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3 Reasons Why Children Don’t Need a Perfect Mother, Just A Positive One

June 25, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Parenthood is a rewarding but exhausting experience. It comes with a mix of good times and bad, with various trials and tribulations. And all of that is exacerbated further by the pressure that moms face to be a perfect mother who gets everything right all the time!

But that pressure isn’t just unreasonable. It’s also detrimental to your health and the happiness of your children. The reality is that children don’t need a perfect mother, but they do need a positive one. Here’s why:

1. Why Mothers Feel The Pressure To Be Perfect

The myth of the perfect mother is an oppressive one, and it’s ever-present in most circles of our society. That myth puts a lot of pressure on mothers, often mom-shamed for minimal issues or even for total non-issues that other parents disagree with.

Why does this happen? Let’s unpack it. The concept of the perfect mother has its roots in the following complex, nuanced subjects:

· Black-and-White Thinking

We have a very binary way of looking at many things and people. This black-and-white thinking is detrimental to everyone who fixates on this scrutiny, and the gavel comes down very hard on many mothers. This damaging mindset dictates that you’re either a good or bad mother, and any imperfection puts you in the “bad” category. Of course, that’s not true at all – most parents are doing their best and are doing fine with their children despite any mistakes!

· Children Are Perceived As Always A Reflection Of Their Parents

Indeed, children are often a reflection of the parenting they receive sure. But, at the same time, they’re kids! They’re experimenting with boundaries, making mistakes, and making questionable decisions based on their limited capacity for critical thought. That’s what children do, and that’s okay! A good parent is there to correct and guide their children when they make those mistakes, not to pre-emptively stop all wrongdoing. And yet, a child acting out is often blamed on their mother, driving home the idea that mothers have to be both perfect and somehow prophetic to be good mothers.

· Parenting Responsibilities Are Not Equally Performed

Mothers are disproportionately expected to bear the brunt of all parenting responsibilities, even in dual-earning families where both parents work full time. Studies show that fathers often think that they’re doing equal work at home even when they’re not, and this extends to parenting. Mothers face more pressure by default and have to do more than fathers before they’re even perceived as doing their part. This also means that their mistakes and missteps are more likely to be seen as a huge problem, even when fathers make similar mistakes that get overlooked.

As you can probably tell, these topics, as nuanced as they are, all point to one thing: expecting perfection out of mothers is wrong and unreasonable. This is why children don’t need a perfect mother – because no one needs something that is that unreasonable!

2. How Striving to Be a Perfect Mother Is Bad For Parenting

The quest for perfection is almost universally bad across many contexts. Many people consider perfectionism a positive trait, but it isn’t. The concept of perfection itself is entirely unattainable, as there’s nothing that is truly 100% perfect. Human beings are inherently flawed, and even the most attentive mothers will make mistakes.

Worse still, many people base their goals for perfection on the perfection they perceive from others. You see someone doing a visibly perfect job and want to follow suit. But you don’t see their everyday lives, how they’ve covered any mistakes by using their strengths, and how they struggle before achieving their goals.

On the other hand, you see all of your flaws. You know all of your insecurities and are aware of every misstep you think you took in your daily activities. You know every moment of weakness and exhaustion and become your own worst critic. Essentially, your goals for perfection are wholly unreasonable and are often based on inaccurate comparisons to other people’s best presentations of themselves!

So, you know that perfection is not possible to achieve. But why is striving for it so bad for parenting? This is because:

· Trying to Be a Perfect Mother Ruins Your Confidence

The quest to become a perfect mother is doomed to fail, so your confidence is sapped away whenever you do “fail” in these attempts. The less confident you feel in your parenting, the more challenging parenting can become, and the worse your mental health gets.

· It Builds Excessive Stress When You Try to Be a Perfect Mother

When you try to be a perfect mother, you’re pouring time and effort into an impossible task. This can leave you completely exhausted and very stressed out. That fatigue and stress can cause you to give up on specific parenting tasks in favor of the easiest option, even if it’s ultimately the wrong choice for your kids.

· A Quest to Be a Perfect Mother Causes Resentment

Have you ever seen parents who resent their children? They say things like “I’ve fed and clothed you!” or “After everything I’ve done to give you the perfect childhood…” when angry at their child. These statements are harsh, unfair, and ridiculous, and they can dramatically hurt your relationship with your child if left unchecked. The tasks you’ve done as part of your parenting are your responsibility, but when you’ve overworked yourself in your quest for perfection, those tasks can morph into fuel for resentment against your child. Perfectionism has also been shown in studies to make parenting much less enjoyable for parents.

· It Makes You Focus On Other People More Than Your Child

Perfectionism is a comparison game a lot of the time. It may not be the case for you, but this is common in most individuals who strive for perfection. If it is the case for you, you’re paying much more attention to the thoughts and comments of others than to your child. Other people’s opinions can sully your ability to focus on your child’s unique needs. Your child may have different requirements or function differently than other children. After all, every kid is special. As such, the opinions of others can result in your child’s needs not getting met.

· Parenthood Is Not Predictable

You can’t predict what each day will be like. On some days, your child will be calm and eager to listen. On other days, they’ll throw a tantrum over the minor things. What worked one day may not work the next, and what they remembered yesterday may forget tomorrow. It’s never possible to be perfect, but it’s even less likely in such inconsistent contexts.

