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10 Behaviors That Reveal Toxic Independence

June 21, 2022 by Kristen Butler

Your level of independence marks each stage of life. As a child, you learned to dress yourself and perform other skills your parents taught. Your education, skills, and ability to work independently were crucial to your job success.

While working well on your own is a desirable quality, it must be kept in proper perspective. Being too independent can be just as harmful as being too dependent. It can create a destructive mindset that affects all aspects of your life.

Past Trauma Connection and Toxic Independence

Some people are just naturally more independent than others. However, others may develop an extreme independent mindset because of past trauma. It becomes a coping mechanism against a repeat offense.

Consider those who grew up in unstable and abusive homes. They may have learned that they couldn’t depend on their parents from an early age. So, it was up to them to fend for themselves for food and other necessities.

It stands to reason that such traumatic events would make these strong people more prone to be ultra-independent. Even though they’re adults and their life is stable, they still have the loner mentality. They took care of themselves in the past, and they don’t need anybody now.

Another factor to consider is those recovering from a toxic and abusive relationship. If you can relate, you may still be lingering in the pain of the past. You build psychological walls to protect yourself from further abusive relationships as a survival response.

What Are the Traits That Reveal Toxic Independence?

An overly independent person may seem cold, distant, and even harsh on the surface. Their instance of caring for themselves can come across as selfish and arrogant. Yet, they are often afraid to allow you into their confidence for fear of hurt and rejection.

If you’re this person, you may be hiding incredible pain and vulnerability under your iron façade. You may overcompensate by doing everything on your own and pushing away others. If this mindset persists, you may develop issues that affect your entire well-being.

Ten Behaviors that Reveal Toxic Independence

How can you tell if you are independent enough to be healthy but still be a team player? If your loner confidence isn’t contributing to a meaningful and joyful life, it may be hurting you. Here are ten behaviors that may reveal that you’re too dependent on yourself.

1. You Have Great Difficulty Asking for Help

Perhaps you’ve depended on your abilities so long that asking for help seems like a fault. Strong people may accidentally snap at folks who even offer to give you a hand. When you’re incredibly independent, such a kind offer may seem like a slap to your ego.

2. You Prefer to Do Everything Yourself if You Struggle With Toxic Independence

If you struggle with hyper independence, friends and family may have stopped offering their assistance. They probably realize that it does no good and only aggravates you. Your motto may be that you must do things yourself if you want something done right.

A study explores the link between independence and self-esteem. Like many people, you get much satisfaction in doing things independently. While this can be a positive link, being overly independent can have adverse effects.

3. You Decide Everything Yourself

Making wise decisions about your life is part of healthy independence. It’s a significant sign of maturity that makes most parents proud. However, even strong people need some sage advice now and then.

If you are hyper-independent, you rarely ask for opinions and decide for yourself. You figure that nobody but you knows what’s best for your life. Some of your choices and decisions might have had a better outcome if you had asked for experienced counsel.

4. Delegating Tasks isn’t Your Thing

Whether at home or work, toxic independent folks have difficulty sharing responsibility. If this is you, notice how your anxiety peeks if you delegate tasks. When you are forced to share the workload, you probably micromanage everyone so much until you take over what they’re doing.

It’s not that you think everyone around you isn’t competent. You’ve grown so accustomed to bearing the entire burden that you’re afraid to share it. So, you’re overworked, and some of the projects could have deficiencies.

5. You Proudly Claim to be a Workaholic

It’s admirable to have an impeccable work ethic, and others know that you’re able and dependable. But if you have toxic independence, you may take your role too far. When your work and leisure time are unbalanced, all aspects of your life pay the price.

Maybe you can relate to a toxic independent fellow named Bob. Since he was a teenager, Bob worked in construction and auto mechanics. Although he regrets not finishing high school, he has a brilliant mind and worked his way up as a master diesel mechanic.

While he provided for his family over the years, his most significant source of pride was his workaholism. Over the years, he worked countless extra unpaid hours and used it for bragging rights. He was an excellent mechanic, and his favorite line was that he did it all himself.

