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The Psychology of Attraction, According to Counselors

July 14, 2022 by Kristen Lawrence

Powerful biological and evolutionary forces dictate our attraction to others. However, most people can’t pinpoint what exactly makes someone attractive. They unconsciously feel drawn to certain personality types, physiques, or facial features. That’s evolution at work, trying to help you find an ideal mate to raise a family with.

It would be nice if a precise formula existed that helped explain our attraction to people. But the psychology behind why we desire certain people isn’t that simple.

Many factors play a role in physical and emotional attraction, such as hormones, similar personalities, and even the person’s voice. Dr. Claire Hart, an associate professor of social and personality psychology, explains five significant attraction predictors below.

What Makes People Attractive?

1. Physical Attractiveness.

Not surprisingly, physical attraction plays the most significant role in the initial stages of a relationship. After all, we often judge someone quickly at first, and we naturally feel drawn to specific attributes.

Personality matters too, but evolution guides us to choose visually appealing partners by default. Whether or not we realize it, we pick someone based on their ability to pass desirable genes to offspring.

Therefore, we are attracted to characteristics such as masculine bodies or feminine jawlines. Research shows that men prefer females with softer facial features, such as a small jaw, wide eyes, and high eyebrows. Other studies reveal that men are most attracted to women with a lower waist-to-hip ratio, indicating excellent fitness and fertility.

On the other hand, women may prioritize partners with broad shoulders, a firm grip, and a high level of physical fitness. Also, on average, women tend to feel more attracted to men taller than them.

Generally, people choose partners based on how healthy they perceive them to be. Evolutionarily, the greater the attraction, the more likely your partner will have favorable genes.

2. Proximity Increases Attraction.

Another important yet overlooked aspect of attraction is how often you see someone. Basically, the more you cross paths with a person, the greater your chances of feeling a connection with them. Proximity helps reduce the options for potential mates, according to Hart. And, seeing someone regularly is enough to feel attracted to them.

This makes sense if you consider how we met prospective partners in the past. Before the technological revolution, we could only meet people in person. Most of the time, this happened at work or school, where the pool of potential partners would have been much smaller. In today’s world of online dating, people have become overwhelmed with choices. Therefore, they might prioritize different characteristics than they would by meeting someone in real life.

So, if you want to narrow your options, skip the dating apps and try meeting people the old-fashioned way. By frequenting your favorite coffee shop, for instance, you’re bound to strike up an interesting conversation with a love interest eventually.

3. Similarity, Reciprocity, and Familiarity Inform Attraction.

As they say, birds of a feather flock together, which holds true when it comes to romantic relationships. Our attraction to others increases with similar personalities, beliefs, values, and physical characteristics. We also tend to choose people with similar socioeconomic, cultural, and educational backgrounds. Perhaps that seems a bit egotistical, but evolution also plays a role in this tendency.

A study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences provided evidence for the theory. It found that spouses tend to share some genetic similarities. Other research published in Psychological Science discovered that it is easier to trust people who look similar to us.

Perhaps we feel a stronger attraction to people most like us because it helps validate our values and personalities. Hart says this idea comes from the reciprocity theory, which states that you’re more likely to be accepted by those similar. Therefore, to lower the risk of rejection, we naturally seek out people we perceive as “safe.”

Historical context about physical attraction

Attraction to others also stems from our desire for the familiar. In ancient times, sticking with your tribe kept you safe from threats and helped increase your chances of survival. This same evolutionary tactic may still play a role in our relationships today. Hart says we instinctively pick people who seem predictable and familiar because it reduces the likelihood of conflict.

Humans naturally want to choose the path of least resistance. That means we desire partners that make life easier and more enjoyable. While opposites attract in some cases, people with too many differences may have more disagreements. In general, our attraction increases based on how much we have in common with someone.

However, Hart concludes that the psychology of attraction varies widely depending on many factors. Evolution, upbringing, genetics, environment, and personal preferences play a role in our chosen relationships.

Remember to express gratitude for the person you’ve got and make the most of each moment. We never know what tomorrow brings, so we must live in the present and hold our loved ones close. Attraction deepens with empathy and understanding, and after many years with your partner, it will blossom into a lifelong friendship. You’ll have many ups and downs together, but true love stands the test of time.

Final Thoughts on the Psychology of What People Find Attractive in Potential Partners

Psychologists and social scientists have studied attraction for many years and still haven’t found the answers. It’s a complex topic that doesn’t have a universal formula to measure or understand what makes people attractive. Physical characteristics, similarity, familiarity, and proximity to a love interest increase desire. Hormones and genetic factors also come into play when someone chooses a partner to settle down with.

Psychologists have found that personality matters as much as physical traits regarding attraction. We tend to find attractive people with similar beliefs, values, and attitudes about life. Do you find this to be true about your life partner? Let us know in the comments!