· Striving to Be a Perfect Mother Makes Each Lesson A Bad One

When you try to be a perfect mother, you perceive new knowledge from mistakes and lessons as proof of your failure. This can make it hard to accept these lessons, and you may resist them or become defensive instead of taking them as an opportunity to improve your child’s parenting.

· It Makes You Demand Things From Your Child

Because the myth of the perfect mother implies that every action your child performs reflects your parenting, you begin to demand things out of your child. It would be best if you behaved in the perfect way to reflect perfectly on yourself. This puts a lot of pressure on your child and can damage your relationship with them, giving them unhealthy coping mechanisms that will follow them as they grow up.

· Your Child Will Copy You

Children learn by example. If they see you beat yourself up over being “imperfect, ” they will do the same to themselves. They’ll view their flaws as shameful things that they must fix and will not forgive themselves for making mistakes, damaging their self-esteem. If Mom does it, they’ll do it too.

3. Why Children Need A Positive Mother

So, children don’t need a perfect mother – and, in reality, striving for perfection is inherently wrong for them. Instead, they need a positive mom who accepts them, is kind to herself and others, and is firm but reasonable. Positive parenting styles have the following benefits:

· A Positive Mother Creates A Growth Mindset

A cheerful mother will watch her children without judgment and focus on helping kids grow. When a child makes a mistake or is upset, a positive mother allows them to process the feeling and co-regulates because she isn’t trying to force perfection onto them. She turns terrible times into teachable moments. And when she makes mistakes, she apologizes for them and models growth and learning for her children. This creates a reasonable, realistic understanding of mistakes and growth that encourages children to be accountable for their mistakes and do better next time.

· It Ensures Their Needs Are Met

A positive mother does not focus on what others think of her and her children. She is more interested in meeting the needs of her children, even if they’re different from the needs of others. She doesn’t compare herself or her children with anyone else.

· A Positive Mom Builds Memories And Bonds

A positive mother does not focus on trying to control everything for perfection. She can exist in the moment, which elevates the quality time she spends with her children, and she appreciates the memories they make. She lets go of perfectionism to give her children the space to be themselves and bond with her.

· It Forms An Environment Of Acceptance

A positive mother doesn’t beat herself up for every flaw and error. She accepts her weaknesses and strives to improve while being kind to herself. She teaches her children that it’s okay to be flawed and that they don’t have to do everything perfectly to be worthy of love. In other words, she teaches them that what matters is growth and kindness, not perfection.

· It Gives Children The Space To Be Independent And Grow

Positive mothers don’t feel the need to control every situation excessively. They’re comfortable with their children making mistakes and learning from them. They don’t feel the need to hand-hold constantly, thus teaching their children the skills to be independent, as appropriate for their ages. Kids parented this way will be better at forming informed opinions, making their own decisions, and managing their lives as they grow into adults. Research shows they’ll be more resilient with positive parenting.

Final Thoughts on Some Reasons Why Children Don’t Need a Perfect Mother, But a Positive Mom

The pressure on moms to be the perfect mother all the time is immense, and it’s also unfair. Worse still, this kind of thinking can damage a child’s life and sour relationships between kids and parents. As a mother, all you have to do is focus on positivity and learning over getting it right. It’s better for your kids – and it’s better for you!

5 Life Lessons We Only Learn Through Grief

June 25, 2022 by Zane Landin

Anyone who’s experienced grief can attest it is one of the hardest things anyone can endure – whether expecting the loss or not. Some describe it as an incredibly dynamic assemblage of feelings where the bereaved face a wide range of emotions rather than just one. Depending on the circumstances and relationship, some people will feel sad, happy, nostalgic, angry, and even peaceful. It can be a significant hodgepodge. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone will feel differently since the person’s relationship with the deceased is personal and unique.

Even though it is not something necessarily meticulously thought about, when people encounter grief, they change and develop a degree of cathartic self-knowledge when someone passes away. Their death gives them an unfortunate revelation to reflect on the relationship, how it will change, and how the bereaved will move forward. It is an arduous, lifelong process, but here are some life lessons that you can learn from grief.

Life Lessons We Learn From Our Grief

1 – Appreciate Every Day You Have

When someone passes away, we enter a new reality without that person. It causes us to think deeply about what life is. Even though the phrase “life is short” is somewhat a cliche at this point, it is entirely accurate. People can easily take life for granted as it just passes them day by day. It is easy to do because we become swamped with other aspects of our life. When someone you are close with passes away, you learn how your life changes without them. You now must live your life without them. You experience constant reminders of what they brought you. Especially for those who’ve lost someone unexpectedly, life is not guaranteed tomorrow. Living life to the fullest is a critical philosophy and lesson learned from grief because it is entirely possible to lose someone instantly.

2 – Grief Proves How Change is Inevitable

The recent pandemic taught us to embrace uncertainty. From the unrelenting conditions people have had to live in, the number of people who have passed away, and the tension of a long-lived medical pandemic.

In general, throughout life, it is entirely normal to change. People often fear the process of change, but it is something that we must all embrace. How can the world progress if we don’t constantly challenge ourselves and each other? It is irrational to fear the unknown because it is inevitable. It is impossible to avoid change. The same goes for when someone passes away.

You may never be the same person again, and that is okay. You are now on a different wavelength. There is no reason to add the weight of the pressure of expecting yourself to stay the same. You may reach a stillness, a prolonged pause. Your perspective of life and death may significantly shift too. You may ponder the meaning of life and why death happens. Embrace your new self.