They not only use workaholism as a measure of worth for themselves but also for everyone else. His conversations were peppered with self-adulations and a call for attention. In his eyes, nobody could do the job like him, and he was proud to show his humility.

After decades of overextending his body, Bob was forced into early retirement. His relationship with his family has always been strained because work came first. Now, he’s disabled and battles deep depression because his independent work always represents his self-worth.

6. You’re an Intensely Private Person

There’s a difference between being a private person and a recluse. Everyone deserves to relax in the peace and solitude of their own home. Also, many people are introverts and flourish with ample time alone.

Hyper independence often keeps people at arms’ length from others. You have your way of doing things and crave space. You may have difficulty with self-disclosure for fear of someone judging you unfairly.

7. You Dislike People You Consider Too Needy

Toxic independence does little to foster empathy for other people. Perhaps you conclude that if you can do it yourself, everyone else should. Consequently, you might equate people who ask for help as lazy and too needy.

On the other hand, you may jump to their rescue if it fulfills your need to be noticed as a strong person. Those who are too independent are prone to judge less competent people harshly. Soon, you may develop the attitude of blaming others for unfortunate circumstances beyond their control.

8. Toxic Independence Comes With a History of Personal Relationship Problems

According to one article, love and belonging are basic human needs. Even having a few past relationships that didn’t work out is better than none. Unfortunately, some broken and toxic relationships can create hyper-independence.

Have you walked from an abusive relationship and vowed never to fall in love again? Harboring pain from the past may keep you from enjoying a beautiful new relationship. Your fierce individualism can often sabotage your future happiness with someone.

You meet a delightful person at a party and immediately turn to ice and rebuff their sincere compliments. You may be sarcastic because you think they’re trying to control you. Later, you regret it because you didn’t give this person a chance.

9. You Often Take on Too Much Responsibility

People who are too independent habit of taking on more than they can handle. It’s part of the connection between their accomplishments and self-worth. Maybe it’s why you’re chronically exhausted and never have time for anything else.

At some point, you’re human, and you’ll make mistakes. That’s especially inevitable when you refuse to let others help. You take any flaws in the task as a personal indictment and take on even more jobs.

This negative whirlpool may also lead to toxic behaviors like shifting blame. If everyone had left you alone, there would’ve been no mistakes. You might blame personal shortcomings on others and shun their help even more.

10. You’re an Extreme Perfectionist and Self-Critical

Another red flag of hyper independence is extreme perfectionism. Unless you can complete a project to perfection, you won’t do it. The consequence is that you may often have a stack of projects that are left unfinished.

Perfectionism isn’t based on reality and will only result in perpetual disappointment. You may notice that you’re overly critical and demanding of yourself. It becomes a vicious cycle that only increases your anxiety and refusal of help.

Final Thoughts on Behaviors of Toxic Independence

You’ve earned the right to be proud of your abilities and achievements. These are tools that help you work efficiently on your own at home and work. Remember that there’s no shame in asking for help when needed.

What to Do When Being a People-Pleaser Doesn’t Work Anymore

June 21, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

eAre you a people-pleaser? People-pleasers are notorious for doing anything at all to try and make others feel happy or satisfied. On the surface, that can sound like a positive trait. After all, being compassionate, thoughtful, and a peacekeeper is usually a good thing. But people-pleasers take that much too far and jeopardize themselves and their relationships.

Many people-pleasers go to great lengths to help other people, to the point that they have difficulty saying “no.” This can leave them burned out and exhausted while making them a target for people who want to take advantage of them. Then, resentment will begin to grow as the people-pleaser realizes that very few people will do for them what they do for others. They feel unappreciated, and it makes them bitter.

If that sounds like you, you probably are a people-pleaser and might be getting pretty tired of it! The good news is that this is something you can change. You need to consider your own needs and desires because you deserve to be happy as others do! But how can you start? Here’s how to stop being a people-pleaser and put your needs first.

