. It’s not uncommon, as even some Hollywood stars have been reported to have poor hygiene habits.

Sadly, when a person doesn’t shower, brush their teeth, get their hair cut, or trim their fingernails, it can cause quite a struggle in the relationship. No one wants to sleep beside, let alone be romantic with, someone who doesn’t care for their body.

18. You’ll Ruin a Relationship by Staying Stuck in the Past

Your past is a place you like to visit from time to time to enjoy the memories. However, you can’t fixate your whole life on what happened yesterday.

Some people are so caught up in their past that they can’t see a future. You need to set goals and have a vision for yourself and your partner, and it’s impossible to do so when you’re preoccupied with history.

19. Resisting New Experiences Causes Unhealthy Relationships

Life is all about having new experiences and reinventing your life. When you have a partner who resists anything new, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut.

This person is content with going to the same store or restaurant and isn’t looking for new adventures. When one person is adventurous and the other one not so much, it will ruin relationships as there are conflicting goals.

20. Taking Things too Personally Causes Strained Relationships

The person who wears their emotions on their sleeves is always fragile. Anything you say or do may be the cause of their emotional upset. It ruins relationships when one person is always in defensive mode for no good reason.

Final Thoughts on Recognizing the Toxic Behaviors That Can Ruin Relationships

Balancing your moods and emotions in a chaotic world is challenging, but you don’t want to spend your days with a liar or a manipulating person. However, considering that the person you date also has the same struggles can ruin relationships. Having a healthy connection takes two people working together to fix the flaws and enhance the good.

If you find that you’re with someone who displays some of the toxic traits listed above, it may be time to consider counseling or dating around a bit more. If you have any of these traits above that have the potential to make you miserable and hurt the ones you love, then it’s time to do some soul searching and change your bad habits to break the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Psychologist Explains 5 Skills To Be More Assertive

September 12, 2022 by Kristen Lawrence

Many people wish to become more assertive but don’t know where to start. Assertiveness involves stating your feelings and needs in a kind yet firm manner. It also means standing up for yourself and not tolerating disrespect.

Assertive people manage to find the right balance between timidity and aggressiveness. Self-assured people don’t shout or bark orders, but they don’t sit quietly while others take advantage.

Many people struggle with assertiveness due to upbringing, childhood trauma, or personality. For example, if you grew up in an invalidating environment, you probably thought that your feelings didn’t matter.

Adverse childhood experiences may have caused you to bottle up your emotions to please your parents. Since they neglected your feelings, you likely never learned how to assert yourself. Everyone deserves to have their voice heard, but this becomes a foreign concept for people with childhood trauma.

Even if you didn’t experience childhood emotional neglect, you might have a shy personality. Perhaps you prefer to blend into the background and not ruffle any feathers. Doing so may feel safer, but it doesn’t allow you to grow and learn self-confidence.

However, practicing a few essential skills can teach one to become more assertive.

Psychologist Reveals 5 Ways to Become More Assertive

Below, we’ll review these skills to help you become more confident and outspoken.

1. Be Mindful of Your Feelings to Increase Assertiveness.

You must learn how to accept your emotions first to become more assertive. If you don’t allow yourself to feel, you can never set clear boundaries with others. Healthy relationships begin with you, so become your own best friend by practicing self-compassion. The first step to healing involves finding the courage to look deep within yourself.

Become aware of your emotions, and watch them as they pass through your consciousness. If you can learn to identify emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them, it makes it easier to communicate with others.

Being able to express yourself confidently makes you more approachable and creates harmonious relationships. Since mindfulness helps with emotional regulation, it promotes a deeper connection with ourselves and others.

2. Believe That Your Thoughts Are Valid.

Being mindful of your feelings will teach you to express yourself clearly, and assertively. But first, you must believe that you deserve to have your emotions heard. Even if you feel comfortable with your inner self, you may still struggle with self-worth.

Outdated beliefs from your childhood may keep you from communicating with others effectively. If you harbor doubts about the validity of your feelings, you may decide to keep them to yourself.

So, the next step to becoming more assertive involves believing in yourself. Practice self-love and remember that you deserve to express your thoughts like anyone else. It doesn’t mean you have to shout over people or act defensively. It just means knowing your voice matters and permitting yourself to speak up.

3. To Be More Assertive, Respond Instead of React.

You might think reacting before anyone else can get the upper hand shows assertiveness. However, responding emotionally only causes the other person to become defensive, creating a vicious cycle.

Having emotional intelligence means taking time to process the situation before reacting. Sifting through your emotions first allows you to cool down and avoid saying anything you don’t mean.

If you react out of fear or anger, the situation will likely spiral into chaos. Becoming assertive involves learning to control your emotions so they don’t get the best of you. By mastering your feelings, you can approach situations with a clearer mind.

Think of this step as “zooming out” on your emotions to get a better vantage point. Taking time to reflect helps you see the bigger picture instead of blowing things out of proportion.

4. Try to Put Yourself in the Other Person’s Shoes.

Most people think being assertive only involves themselves, so they don’t consider anyone else. But, an essential step in becoming more emphatic is listening to others. If you acknowledge their feelings and show empathy, they’re more likely to lower their defenses.

Everyone wants to feel heard and respected, starting with the person in the mirror. If you can see the situation through someone else’s eyes, you will understand their motivations and reactions. It makes them more willing to listen to your perspective and find common ground.

5. Consider How You Want to Deliver an Assertive (but not Aggressive) Message.

The final skill to becoming more assertive involves putting everything together that you’ve learned so far. It’s time to test your new skills and knowledge so that assertiveness becomes second nature. When communicating with others, you must consider the setting, situation, and message you want to deliver.

For instance, imagine that your neighbors constantly blast loud music when you’re trying to sleep. If you don’t talk to them often, you probably wouldn’t yell over the fence asking them to turn it down. Instead, you might look up their phone number and give them a call. Or, perhaps you’d knock on their door and politely but firmly ask that they keep it down.

Licensed psychologist Jonice Webb, Ph.D., discussed this scenario. She recommended saying something like this to your neighbors:

“It sounds like you are having a lot of fun over there, but I’m having trouble falling asleep with the loud music. Would you be able to turn the music down around midnight from now on? I’d really appreciate it since I have work in the morning.”

In this situation, the person clearly stated their needs while respecting the neighbor. So, being assertive doesn’t necessitate rudeness – it simply means expressing yourself without feeling guilty about your emotions.

Final Thoughts on Skills to Become More Assertive

Some people struggle with low self-esteem and feel shameful about stating their needs. Childhood trauma and neglect may cause someone to become passive out of fear of rejection. However, anyone can learn how to become assertive with the tips above. Above all else, learning to become your best friend and showing self-compassion will foster confidence. If you can mend your relationship with yourself, it will also reflect in your other connections.

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