3 – Love the Ones Around You

The loss leaves a massive void in our hearts when someone passes away. The person who substantially shaped our identity is gone, so it will feel like a piece of our identity is missing. While we may never fill that void again, their death reminds us how important love is. For the people around you, take the time to love them because you never know when you won’t have them anymore. This doesn’t mean you won’t have difficult times with them moving forward but try to be more forgiving and loving. It can be incredibly hard, but as the first lesson, life is too short to focus on things that don’t matter in the long run.

We will all experience grief in our lives, and there are countless lessons that we can take away from this overwhelming process. These are essential lessons to think about before it happens, but they will be different for everyone.

4 – Grief Teaches Us That Vulnerability is Strength

When someone passes away, you learn a great deal about yourself. You might even surprise yourself with how emotionally resilient you are. You need to give yourself the space to experience everything for your healing. Don’t let anyone tell you how to process your emotions. Several societal and cultural messages have instilled in us to dismiss or ignore these emotions. Vulnerability has been seen for the longest time as a weakness, but it is a strength that allows us to heal, love, and support others.

Ignoring our emotions will leave us fragmented and can even further traumatize us. Strong feelings have been viewed as problematic, but truthfully, emotions contain such a rich value. It is difficult to express your feelings in public openly, but grief and mourning allow you to do so without repercussions. This should apply to every aspect of our lives. Vulnerability is valuable, and it makes us stronger and closer to the ones we care about. Appreciate your feelings, express them, and give other people the space to be vulnerable.

5 – Life is a Process

As mentioned in the beginning, we may feel grief in different waves. You never really know when those feelings will hit you. This cycle is very similar to how life works. This teaches us life is a process, and we should strive to appreciate the moments it brings. Life would be easier if we had control of everything. It will never be on a linear path. Things are constantly changing. For the well-being of people, it is helpful to accept the things we cannot change and act on what we can control, like the love we can share with the world.

It would be much easier if things were planned and determined, but we don’t have that luxury. The passing of someone shows that life is a process. Life is about experiencing the “moments of happiness” because those positive moments matter. Don’t focus on always trying to be okay and happy. Take it one day at a time. You will achieve more inner peace when you give yourself time and break away from those expectations.

Final Thoughts: Connecting Grief to Life Lessons

Everything connects because each lesson seamlessly overlaps with one another. Concluding, grief is very complex and hard to fully grasp until you have experienced it with someone you were close to. Unfortunately, it is something we will each face in our lives, and there are countless life lessons that we can learn from this overwhelming process. Everyone will learn something different, and these are essential lessons to think about before it happens.

3 Emotional Wounds Children With Abandonment Issues Carry Into Adulthood

June 25, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Are you often afraid of people leaving you? Do you need a lot of validation from those around you? Do you struggle with commitment, or are you too quick to commit? Any of these things can mean that you have abandonment issues.

Like many severe patterns that are harmful in adulthood, abandonment issues often have their roots in childhood. The environment you grow up in plays such a massive role in the person you become. Thus, unlearning what you learned as a kid can be very difficult.

But how does this work? How do seemingly unrelated issues you face as a child lead to toxic patterns when you grow up? Understanding why and how this happens can help you to overcome these hurdles. Here’s how childhood abandonment issues carry to adulthood.

1. How Children Develop Abandonment Issues

In an ideal situation, a child’s home environment is safe and secure, and their needs are met well by their parental figures. Sadly, this isn’t always the case. In fact, some kids do wind up in situations where they learn the concept of abandonment at an early age.

Very young children often don’t fully understand this concept, but they do know the negative feelings that they experience due to it. Their brains are aware that something is wrong and will put up protective measures on a subconscious level.

To survive this, children gain coping mechanisms that are often unhealthy to handle the abandonment they face. They may also develop a mental illness that dysregulates their capacity to process and manage emotions to stay sane.

Risk factors for abandonment fear in children include the following:

· Loss Of Parental Figures or Family Members

Children commonly feel abandonment when they lose parental figures or other loved ones in an unexpected or challenging way. This is frequently attributed to a parent leaving the family, but it can also occur due to loss through death. It may also happen when a sibling leaves home and cannot contact or maintain a relationship with the rest of the family.

· Death

In the same vein, the death of someone in a child’s life, such as a friend or figure they look up to, can lead to abandonment issues as the child struggles to understand that someone can be taken away suddenly for reasons beyond their comprehension.

· Neglect Can Cause Abandonment Issues

Often overlooked, child neglect is a form of abuse that involves a child’s needs being ignored. Dealing with that neglect can cause a child to feel unwanted or as though they cannot rely on anyone, triggering abandonment issues. There are many forms of neglect, and they don’t just involve insufficient basic needs. A child may be physically provided with food, clothing, entertainment, education, and physical safety but may not receive affection, which is still neglect.

· Any Other Form Of Abuse

All abuse can result in abandonment issues at any age. Children subjected to abuse can have numerous reasons to develop a fear of abandonment.

· Moving Constantly

Constantly moving from house to house and having to lose and make friends can always affect children negatively. They may have trouble investing emotionally in relationships or might develop an unhealthy understanding of the fleeting nature of relationships. This is also true for kids in the foster system who move often.

· Abandonment Issues Can Impact Poverty

Living without a lot of resources can cause the development of a scarcity mindset or the idea that there is a limited number of available things that must be hoarded or used sparingly. A child may be afraid that all items in their life are limited in this way.