Psychology Explains 6 Reasons People Stay In an Unhappy Marriage

July 14, 2022 by Kristen Lawrence

If you’ve ever met someone in an unhappy marriage, you may wonder why they stick around. Or, perhaps you’ve experienced dissatisfaction with married life yourself and know the reasons firsthand. Typically, couples want to honor their marriage vows and feel torn when getting a divorce. Sometimes, leaving a committed relationship can seem worse than the anguish of staying with your partner.

Of course, most people desire a healthy, fulfilling relationship well into their golden years. No one wants an unhappy marriage, but unfortunately, life isn’t always smooth sailing.

Problems and disagreements inevitably arise, and some couples find they aren’t compatible. They may decide to dissolve their marriage or tough it out despite the glaring issues or incompatibilities.

6 Common Reasons People Stay in An Unhappy Marriage

Below, we’ll go over the main reasons people report staying in unsatisfying relationships.

1. Investment of Time.

Many couples decide to remain in an unhappy marriage if they’ve invested many years into the relationship. They probably feel pretty comfortable in the relationship if they’ve been together for a decade or more. They may not want to risk a divorce, even if they don’t necessarily feel happy in the marriage.

Perhaps the couple would rather stay married unhappily than look back at their relationship as wasted time. Called the sunk cost fallacy in the business world, it can also apply to marriage.

This theory states that the more resources and time one invests into something, the more one will continue investing in it. Studies show that couples would stay in an unhappy marriage the more money, time, and effort had been invested in the relationship.

In that case, they might think being single would pose even more problems. They would have to start over from scratch and take on all the adult responsibilities alone. Some people see marriage as the better, safer option, especially if they have much to lose.

2. They Still Have Feelings For Their Partner.

Even if a partner feels stuck in an unhappy marriage, they may still have feelings for their spouse. Those deep feelings don’t just disappear no matter how much the couple has drifted apart. People may also stay in toxic relationships because they don’t want to hurt their partners. They may realize the relationship no longer works but can’t bring themselves to leave.

They can’t live with them but can’t live without them. The saying observes how love is blind; perhaps that universal sentiment keeps many people in unhappy marriages.

3. Financial Concerns.

Living costs a pretty penny today, and divorce only adds more stress to rising prices. Many people can’t afford to get divorced and have no choice but to stay in an unhappy marriage. Divorce costs increase considerably if couples can’t agree on how to split resources. So, they may decide it’s too complicated and time-consuming to end their marriage.

Their partner may have left full-time work to raise children or care for the home. In this case, they would have no resources to start over independently. They might have to earn another degree or take a low-paying job to make ends meet. This puts them at a severe disadvantage in the workforce, especially if they’ve been out of work.

Some studies have found that people might stay in an unhappy marriage for their partner’s sake. For example, if their partner depends on them for financial stability, their chances of filing for divorce decrease. While they no longer feel content with their partner, they can’t bear to see them struggling to survive.

4. They Have Kids Together.

Having kids together makes the prospect of divorce much less appealing. In this case, ending a marriage affects the whole family and can lifelong impact a child’s emotional health. Some people stay together for the kids because they know children need stability to thrive. However, some research shows that children fare better if their parents leave an unhappy marriage.

Divorce does have detrimental impacts on children, but they will heal as time goes on. However, keeping children in a stressful, unstable environment causes even more significant problems for their mental health. In this case, having joint custody of the children would probably benefit everyone equally. But, the couple must decide what’s best for their family.

5. They Fear Backlash From Friends or Family.

A terminated marriage can create tension in even the most tight-knit families, especially if their religion or culture looks down on divorce. Sometimes, people remain in unhappy marriages to avoid backlash from their family or peers.

They may not want to deal with the humiliation or drama of divorce. The couple may also have mutual friends and not want to lose them by breaking up.

In most cases, a failed marriage affects the extended family, and couples usually consider this when discussing divorce. Collectivist cultures may even shun couples who get divorced, making them more likely to remain in unhappy marriages.

However, studies have shown that staying in toxic relationships can reduce well-being even more than being single. In other words, your health should leave dysfunctional relationships, even if your family disagrees.

6. They Believe Things Will Improve.

Finally, people may decide to stay together despite unhappiness if they have hope for the future. Perhaps they’ve convinced themselves that somehow, their partner will change, and they will eventually feel satisfied. They might even ignore any issues, reasoning that they can enjoy the good parts of the marriage instead.

Final Thoughts on Why People Remain in Unhappy Marriages

People stay in dysfunctional relationships for many reasons, usually due to finances, time invested, and fear of change. No matter how toxic the marriage, they may prefer familiarity rather than starting over with someone new. They may have children together and not want to burden them with a divorce.

However, most studies show that couples and children fare better after an unhealthy marriage ends. If couples can’t resolve their differences, it’s usually best for everyone involved to move on amicably.

15 Behaviors an Unloving Partner Displays When They Want to End a Relationship

July 13, 2022 by Sarah Barkley

When your partner is falling out of love, you can usually identify signs that the end of the relationship is near. You’ll notice that they become an unloving partner, although you might not know why at first. Every relationship goes through hard times, but there are things someone wants to end a relationship.