1. Start Small When Breaking the People-Pleaser Cycle

A lot of the advice we’ll be giving here today can seem daunting to someone who’s been a people-pleaser. That’s why it’s totally okay to start small, even if those small starts don’t give you the full boundaries that you’ll be working up to. This can help you to gain confidence in yourself, so you’re eventually able to put your foot down when and where you want to.

Some small steps you can take are as follows:

· Make A List Of Desired Boundaries

What are some boundaries you’d like to have in your life? Write them down. Then, pick a few to start to set, communicate, and reinforce. Once you can identify boundary-breaking peacekeeper behaviors related to those few, increase the boundaries that you enforce. You’ll likely find yourself adding and removing limitations as time goes on and you become more attuned to your needs.

· A People-pleaser Mus Practice Saying “No.”

“No” isn’t a word reserved for people asking something of you. It’s a word you’ll use when interacting with various people, including strangers you’ll never see again. Practice saying “no” in low-stakes circumstances. When you’re asked if you’d like to buy an add-on with your meal, instead of just saying “yes” to make things smoother, say “no.” When a telemarketer calls, don’t waste time hearing them out to let them down gently – say “no.” When an acquaintance you barely speak to asks you to lunch, say “no.”

· Try Offering Alternatives

The end goal of stopping people-pleasing behavior is to be able to say “no” and leave it at that. But if you need to start small, you can begin by trying “no, but” or “yes, but” instead. You offer alternatives that are more in line with your abilities. If someone asks if you can help cover their shift, say, “No, but I can ask (colleague’s name) if they’ll cover it for you.” When an acquaintance invites you to a party, say, “Yes, but I’ll be arriving late.” This allows you to ease yourself into the habit of turning people down.

2. A Recovering People-pleaser Should Respond Wisely To Requests

As a people-pleaser, your first instinct when confronted with a request from someone is likely to say yes. You’ll want to shift your schedule around and do things for others at the cost of your own time and energy. It can almost be an impulsive response – you hear someone ask, and you reply “yes” without even thinking!

This is why it’s so essential to respond wisely to requests. Here are some ways to handle this as a recovering peacekeeper:

· Stall For Time

Did you know that research shows that pausing before making a decision can optimize and improve your decision-making ability? People-pleasers can learn something from that science! Instead of saying “yes” right away, stall for time and take a pause. Tell the person that you’ll get back to them in an hour or another appropriate time that is reasonable for them and you. Then, use that time to consider if you want to do this if you have time or energy for it, and how stressed out you’ll become if you accept. Even taking a few moments to think it over can be enough to kick more rational thoughts into gear!

· Don’t Make Excuses

People-pleasers also often feel the need to step into the role of a peacekeeper. This means that you might feel the urge to come up with reasons and excuses for why you won’t be helping someone or doing things for them. Don’t blame other obligations and avoid explaining something at length. This will only give others the chance to poke holes in those excuses. It also creates a more defensive tone that sounds like you can be negotiated with. Use a powerful, firm voice and don’t elaborate or add unnecessary information. “No” is a complete sentence!

· Don’t Say That You “Can’t.”

The word “can’t” comes with many hidden implications that people can quickly pounce on. People who need a peacekeeper and are already pushing boundaries will not be deterred by the word “can’t.” They see it as a term that means you can be persuaded. If you can’t do it because you’re busy, they’ll tell you it’s just for a little while. If you say you can’t hang out with them, they’ll ask why and find a way to shoot down your reasons. Studies show that using “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” allows you to more easily exclude yourself from plans. It may sound harsh, but it’s necessary for boundary maintenance. “I don’t want to” always works better than “I can’t”!

· Don’t Apologize

People often apologize for being unable to do something, but is that always necessary? In many cases, it simply gives boundary-pushers the chance to use that apology as an admission of guilt, which they can then use to twist your arm. They know you are a natural peacekeeper who seeks to appease everyone. But you don’t owe anyone your time, effort, or energy, so why are you sorry for not being able to give it to them? Use your best judgment to determine when and where apologies are necessary, and stop handing them out freely!