· Stress

High-stress environments can create a lot of anxiety in children, exacerbating any usual fears and turning them into extreme ones. It certainly doesn’t help matters that many high-stress environments also do not meet other needs of children at the same time. This means that the stress makes an already bad situation much worse.

· Any Traumatic Events

Any traumatic event in a child’s life, including unpredictable and uncontrollable ones, can trigger abandonment issues. These events can include natural disasters, injuries, crimes, or anything that instills a fear that they will lose people or things they treasure.

2. How Abandonment Issues Manifest In Attachment Styles

We understand how childhood affects adulthood through several different psychological theories. The one that’s most relevant here is attachment theory. This theory explains that infants and young children are naturally attached to those they’re exposed to who are responsive in social situations with them. This usually refers to primary caregivers.

As they grow, kids begin to learn social actions from their interactions with their caregivers. They start to use their attachment figures as an example of how to explore interaction. The responses of these figures then shape children’s beliefs, thoughts, and expectations for their future relationships, say studies.

Many people who grow up in bad homes find themselves in bad relationships, often repeating the same patterns they experienced in childhood. It’s easy to see how abandonment issues become a part of a child’s attachment style as they grow. For example, if their caregivers are emotionally unavailable, the child will learn to interact with others, thus growing up to be emotionally detached.

Children who have abandonment issues develop insecure attachment styles that affect them as adults. These insecure attachment styles may be any of the researched techniques, which are:

· Avoidant Attachment

Adults with the avoidant attachment style do precisely what the style’s name suggests. They handle their abandonment issues by avoiding situations where someone could leave them. This means they’re often highly reluctant to get close to the people around them, fearing commitment and vulnerability. They may not trust others and prefer not to open up, become withdrawn or distant, and have trouble forming meaningful relationships.

· Anxious Attachment

Adults with the anxious attachment style cope with abandonment issues by developing highly codependent relationships. They become very needy and have trouble forming healthy relationships. They are very insecure and latch onto the people around them with intensity. Further, they often mask their emotions, viewing conflict and unusual behavior as signs that they will soon be abandoned. Essentially, because they fear abandonment, anxiously attached individuals need constant reassurance and validation that they aren’t being left, often with counterproductive results.

· Disorganized Attachment

The disorganized attachment style is also called fearful-avoidant attachment because it combines the struggles of both anxious and avoidant styles. Adults with this attachment style can struggle with empathy and vulnerability and may not feel comfortable with any form of intimacy. They can behave in erratic and unpredictable ways, acting “hot and cold” as they swing between anxious clinginess and fearful avoidance.

3. How Abandonment Issues Manifest In Adulthood Relationships

Your attachment style will determine precisely how your abandonment issues manifest, say studies. Here are some possible signs of abandonment issues that you may exhibit:

· Attachment To Toxic Relationships

Even when a relationship becomes toxic, you may not want to leave because you don’t want to lose the person you’re dating. Your abandonment issues mean that you’re terrified of being alone and would rather be miserable with someone than happier without them.

· Abandonment Issues Reveal an Excessive Need For Validation

You may constantly worry that the people around you will leave you. You may need or demand validation, often by urging partners or friends to make grand statements about their devotion to you. However, you may still not believe them and accuse them of lying. Or you may only be satisfied for a short time before needing validation again.

· Getting Very Attached Very Quickly

When you’re afraid of someone abandoning you, you may have an urge to grab onto someone you don’t want to lose and cling to them as hard as you can. You may come on too strong to those around you and profess love for people you’ve just met because you’re trying to prevent abandonment. Ironically, this usually pushes people away.

· Insecurity

You’re constantly worried that people will leave you. You think you’re not good enough for the people in your life. You become jealous very quickly and tend to compare yourself to other people in the lives of the people you love.

· Jumping From Relationship To Relationship

When you have abandonment issues, you might be afraid of intimacy and commitment. As a result, you avoid settling down for too long. The thought of someone knowing you so deeply frightens you, as you’re worried that the other person will leave you and leave you feeling hurt and alone. As such, you’d instead end the relationship first to avoid the pain of someone else ending it with you.

· People-Pleasing Behavior

To prevent people from leaving you, you may resort to excessive people-pleasing behavior. This will often occur at the expense of your health, time, and happiness, breeding resentment and damaging relationships further. This only furthers the cycle. It can even make you believe that you have to get better at people-pleasing each time another relationship falls apart because of it.

· Relationship Sabotage

When your feelings for a partner become very serious, you may become so afraid of losing them or them abandoning you that you sabotage the relationship. You’ll behave irrationally to push someone away and escape the relationship.

Final Thoughts on How Childhood Abandonment Issues Carry to Adulthood

Childhood abandonment issues are born from adverse environments where a child’s needs are not met. This can happen for various reasons, ranging from trauma from the loss of a loved one to severe abuse. These environments then set the stage for developing unhealthy attachment patterns that you bring with you into adulthood, manifesting in toxic and complex ways.

Abandonment issues can be complicated to overcome. But it is possible to recover from them and learn secure attachment styles. Professional help in the form of therapy is one of the best ways to work on fear of abandonment. On top of that, taking care of yourself and being kind to yourself is also an essential step in unlearning these harmful patterns. You’re not alone, and you can face, manage, and heal from abandonment issues!