You can do a few things if you notice the signs of an unloving partner. One option is to focus on reconnecting to try and save your relationship. Or, you can choose to move on before things worsen.

Breakups often catch people off guard, but if you know what to look for, you can see it coming. Your partner will drop hints that there are issues, allowing you to prepare for the worst. These signs don’t always mean a breakup is inevitable, but it’ll take work to save the relationship.

When your partner feels unsatisfied in the relationship, it’s best to discuss the situation. You can create a plan together or choose to go your separate ways.

How an Unloving Partner Acts When They’re Ready to End a Relationship

1. An Unloving Partner Can Seem Unhappy All the Time

If your partner seems unhappy, it’s a sign there’s trouble in your relationship. They might not laugh as much as they used to or stop doing things that they once enjoyed with you. It could be a mental health concern, but having an open conversation can help you figure it out.

You can also determine if their unhappiness stems from the relationship by watching how they interact with others. If they are still happy and acting like themselves with others, but their demeanor toward you has changed, don’t ignore it.

2. The Threaten to Break Up with You

If your partner threatens to leave you, the thought has been on their mind. They might say they’ll end the relationship anytime you disagree.

This behavior shows that they are uninvested in the relationship and that it doesn’t mean much to them. Your partner wants you to pay attention and agree with their opinions, showing a desire for control instead of stability.

3. You Aren’t Intimate as Often as Before

A lack of intimacy signifies that your partner might be ready to end the relationship. It could indicate something is wrong if you notice that you aren’t intimate as often. They might replace intimacy with friendly or playful banter to make it seem like everything is okay.

In a healthy relationship, you’ll likely go through periods when you aren’t intimate often. If this is the only sign you recognize in your relationship, it’s probably okay. Paired with other behaviors of an unloving partner and you might want to pay attention.

4. An Unloving Partner Makes You Feel Unappreciated

It’s not a good sign if your partner doesn’t say thank you or show you they appreciate you. You might start wondering why you can’t do anything to make them happy. It’s not something you’re doing wrong, though.

If you feel unappreciated, it could be that your partner is looking for a way out. They deny how great you are so they won’t feel so bad about leaving.

5. They Start Avoiding You

When someone is afraid to tell their partner they want to break up, they might avoid them first. They’ll be dishonest and won’t be direct about how they feel. You might notice that they cancel plans at the last minute or avoid making plans altogether.

People tend to distance themselves when they feel doubtful about a relationship. They’ll make excuses for why they can’t hang out, but the truth is that they’re no longer interested.

6. They Act Like Spending Time with You is a Chore

You should never feel like a chore when you’re with your partner. In a healthy relationship, your partner will enjoy doing things with you and investing in your relationship.

This sign isn’t to say that your partner must spend all their time with you, but they should look forward to it. If your partner views the relationship as a chore, you’ll notice that they actively pull away and grumble about making plans.

7. An Unloving Partner May Keep Secrets or Hide Things

If your partner is being secretive, it could be because they’re ready to end the romance. Sometimes their secrets come from having an affair, but that’s not always the case.

However, if they’re hiding their phone or logging out of social media when you’re around, it’s not a good sign. Sometimes they’ll start hanging out with new people you don’t know and won’t share their plans with you.

8. They Prioritize Everyone Except You

Couples should have friendships separate from their relationship, but they shouldn’t make you feel like you come last. They might spend all their free time with other people and then claim not to have time for you.

If this happens, you can bring the issue up and hope for a change. You’ll know where you stand if your partner still doesn’t make time for you or invite you along for their activities. They will say they’re too busy for you but post pictures with other people, showing that they no longer prioritize you.

9. They Don’t Seem Present When You’re Together

It’s a bad sign if your partner doesn’t seem present when they’re with you. They might seem uninterested in what you have to say, or they’ll seem emotionally distant. You shouldn’t feel you must convince your partner to pay attention.

Your relationship could end when you feel your partner doesn’t notice or care what you’re going through. There will be a disconnect before your partner breaks up with you. This situation can become evident if they’re always on their phone or watching TV.

10. An Unloving Partner Will No Longer Talk About the Future with You

This red flag won’t mean much if you’ve never discussed your future together. However, if you used to talk about and plan for your future together, it’s a bad sign if it stops. Your partner might stop talking about moving in together, going on vacations, or getting married.

If this happens, it shows an unloving partner who doesn’t want to be together long-term. Don’t assume anything without talking to them first, but don’t ignore it.

11. They Criticize You and Never Give Compliments

Your partner shouldn’t constantly criticize or make you feel bad about yourself. If you notice that compliments don’t come as often as they used to, it could indicate an unloving partner. Pay attention to see if they criticize you more than they say nice things.

This sign shows that your partner isn’t treating you well, and you might decide to end things before they make the jump themselves. They sometimes find fault in everything you do, even if they didn’t mind in the past. Sometimes they’ll even criticize things they used to love about you.

12. They Pick Fights Near the End of a Relationship

Every couple argues sometimes, but it shouldn’t become a constant occurrence. When minor disagreements turn into full-on fights, it’s a sign that your partner wants out.

They create issues to have an excuse to end the relationship. Your partner will seem irritable and frequently annoyed, and you’ll feel constant tension.

13. They Don’t Do Things for You Anymore

Relationships require both partners to do nice things for one another. Doing nice things is accessible at the beginning of the relationship when you’re both excited about something new. However, as time goes on, the excellent experiences wane a bit.

If they stop doing nice things altogether, it’s a sign that the romance is ending. They’ll stop planning date nights or make no effort to reconcile after an argument. This lack of kindness can be devastating as it shows you have an unloving partner.

14. They View Happy Memories Negatively

When you have happy memories with your partner, it can hurt if they see them differently. They might make negative comments about memories you think fondly of. It shows they no longer want to see the good in your romance.

Remember that their negative mindset has nothing to do with you or something you did wrong. Instead, it’s your partner’s way of making a clean break by making it seem like there were never happy times.

15. An Unloving Partner Might Stop Communicating

If your partner wants out of the relationship, they’ll stop communicating as often. They’ll ignore your phone calls and text messages and not bother to call back. At first, they might cut back slowly until it becomes clear that they never want to talk anymore.

When you talk to your partner, they won’t share as much as they used to. They’ll leave out details or you wonder what they’re up to when you’re not around. The less they share with you, the more they prepare to leave.

Final Thoughts on Behaviors of an Unloving Partner Who Wants to End a Relationship

It can be hard to accept that you have an unloving partner who wants out of the relationship. However, if you notice soon enough, you can ask them if there’s anything you can do to fix it. If they won’t discuss the situation or make no effort to change, it might be time to walk away.

You deserve someone who makes you feel good, and you shouldn’t have to beg for happiness. There’s someone out there who will cherish you for who you are. Don’t let an unloving partner bring you down when you know how much you’re worth.

14 Reasons Why Two Narcissists Often Fall in Love

July 13, 2022 by Sarah Barkley

You might think the chances of two narcissists meeting and falling in love are low, but it’s more common than you’d expect. Even still, there’s the question of whether a relationship between two people with narcissistic personality disorder is sustainable or doomed from the start.

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) start their romantic journey looking for a giving and caring partner. They want someone who will constantly pay attention to them and give them the things they want and need. However, studies show they are more likely to fall in love with another narcissist long-term.

A person with NPD is self-absorbed and only thinks of themselves. They often think they’re better than anyone else around them and treat others with disdain. These people are full of themselves and want others to feel like they’re lucky to spend time with them.

Someone like this is incapable of having a supportive, loving relationship. While self-absorbed people might get lucky and find someone to put up with their narcissism, they’ll likely be looking for a while. Instead, you might notice that two narcissists fall in love, and there’s good reason for it.

Why Two Narcissists Often Fall in Love

1. Narcissists Are Both Excited About Impressing One Another

Both partners are self-absorbed and love impressing people. They enjoy the big gestures and love-bombing of the first stage of their relationship. Both will enjoy receiving these things from their partner.

They both shower one another with praise and adoration. The beginning of the relationship is often full of charm and romance, making one another feel special.

2. Those With NPD Bond Over Their Similar Lifestyles

Narcissists like to show off and make themselves look good. They will bond over their similar lifestyles because they handle things the same way. Not everyone has these shallow interests, so it’s nice for them to find someone who understands.

3. People Who Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder Idealize One Another

Both partners feed off the other’s ego and idealize the behavior. Even if they use one another, they bask in the false perfection of the relationship.

4. Narcissists Appreciate People Like Them

People enjoy others who are like them, and that’s accurate in this situation, too. They are attracted to people with similar qualities. If they think they’re the best, they will also view other narcissists as superior.

Self-absorbed people may not realize they are a narcissist, but they are. Because of this, they’ll attract another self-absorbed person. They find someone most like them, and then they fall in love.

5. They Think Jealousy is Romantic

Narcissistic personality disorder causes someone to get jealous, although it’s a toxic relationship trait. Since a self-absorbed person often experiences the feeling, they begin to view it as a romantic trait.

Most people think jealousy indicates possessiveness, control, and insecurity. Since most people don’t think it’s romantic, a self-absorbed person must turn to someone else who thinks jealousy is appropriate.

Jealousy shows that someone is unwilling to work for good things in life. They’ll appreciate someone with the same mindset because they won’t have to try.

6. They Want and Seek Instant Gratification

Narcissists want instant gratification, and they’ll do anything to get it. If they’re not with someone like them, they might have a partner telling them no.

They’ll look for someone who puts up with their lack of doing things that’ll offer beneficial results in the future. A self-absorbed person won’t do the work if it doesn’t pay off immediately.

When two narcissists come together, there’s no voice of reason. They’ll both want to receive instant gratification, and they can happily do it together. When one of them wants something, they’ll do what it takes to fill their yearned at the moment.

Sometimes their need for instant gratification shows in the way they want instant responses to text messages and phone calls. Another narcissist understands and will likely give in to make their partner happy.