3 Reasons Strong People Move on Without Closure

June 25, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Cognitive closure is a term referring to a social psychological concept. In essence, closure refers to one person’s desire for an answer or explanation that reduces or removes ambiguity from a scenario or thought. However, you likely heard about closure most when ending a relationship.

The former definition is a relatively scientific, expert-agreed definition.

But a sudden breakup with no concrete explanation can cause someone to seek out their former partner in hopes of understanding why the split occurred. It’s also a familiar concept for abuse survivors, who may want the satisfaction of speaking to their abusers one last time later in life.

But is this process necessary? It’s referred to as a “need.” The term “need” here mainly refers to the natural human desire to seek information. This type of motivation stems from survival. Humans want to know things concretely to learn and prepare for the future.

But the truth is that closure is not truly necessary for someone to move on. Some people learn that closure is meaningless and carry on with their lives. Some people are also simply not inclined to seek closure to begin with. Here’s the psychology behind why strong people won’t demand closure and will move on without you.

1. A High Need For Closure When Ending a Relationship Is Associated With Negative Traits

To some degree, it’s okay to want closure. But an extreme need for closure often arises from various negative traits. This desire is not necessarily about causation. Hinging everything on closure is born from difficult-rooted issues. Those issues are most likely to be present in those with specific traits from similar roots.

There’s an exciting study that covers this topic. It’s called “What the Need for Closure Scale measures and what it does not: Toward differentiating among related epistemic motives.”

Why Some People Do Not Require Resolution from a Former Partner

Here are some of the traits that people with a very high need for closure may also have and the possible reasons behind them:

They are more likely to make judgments based on stereotypes. This data may be because of their focus on collecting information for future use and prediction. The vast generalizations based on stereotypes are the data supply for future planning.
They are more likely to perform correspondence bias. This type of bias tends to draw unique conclusions about someone’s character based on actions that can quickly occur through generic, situational means. This may be the case because those who seek closure may try to find deeper explanations for everything they see.
They are more likely to become stuck in something they’re convinced of. If they have old information, they may be unable to assimilate new information to update their knowledge. However, this depends highly on the individual’s personality.
They are likely to make decisions based on the need for closure instead of good decision-making ability, says research. Their desire to receive closure will cause them to make rash decisions without properly thinking them through, all for closure!
They have trouble thinking creatively. The desire to know things and be aware of all information can prevent those with a high need for closure from being creative. They find themselves unable to think outside of the box because they need to know all details first.
They can struggle with cognitive complexity and critical thinking. The need to put things into boxes and get all information for an unambiguous answer can reduce their ability to consider nuance and gray areas in their quest for answers.

How This Informs Someone’s Strength

But what does this have to do with strength? Well, mentally strong people don’t usually let themselves adopt traits like this. They are likely to be more adaptable and open-minded and will try to avoid incorrect thought forms to make wiser and better decisions.

This is not to say that strong people never perform those traits! No one is perfect, and strength is about overcoming the worst effects of those traits, not eradicating them with a golden track record. Essentially, a strong person is more likely to realize that closure is not a good enough reason to compromise their wisdom and beliefs. They view ending a relationship as a chance to rise again, learn, and do better the next time.

2. True Closure Comes From Within

Closure often faces outward–on receiving a form of extrinsic validation in the form of a concrete answer from an external source. While this can be extremely helpful in some cases, such as in the event of an extenuating circumstance or tragedy, in most day-to-day applications, this isn’t the right way to seek closure.

It’s okay to desire external input and validation, of course, occasionally! But most forms of reassurance are best sought within yourself. Receiving much-desired closure will often not feel satisfying or sufficient, usually falling short of expectations and failing to click everything into place the way you’d like.

Genuine closure that puts you at peace with past circumstances can only come from within. This involves you personally accepting the ambiguity of a situation and making peace with that, allowing you to progress with your life.

Lack of Resolution from an Ex Does Not matter to a Resilient Person

It is easy to use a lack of closure as an excuse to remain stagnant in life. You stay within your comfort zone and get stuck because you rely on this external closure to propel you forward. But what if it doesn’t propel you at all? What if the closure is unsatisfying or doesn’t give you the expected answer? What if a resolution isn’t possible? Do you stay trapped forever?

What is it about this event that you need to hold onto? Do you have personal beliefs that support the concept of closure? There might be something that you fear will happen if you start moving forward without it. Are those fears valid and grounded in reality, or are they holding you back unnecessarily?

A strong person draws from their emotional resilience to move forward after ending a relationship. They focus internally and on intrinsic motivation. They don’t need closure from an external source, as they know it will not be as powerful as the closure they can give themselves.

Strong people also know that self-improvement is the best way to overcome pain. They will eventually no longer feel any desire for that closure, as mentioned above, by working on themselves.

3. An Acceptable Way To Request Closure If You’re Ending a Relationship

The keyword we’ve discussed here is “demand.” Asking for closure in itself isn’t always a bad thing. Even strong people may try to see if closure is possible before deciding to move on because they also believe it’s better to have tried than not tried at all! When received healthily, closure can be a beautiful and powerful thing. It’s a chance to learn and grow with new information and close and open life chapters.

What you need to do is to avoid hinging your every move on this closure. It would be best if you weren’t so focused on it that it becomes one of your biggest motivators. And you definitely shouldn’t pressure other people into giving you closure, even if they wronged you and, to some degree, perhaps owe you an explanation.

Ending a Relationship?