7. They Both Have Feelings of Superiority

Both partners in this relationship harbor feeling of superiority. They love the other person because they see the same behaviors in them. The collaboration of being better than others gives them feelings of validation and makes them feel good about themselves.

They view themselves as a power couple and enjoy admiration and attention from others. No matter what’s going on behind the scenes, they can count on one another not to expose the flaws. They both want the relationship to seem perfect to outsiders.

8. Both Partners Who Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder Feel Entitled

Narcissists feel entitled and expect exceptional treatment even when it’s undeserved. They expect people to cater to them and appreciate it when their partner behaves the same way.

When both partners behave as if the world revolves around them, they’ll love to go out together. They’ll nitpick people and find even minor mistakes. While most people would be embarrassed when their partner acts entitled, another self-absorbed person will love it.

9. They Want to Get Noticed Together

Narcissists love compliments and having people talk about them because it means they got noticed. If they find someone else who thrives on this, they’ll fall in love quickly. They walk around thinking they look perfect together and embrace the feeling of getting noticed.

10. There’s No One to Hold Them Accountable

These people lack reliability and get annoyed when people expect more from them. They are great at saying what they will or can do but don’t follow through. Self-absorbed people break promises and don’t fulfill agreements.

They also tend to have commitment issues and disappear once they get what they want. Many people won’t put up with this behavior, and they’ll often call them out or end the relationship. However, other narcissists won’t mind, and they don’t hold their partners accountable.

11. People With NPD Don’t Have Anyone Else to Choose From

Narcissists will likely try to date caring partners before turning to someone like them. Once their caring partner recognizes the self-absorbed behavior, they won’t always stick around. If this happens too often, it’ll become common knowledge that a narcissist is a toxic person.

When people know they shouldn’t date a self-centered person, the narcissist doesn’t have many romantic partners to choose from. Their options become smaller as time goes on. Eventually, they’ll only have other self-absorbed people to choose from, leaving them to fall in love with another narcissist.

Even if they have other options, they might be afraid to try again. After being dumped because of their lies and manipulation, they’ll want someone who won’t mind. They gravitate toward someone like them so that they can continue their behavior without worry.

12. They Disregard Boundaries

Everyone is allowed to have boundaries, but narcissists ignore them. They don’t care if they make someone else uncomfortable. When they want to do something, they do it without regard to anyone around them.

These people often refuse to follow the rules, too. They don’t care about regulations and believe they can make their own rules.

You might notice that they cut in line, steal, ignore traffic rules, and break appointments. They don’t care how their behavior affects others or the environment.

They take pride in their behavior, and they’ll embrace someone who feels the same way. It’s easy for them to fall in love when they meet another self-absorbed person who disregards boundaries. Other people might correct them, but another narcissist will join in.

13. They Don’t Mind Being Used

Narcissists use their romantic partners, and many people won’t put up with it. However, other narcissists won’t mind being used because they’re getting something out of it, too. They don’t mind the emptiness or shallowness that accompanies the situation because they already feel it.

14. Narcissists Treat Others Similarly

A self-absorbed person doesn’t always treat other people very well. They put others down and belittle them as a way to feel better about their life. While some people won’t put up with it, other narcissists will. The couple might work together to mistreat others and bask in how it makes them feel.

This couple will work together to deplete others of self-esteem and self-confidence. They want to make people feel unworthy of good things in life. You’ll notice that they say negative things about people’s backgrounds to embarrass them or make them feel inferior.

What Happens in This Relationship Between Narcissists

Two narcissists often fall in love because they are so much alike. However, their bond tends to be emotionally toxic, and the relationship is turbulent. They aren’t likely to have a comforting or intense romance and will fight often.

This couple uses each other throughout the relationship and works together to harm others. They do whatever they can to achieve their goals, no matter who they hurt. Since they are self-absorbed, they’ll be selfish in all aspects, creating worsening conditions within the relationship.

One way to look at it is that two narcissists should fall in love. If they fall in love with one another, it can save an emotionally healthy person from falling into the trap. You can’t change a self-absorbed person, so it’s best to allow them to feed off one another instead.

Final Thoughts on Why Two Narcissists Often Fall in Love

Two narcissists can have a long-term relationship and sometimes even get married and stay together forever. However, it doesn’t always work that way, just like in any other relationship.

Their similarities make it possible for them to have a functional relationship because they understand one another. While you might not understand the situation, you can wish them the best and watch the relationship play out.

12 Reasons People-Pleasing Never Really Helps Anyone

July 13, 2022 by Sarah Barkley

People-pleasing involves doing whatever you can to make others happy, even when it interferes with your life. Being kind is a good trait. But it can cross the line to where you feel deplete your own self-worth. Pleasing others and putting their needs and wants before yours is can harm your well-being

Learning why people-pleasing doesn’t help anyone can help you overcome the situation. You might convince yourself that doing what others want makes life easier, but that’s not the case. It doesn’t help anyone involved and can cause more issues than you realize.