A strong person will request resolution in the following ways:

They will explain their interest in closure with open, honest communication and neutral language that focuses on their feelings, not on accusing the person they’re speaking to.
They will end their request with an open invitation for the other person to provide closure. In other words, they will put the onus on the other individual to respond after saying their piece. For example, they might say, “Please let me know when you’d be ready to discuss this.”
They don’t use pushy language or vague terms. They don’t coerce or guilt-trip the other party into providing closure. Instead, they understand the importance of being mature in this scenario.
They don’t get their hopes up too high, retaining realistic expectations of the most likely outcome and preparing for worse results than that. Instead, they know the difference between positivity and setting themselves up for disappointment.
If the person doesn’t respond, they allow the matter to drop and respect the person’s non-answer. They accept this outcome and understand that no answer is a great one. They also don’t take this too personally and focus on themselves, not wasting time on speculation.

What’s Next?

And if closure doesn’t come, strong people don’t necessarily entirely give up on it. However, they do move on with their lives. They may hope that some closure may come, but they stay realistic about that possibility. They trust that, in the end, the information that they need to know will find its way to them when they’re ready.

Final Thoughts on Why Strong People Won’t Demand Closure After Ending a Relationship

Strong people don’t demand closure and often don’t even seek it out casually. However, this is not to say that wanting closure makes one weak. Many victims of unfavorable circumstances and harmful perpetrators need closure because they were wrongly hurt. If that describes you, you’re not weak for wanting a solid resolution.

With that being said, the fact remains that hinging your desires on psychological closure isn’t a good idea. You’ll often be unable to gain the closure you seek, no matter how much you want it. Other times, the closure you eventually get may be anticlimactic, leaving you feeling underwhelmed and even more confused.

Even when a resolution is possible and feels satisfying, focusing your life on obtaining it will leave you feeling lost once you’ve received it. External, extrinsic sources of comfort like closure often don’t measure up to the benefits of personally obtaining your closure internally by moving on.

Finally, if someone in your life you wish would get closure from you, you might want that closure. Focus on moving on in your life and self-improvement, and you’ll soon wonder why you wanted that closure. Learning to leave behind the drive for closure is incredibly powerful and will make you a stronger person.

These 18 Things Happen When a Breakthrough Is About to Happen

June 24, 2022 by Chris Butler

Are you at a point when you instinctively know that change is on the horizon? Although you have countless achievements, you may feel like something is missing. Perhaps you’re ready for a personal breakthrough.

What is a Breakthrough?

Remember in math class when you were stumped on a problem? You picked your brain and tried different formulas. Then, suddenly, you figured out the solution, and it was a moment of triumph.

Although that’s a simplified example, going to the next spiritual level in your life can be exhilarating. You open a closed door and walk into a light you’ve always desired. You may even wonder why it took you so long.

For some people, the process of mental and spiritual maturity isn’t as complicated as it is for others. The good news is that the Universe always gives you signs to notice. You don’t always have to search for your destination like a scavenger hunt.

Eighteen Things That Happen Right Before a Breakthrough

How do you know if you’re ready to reach a new level in your life? Will you wake up one day and realize the change, or is it a process? Here are eighteen signs from the Universe that your breakthrough is coming.

1. Questioning Your Belief System May Indicate an Imminent Breakthrough

One of the classic signs of a personal breakthrough is when you doubt past beliefs and traditions. Like most people, you blindly accepted what your parents and other mentors taught you as truth. Maybe some of this indoctrination turned out to be toxic.

There comes a point when you’ll feel compelled to revisit your past beliefs. Do they benefit your well-being and make you want to be a better person? If not, it may be time to discard old beliefs and traditions that are toxic or no longer serving you.

2. Tightening Your Circle of People

Everyone has a circle of family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. Many of these relationships overlap, and they form your support system. Your broader circle is often a revolving door of closeness, distance, and drifting apart.

You may notice this circle getting tighter right before a breakthrough. It’s easier to recognize genuine friends from those there when they need you. Time is precious, and you reserve it for those who matter in your life.

3. Connecting With Those Who are Like-Minded

Remember the old saying about birds of a feather flocking together? It’s part of the law of attraction that says you attract whatever you place in the Universe. You’ll start drawing the right folks in your circle before you level up.

Some may be acquaintances, or they may be strangers. They often are in the same place in life and share many of your dreams. Perhaps you’ll meet someone who was meant to be your mentor for self-improvement.

4. You Notice an Unusual Sense of Calm Before a Breakthrough

Have you been struggling with a lot of issues in your life? When you’re on the verge of a breakthrough, calm overcomes your mind and spirit. Although you still have many questions, you have a peace you can’t explain.

Trusting the universe allows you to take a deep breath and “be.” You send out more positive affirmations and are ready to receive the same. Your stress and anxiety levels may decrease as feelings of well-being increase.

5. Expressing More Gratitude

Many areas of your life will level up right before a personal breakthrough. An article published by UC Berkeley states that gratitude helps promote self-improvement. Instead of taking things for granted, you learn to count your blessings.

Gratitude lifts your mood and tends to make you more optimistic. Such a mindset is fertile ground for cultivating new dreams. When you’re thankful for what you have, the Universe provides you with more beautiful gifts.

6. Offering More Forgiveness and Letting Go

If you’re ready for a spiritual breakthrough, it starts by letting go of the past. Think of your self-development as a journey. How far can you travel if you’re bogged down with unnecessary luggage?