Being a people-pleaser won’t make your life better. It won’t help build friendships or relationships. Stay in control of your life, and don’t say yes to anything you don’t want to do.

Meeting people’s expectations might make you feel like avoiding conflict, gaining approval, and being a good person. However, these perks can backfire and worsen the situation.

Defining People-Pleasing and the Causes

People-pleasing occurs because people learn that doing what others want brings rewards. You get taught to put other people first, ignoring your needs and wants. This situation might work for a while but eventually creates conflict and negative feelings.

You’re a people-pleaser anytime you prioritize someone else’s needs instead of yours. Being viewed as helpful, kind, and agreeable seems like a good idea, but it creates problems. Studies show that you’ll struggle to advocate for yourself, leading to self-neglect and self-sacrifice.

A people-pleaser does whatever they can to make other people happy. They go out of their way, wasting time, energy, and resources, to make things happen for others.

It often happens due to insecurity and a lack of self-esteem. People-pleasers want people to like and appreciate them and think this is the only way to make it happen.

For other people, people-pleasing occurs as a way to feel validation. Another cause is that people-pleasers want everything to be perfect, including the feelings and thoughts of others.

Sometimes this situation occurs because of a personality trait called sociotropy. This trait makes you focus on pleasing others and earning approval. It can also be a symptom of mental health conditions, including the following:

Anxiety
Depression
Avoidant personality disorder
Borderline personality disorder
Codependency

Nineteen Signs of People-Pleasing

If you’re unsure if you’re a people-pleaser, there are some characteristics to watch for. Some signs include:

Not being able to say no
Feeling guilty when you do muster up the courage to say no
Being afraid that people will think you’re mean or selfish
Wanting people to like you and doing things to earn their approval
Frequent apologies
Being overly preoccupied with what people think
Experiencing low self-esteem
Agreeing to things you don’t want to
Taking the blame when the situation isn’t your fault
Neglecting your needs to take care of other people
Lacking free time because you fill your days with helping others
Pretending to agree with comments you feel differently about
Poor self-image
Needing to feel in control
Overachieving tendencies
Feeling unable to admit your feelings
Needing praise to feel valuable
Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness
Avoiding conflict at all costs

How Being Nice is Different from People-Pleasing

Sometimes you might confuse being friendly with pleasing others. Being nice includes doing things you want to do to help someone, return a favor, or feel good. If your reason for doing something nice differs, you might be trying to please others.

It’s people-pleasing if you only do something because you’re afraid someone won’t like you otherwise. Only do things because you want to, not because you feel the consequences will be dire otherwise.

Twelve Reasons Why People-Pleasing Doesn’t Help

Being kind and helpful isn’t bad, but crossing the line into people-pleasing is detrimental. If you are a people-pleaser, learning why it doesn’t help anyone gives you a chance to make a positive life change.

1. Pleasing Others Erodes Your Self-Worth

When you constantly try to make other people happy, it only hinders your sense of self-worth. You’ll be unhappy and pull yourself away from your goals and dreams. It also causes you to lose authenticity, meaning, and passion, further eroding your self-worth.

2. People-pleasing Weakens Relationships

Putting too much effort into meeting other people’s expectations harms your relationships. It can make you feel resentful of the same people you strive to help. People-pleasing can also make other people take your kindness for granted.

Sometimes the people you help don’t realize they are taking advantage of you. They know you’ll be there if they reach out and do it without thinking about your well-being. These issues can weaken your relationships and make you feel alone.

3. Creates a Lack of Willpower

When you use your energy making others happy, it leaves you with little willpower for personal endeavors. You won’t have the energy or determination to work on your goals. Plus, you’ll struggle to force yourself to do anything for yourself.

Experts indicate that your willpower is limited, and you can deplete it. You won’t have anything left to give yourself, and you’ll miss many opportunities and experiences.

4. Interferes with Healthy Boundaries

Doing everything to make other people happy makes it impossible to have healthy boundaries. You’ll keep quiet about uncomfortable things, jeopardizing your well-being to keep the peace. It makes it hard for you to speak up because you don’t want people to dislike you or feel bad.

5. Pleasing Others Eventually Causes Frustration or Anger

You might start wanting to help others, but it’ll eventually create frustration. When your desire to help turns to obligation, it’s easy to become angry. You’ll get mad that you’re being taken advantage of, but you won’t speak up or stop helping.

6. You Can’t Please Everyone

If you want to please people, you set yourself up for failure. You can’t meet another person’s needs; if you keep trying, you’ll feel defeated. Everyone is responsible for their happiness, and you can’t fulfill it for someone who doesn’t help themselves.

7. You Can’t Be Yourself When You Please Others

Using your energy to please others leads to being who you believe they want you to be. You don’t let others get to know you because you lack self-disclosure.

It also causes you to lose sight of who you are. Everyone in your life gets an edited version of you, hurting your ability to find people who care about you.

8. You Lose Focus

People-pleasing causes you to lose focus on the people and things that matter most. Pretending to be someone you’re not consuming so much energy that you might be unable to focus on your work. It interferes with all areas of your life, hindering your life progress.

9. Increases Negativity

Your self-control diminishes, making it harder to regulate your emotions and control your reactions. It can lead to aggressive or risky behavior and makes it hard to manage your time.

You’ll lack the ability to plan or organize, making you feel stressed and behind on your tasks. All of this negativity can lead to unhealthy eating and other detrimental habits.

10. People-pleasing Causes Stress and Anxiety

Spending all your time and energy making others happy can interfere with your mental health. You’ll experience stress and anxiety, which will only worsen if you continue your people-pleasing habits. Eventually, the overwhelming stress can lead to health consequences.

11. It’s a Form of Control

People-pleasing usually makes you think of someone who gives too much. However, it’s subconsciously a form of manipulation because you’re trying to gain something. You behave this way to get others to like you, controlling the other person and the situation.

12. Pleasing Others Might Have a Boomerang Effect, Making You Less Likeable

You can’t fool people forever, and they’ll eventually figure out that you’re not being authentic. They will know that you’re only trying to get them to like you, and your insecurities become clear. Once people recognize your dishonesty, they won’t like you as much.

How to Stop People-Pleasing

Now that you know people-pleasing doesn’t help, it’s time to make a change. You can stop prioritizing the needs of others and focus on yourself instead. Some of the ways you can stop include:

Establishing boundaries
Starting small by asserting yourself in minor situations
Setting goals
Prioritizing your life and well-being
Focusing on positive self-talk
Pausing before answering a request
Assessing whether a request is something you want to do
Avoiding excuses and focusing on honesty
Remembering that relationships and friendships should have reciprocation
Helping only when you want to
Recognizing when you’ve done too much
Practicing self-acceptance
Being authentic
Letting go of the past
Recognizing when someone is manipulating you or taking advantage

Final Thoughts on People-Pleasing

Being a people-pleaser complicates your life while interfering with your health and well-being. Find a way to stop people-pleasing so you can live a fulfilling and meaningful life. Remember that you can’t please everyone, so it’s best to prioritize yourself instead.

You deserve to live a good life and have your needs met. Don’t miss out on doing what’s best for you while caring for others. People-pleasing doesn’t help, so let go of the need to control the situation.

12 Causes of Nervous Laughter (and How to Fix It)

July 13, 2022 by Sarah Barkley

If you’ve ever been in a tense situation and have to hold back a laugh, it’s nervous laughter. You might also start smiling during inappropriate situations. It happens to many people, so rest assured you’re not the only one who experiences this sign of nervousness.

Nervous laughter occurs when you experience an emotion that doesn’t fit the situation. It can happen for many reasons, and knowing them can help you control the laughter. Many of the reasons are psychological, but there are some medical causes of the condition, too.

While nervous laughter might embarrass you, you can fix it. If you let it continue, it could interfere with your relationships or professional life. Look for these signs and make changes as necessary.

Twelve Causes of Nervous Laughter

There are quite a few causes of nervous laughter, and you might relate to a few of them. Think back a few times when it happened to you and see if you identify with any of these reasons.

1. Nervous Laughter Is a Defense Mechanism

Nervous laughter can be a defense mechanism for some people. It helps them overcome anxiety and gives them a sense of comfort. When you laugh, it’s a way of making yourself believe the situation isn’t as bad as it seems.

Joking about something terrible that happened is a way for you to confront past trauma. It helps you heal, but others don’t always see it that way. You also might laugh if you haven’t fully processed the situation because it makes you feel awkward.

2. Coping and Healing

Laughing at a funeral is similar to crying at weddings, although crying is more socially acceptable. It involves deep emotions, and your expression doesn’t always match how you feel inside.

Studies show that nervous laughter can occur in response to dramatic or life-changing experiences. When your body must respond to something like this, you don’t always handle it as you hope or expect. Your emotions can be unmanageable when you feel overwhelmed.

Laughter also helps distract you from the pain associated with a negative situation. You might laugh as a way to forget about the intense feelings for a few minutes.

3. Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA)

PBA occurs with brief moments of intense emotions that don’t match the situation. Other than these moments, your emotions and mood are appropriate, and you can usually control them.

While the episodes are usually brief, they can still cause embarrassment and anxiety. It can lead to social isolation and withdrawal, interfering with your ability to live your life.

4. Asperger’s Disorder or Autism

A 2021 study shows that parents of children with autism report inappropriate emotional expressions from their children. People with autism don’t read social cues well and may laugh at things that aren’t funny. They usually don’t realize it’s inappropriate, even when other people aren’t laughing.

5. Kuru

Kuru is a type of infectious disease belonging to the class of transmissible spongiform encephalopathies (TSEs). It involves clumped misshapen protein molecules called prions that accumulate in your brain tissue.

This disease damages your brain’s cerebellum, where you’ll find emotional processes. Once this area of your brain gets damaged, it can lead to inappropriate emotional responses.