Only when you decide to release the burdens of the past can you look for a better future. When you forgive others, you’re no longer smothered by bitterness. Often, you must learn to forgive yourself before your next life phase.

7. Understanding Your Boundaries Better

Setting healthy boundaries shows how you treat others and expect to be treated. If they aren’t clearly defined, it’s a recipe for a toxic relationship. In the process of a breakthrough, it may become easier for you to set and enforce boundaries.

8. Taking Responsibility for Your Joy

Your spiritual evolution teaches you many lessons, like taking responsibility for your joy. You no longer depend on people, achievements, or possessions to do it for you.

Soon, you re-evaluate activities in your daily life. If they don’t bring you joy, why keep doing them? You stop being a people pleaser and learn that it’s unnecessary for a fulfilling life.

9. Developing More Self-Confidence Is a Sign of a Breakthrough

Isn’t it fulfilling when you finally notice the breakthrough you need? If you can do this, what other challenges can you meet? Having faith in your abilities is one of the best self-help tools.

Are you contemplating going back to school or advancing in your career? Maybe you want to change your career path altogether. Having more confidence in yourself will let you take risks.

10. Searching for More Meaning

You may never know the meaning of life, but it’s a quest that keeps you motivated. Maybe your soul has felt stagnant, and you’re just running in circles. Trusting your intuition more and allowing your Higher Self to guide you may be the inspiration you need.

11. Accepting What You Can’t Change

It’s a healing breakthrough to realize that there are things in this world you can’t change. For some unknown reason, good and evil coexist, and you learn to accept them. However, this realization gives you the self-confidence to change things within your power.

12. Craving More Solitude May Reveal a Breakthrough

According to a study published by the National Library of Medicine, solitude can put you in a more positive mood. Those precious hours of alone time may help you become more resilient. Unlike loneliness, occasional solitude has positive benefits.

Many self-help guides recommend that you spend some time alone. You can use it to meditate, journal, or rest. Being alone with yourself can help you focus more on your inner voice.

13. Having More Vivid Dreams

Are you a person who usually remembers your dreams? When a positive life change is imminent, you may have more vivid dreams than usual. Some of these dreams may be related to the next step you’re about to take.

14. Becoming Less Materialistic

You won’t be as interested in “getting more.” While there’s nothing wrong with wanting fine things, they aren’t the emphasis of your life. You become more focused on things money can’t buy, like all your intangible blessings.

You’ll also be more generous with your time and resources. Perhaps you’ll volunteer for your local food pantry or another worthy cause. You realize your blessings, and you want to give back to others.

15. Spending More Time in Nature

If you ever need a breath of inspiration, all you need is to walk outside. Something magical about the sky, trees, flowers, and woodland creatures revitalizes your soul. The closer you are to a new level in life, the more you may seek these wonders of nature.

Try to walk outside every day in the woods or a park. It’s good exercise, and it will stimulate your mind. It may inspire some new goals you want to achieve.

16. Experiencing Serendipity More Often

Is everything up to time and chance, or do things happen for a reason? Spiritual breakthroughs usually accompany coincidences that can’t be explained. The Universe tells you that things are about to change for the good.

17. Struggling with Restlessness

The human spirit longs to be challenged and to discover new things. If not, you get bored and risk a negative mindset. Your current restlessness may signify that you’re ready to walk out of faith into your next adventure.

18. More Bursts of Creativity

Positive life changes charge you physically, mentally, and spiritually. The results are bursts of creativity that express what’s difficult to put into words. You may notice a lift in your problem-solving abilities and your creative outlets.

Final Thoughts on Things That Happen Before a Breakthrough

The more you trust your inner voice, the more sensitive you’ll be to signs from the Universe. Milestones of change and maturation often mark your journey of self-development. All you need to do is trust and walk through the open door.

Psychology Explains How Too Much Clutter Holds You Back

June 24, 2022 by Sarah Barkley

If you find comfort in obtaining items, you could be holding yourself back. Collecting items might seem like a sign of doing well, or it could be a sentimental habit. Either way, you’ll be surprised to learn that too much clutter interferes with your life.

As you fill your home with items you enjoy, it can quickly lead to the habit of saving other things, too. You might place things on a shelf, forgetting about them soon after. It eventually becomes owning many things you don’t even need or want.

Look around your home and see how many items you don’t need. You likely don’t have to go far to find at least a handful of things you don’t need. Psychologists explain that too much clutter holds you back, so you must get it under control immediately.

If you ever feel burdened by too much stuff, you might need to get rid of some. You might notice that your desk has piles of papers, and drawers are full of junk. If this is the case for you, you’ll benefit from getting rid of some of it.

Clutter Holds You Back in These Ten Ways

You might be surprised to hear that clutter holds you back, but psychologists reveal it’s true. Once you know how it happens, you’ll be ready to make a beneficial change in your life.

1 – Clutter Gives You More Commitment and Obligation

The more items you know, the more commitment and obligation you have. When you have too much stuff, it adds more responsibility to your already busy life. With less clutter, you can focus on what you want to spend your time doing.

2 – You’ll Feel Stuck

When you own lots of things, it’ll make you feel stuck. Eventually, you might feel trapped because so many things keep you where you are now.

3 – It Takes Time to Manage the Clutter

By obtaining fewer things, you free up your time. You’ll have less housework and upkeep, and you’ll experience less oversight. The more stuff you have, the more time you’ll spend cleaning, dusting, putting things away, and sorting.

Having too much stuff can also slow down your daily routine. It’ll take you longer to find things and prepare for the day.

4 – It Decreases Productivity

If you start your day frantically searching for things, it doesn’t set you up for productivity. Instead, it causes you to feel unfocused, even after getting to work. The decreased productivity worsens if your desk is cluttered, too.

You’ll get less done around the house, too. It’s hard to know where to start when you have so many things to handle and deal with. It’ll quickly become overwhelming, causing you to miss out on productivity.

5 – Clutter Might Prevent You from Socializing in Your Home

If you have too much stuff, it might prevent you from entertaining in your home. Whether you’re embarrassed or don’t have the space, it could hold you back from hosting get-togethers.

Once you declutter, you’ll be excited to host for the first time. You won’t have to hide your mess because it’s already gone, giving you a sense of lightness. Another bonus is that you won’t panic about unexpected visitors because your home is always ready for guests.

6 – It Makes It Harder to Relax

Clutter makes it hard for you to feel at ease in your home. You’ll see stacks of papers, overflowing baskets, and items strewn around. When you see these things, it is hard to enjoy your time.

7 – You Could Develop Health Problems

Too much clutter can interfere with your sleep, and research shows it leads to health complications. An untidy home can cause anxious thoughts that keep you awake at night. If your bedroom is cluttered, it can intensify those anxious thoughts as you lay in bed.

Additionally, clutter tends to collect dust, triggering allergies and asthma. Dust mites are a common reason for year-round symptoms. Minimizing how much stuff you have can drastically improve your health.

8 – It Wastes Money

When you have so much stuff lying around, you waste money. Things will go bad before you use them, resulting in buying new and waste products.

Plus, you must buy storage for everything you own. If you have too much stuff, you’ll constantly have to pay for more storage.

9 – It Can Interfere with Your Relationship

Living with a partner has its challenges, and too much clutter can be one. If your house is always untidy, it could cause tension in your relationship. It can also cause disagreements over the value and usefulness of the items.

10 – It Causes Stress and Disappointment

The unused items around your house constantly remind you of what you haven’t accomplished. These items remind you of failed goals, making you feel stressed and disappointed. There’s no reason to keep the items if you aren’t using them, so go ahead and remove them.

Nine Minimalist Tips for Eliminating Clutter

Knowing how clutter holds you back is only the first step. Next, you must learn to eliminate some of the stuff you own.

1 – Ask yourself if It’s Functional

If an item isn’t functional for your lifestyle, get rid of it. You don’t need to hold onto useless things in your life. Additionally, if an item isn’t functional because it doesn’t work, you can do without it.

2 – Eliminate Things That Don’t Reflect Who You Are

What you own should reflect who you are today, not who you used to be. If your items keep you rooted in the past, it’s time to eliminate them. Keep things that help you focus on where you’re heading next.

3 – Don’t Keep Clutter Out of Guilt or Obligation

You might hesitate to get rid of things if you feel obligated to keep them. The guilt you feel at the thought of parting with it might threaten to hold you back each time.

However, urge yourself to get it over with, and you’ll soon feel better about it. You’ll quickly forget about the item and the guilt after getting rid of it.

You might convince yourself that getting rid of your late relative’s things means you didn’t love them. That thought isn’t true, though, and you know it. Separate the person from their possession, and remember that the love is still within you.

4 – Separate Items That Clutter Your Space

As you tackle the clutter in your home, you’ll need a place to start. Focus on one room at a time, and separate everything into different categories.

Have a place for items you want to keep, sell, donate, recycle, or throw away. These categories give you a place to put everything, helping you start fresh in each room.

5 – Give Everything a Home

Minimalists believe every home item should have a purpose and a place. When everything has a home, you’ll know where to put it as you tidy up. Plus, you’ll be more likely to put it where it belongs right away rather than having it float around the home.

6 – Personally Define “Enough.”

No one else can tell you how much stuff is enough. This decision is yours to make, and it’ll help you determine how much you need to eliminate. When you define what enough means, you’ll start to think about the things that truly matter.

7 – Donate Clothes

You don’t wear every item in your closet, and now is a good time to part with some clothing. If something doesn’t fit you, don’t hang onto it hoping it will soon. Instead, donate it and only keep clothing that fits you right now.

If you have multiple similar items, donate those, too. You don’t need three black t-shirts; it’ll free up some closet space.

8 – Pretend You’re a First-Time Visitor as You Look Around Your Home

You get used to how your home looks and eventually stop paying attention. The next time you come home, pretend you’re a visitor walking through the door. Focus on your first impression of the home, including the cleanliness and how you feel about the organization.

Your first impression should be your starting point for decluttering. Tackle the things you noticed first, and then start the process again.

9 – Ask a Friend to Help

Having someone help, you will make the process easier. Ask the friend to suggest some items to get rid of, and keep an open mind about their choices. If you can’t give a good reason for keeping it, follow their advice and get rid of it.

Final Thoughts on How Too Much Clutter Holds You Back

Understanding how clutter holds you back can help you make the first step to reducing it. Once you make a change, you’ll notice an improvement in your life. There are many ways clutter holds you back, but you can make a change today.

Don’t waste any time starting your decluttering project. Use the advice here to help you get started, and then follow your intuition on the rest. It might be hard to get rid of things at first, but it’ll become easier as you see how free it makes you feel.

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