6. Hyperthyroidism

When your thyroid gland produces too many hormones, it causes hyperthyroidism. The hormones manage your cellular energy use and metabolism and can lead to many issues, including nervous laughter.

7. Discomfort or Nervousness

People tend to laugh when they’re uncomfortable. This situation can occur anytime some experiences nervousness or when something happens that they don’t like. It can also occur after a scary moment as a way to ease the discomfort they just experienced.

8. Seeing Other People Laugh Can Cause Nervous Laughter

When you hear or see someone else laugh, it makes you want to laugh. This experience even occurs in inappropriate situations. If one person starts laughing, you might do it too, even if you don’t think anything is funny.

9. Graves’ Disease

If your immune system produces too many antibodies and they attach to thyroid cells, it causes Graves’ disease. When the cells reach the thyroid, it overstimulates it and causes too much hormone production. It affects your nervous system, leading to symptoms including nervous laughter.

10. Feeling Awkward Can Inflame the Nervousness

When you feel awkward, it’s easy to start overthinking your behavior and the situation. Without meaning to, you might laugh nervously as a way to diffuse the awkwardness. This situation often occurs when you’re getting to know someone new or when there’s an awkward silence.

11. Anxiety Can Trigger Nervous Laughter

Research shows that nervous laughter is a way to release negative energy associated with anxiety. It can help you calm down and ease nervousness or discomfort.

Another study shows that nervous laughter can help restore balance, even in a distressing situation. This research goes so far as to say that all laughter, including during funny situations, is a way to ease anxiety. It bridges gaps between people, helping you feel a connection to others.

12. Reassurance

Laughing during inappropriate situations could be a subconscious way to reassure yourself that everything is okay. It makes you and those around you feel like the situation isn’t a threat or something you should worry about.

If you’re unsure about a situation, you will likely laugh nervously. If others question something you’re doing, you might have the same reaction. The laughter isn’t always accurately depicting a harmless situation, though.

How to Fix Nervous Laughter

If your nervous laughter causes negative feelings, you can find a way to fix it. Some of the emotions you might experience include:

Weakness
Embarrassment
Guilt
Shame

When your nervous laughter occurs too often, it can cause issues in your life. People might avoid you if they think you find joy in bad situations. Or, it might hurt their feelings when you laugh at their hardship.

Other people might experience negative emotions from your laughter, too. They could feel awkward, confused, or critical about the behavior. To fix these issues and prevent the situation entirely, try some of these things:

Control Nervous Laughter by Doing Deep Breathing Exercises

These exercises help ease the anxiety that overstimulates your nervous system and brain. When you can relax, you’ll be less likely to laugh during inappropriate situations.

Meditation to Control Nervous Laughter

Quiet meditation can calm your mind and help you refocus. Rather than thinking about the things that stress you out, you’ll be more likely to focus on positivity. It promotes cognitive and emotional energy, allowing you to maintain your composure.

Music Therapy and Art Can Ease Nervousness

Creative activities consume your focus and stimulate your brain. You’ll be more aware of your behaviors and able to control them before the laughter erupts.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT can help you learn to stop your nervous laughter with conscious responses. As you become aware of things before you do them, you can stop them ahead of time. Then, you don’t even have to do damage control if you hurt someone’s feelings.

Treat Underlying Conditions That Cause Nervousness

If a medical condition causes your nervous laughter, you’ll want to treat it. Talk with a medical professional to discuss the best course of action.

Counting

Repeatedly counting to a specific number can help calm your nerves. Choose whichever number you want, and keep counting until you feel better. You can pair this method with breathing techniques for even more calming effects.

Improving Your Social Skills

Sometimes all it takes to ease your nervous laughter is improving your social skills. Focus on assertiveness so that you can handle difficult situations better. Learning to be empathetic can help so that you can connect with others on an emotional level.

Improving your social skills also requires socializing more often. When you don’t spend much time around others, it can make you feel nervous or awkward. Put yourself out there, spend more time talking to others, and you’ll become more comfortable.

Focus on the Person Speaking

Focus on the person you’re talking to rather than your thoughts. It helps you become less self-conscious, decreasing your risk of smiling or laughing. You’ll be more engaged in the conversation while forgetting about yourself for a while.

Use Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations can improve many areas of your life, including how you respond to situations. If you often laugh at inappropriate times, try using affirmations to help you overcome. Use “I am” statements to help you focus on the person you’re talking to and avoid laughing.

You might not be able to stop the behavior entirely, but you can limit the occurrence. It’ll be easier to respond more appropriately once you learn to control it.

Final Thoughts on Causes of Nervous Laughter (and How to Fix It)

You might feel embarrassed or anxious about your nervous laughter, even though it occurs as a way to reduce anxiety. While it might help a little, the repercussions of the laughter aren’t worth the slight reprieve.

However, don’t be embarrassed because many people experience nervous laughter. It can be a beneficial tool when coping, but it’s best if you can control the nervousness that causes the outburst.

The methods discussed work for many reasons, from distracting you from uncomfortable feelings to quieting your nervous system. They can also reduce tension and help you calm down and think clearer.

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