3. Build Your Self-Esteem as You Shift Away from Your People-pleaser Role

People-pleasers often have trouble standing up for themselves. They may be unable to advocate for themselves and fall into dangerous patterns of self-neglect and unnecessary sacrifice. Why does this happen? A lot of the time, this comes from poor self-esteem.

Consider this. Many people-pleasers often experience sociotropy, according to research. Sociotropy is an excessive desire to earn external approval from others to ensure that relationships are maintained. In other words, you might feel that you have nothing to offer people in your life and have no choice but to do everything for them so they like you.

This is why building self-esteem is so crucial in stopping a people-pleasing habit. Here are some ways to start:

· Remind Yourself Of Your Worth (You Are More Than Just a Peacekeeper)

No matter what your inner critic says, remind yourself that you’re a valuable person who doesn’t need to prove your worth. At first, you may not believe yourself, so telling yourself this might feel silly. But, as time goes on, your brain will be trained by the repeated affirmation and will start to believe and internalize your true value.

· Detach Yourself From Others’ Opinions

This is easier said than done, but you have to face the truth: you can’t be everything to everyone. There will be people who don’t like you. There will be people who have no interest in you. You can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try. But you can please yourself. Focus on being the person that you can be proud of, not on being someone that others want.

· Be Your Own Best Friend Instead of a Peacekeeper Among Your Friends

Would you be happy if your best friend thought about themselves as you think about yourself? Probably not! The fact is that we, as human beings, are harder on ourselves than on everyone else. Start thinking of yourself as your own best friend and respond to yourself the way you’d react to those you love. This means being kind and patient to yourself while providing important reassurance when you feel low or insecure!

4. Determine Who Matters

There’s nothing wrong with doing things for people in your life, but you have to make sure you’re somewhat selective about who those people are. Healthy relationships with others involve a good amount of reciprocity and shouldn’t be you giving and others taking all of the time.

This is not to say that you should be calculative in your relationships. However, you should be aware of the fairness of your relationships. Are there people in your life who take and never give, who you always do things for but would never do those things for you? Those are people you likely don’t want in your life.

There will also be people who see your people-pleasing tendencies and seek to take advantage of your peacekeeper tendencies. They may manipulate you by guilt-tripping you or using non-stop, harassing persistence to get you to agree with their requests. These are people that you’ll need to cut out!

You may also find that some people in your life are unhappy with your changes to put your needs first and stop being a people-pleaser. No one who truly cares about and respects you will react negatively to normal, healthy boundaries, so keep that in mind as you thin your list of friends and acquaintances.

Ultimately, the goal is for you to only spend your time and energy on people who deserve that from you and would give you that commitment in return. This fosters healthier, more genuine relationships and keeps your kindness without you being a pushover.

Final Thoughts On How To Stop Being a People Pleaser and Peacekeeper and Put Your Needs First

Being a people-pleaser can have terrible effects on your life and mental health. It can cause a lot of stress and anger, lead to inauthentic relationships, and reduce your willpower and resilience over time. Worse still, pleasing others excessively often stems from deeper roots, like a lack of self-esteem, high insecurity, or past negative experiences and trauma.

It can be challenging to learn to stop pleasing others, but it’s far from impossible. It gets easier as time goes on. Finding ways to handle people’s requests in real life goes hand in hand with doing internal work to resolve the roots of your issues. It’s a difficult path, but it’s very much worth it for your mental health and improved relationships!

Maintaining your boundaries is crucial in stopping the negative cycle of being a people-pleaser. You are more than a mere peacekeeper among your friends. Keep utilizing these tips in putting your needs first and stopping the habit, and make sure that you enforce them with the people in your life! Remember that you deserve to be happy and have your needs met, too!

8 Things That Happen to Your Body If You’re Showering Too Often

June 20, 2022 by Chris Butler

There’s nothing more refreshing than a warm shower or luxurious bath. Your body is sparkling clean as all you wash your cares the drain. However, invigorating as it may feel, too much showering may be as problematic as not enough.

Brief History of Personal Hygiene

As human beings evolved, so did their concept of cleanliness. Naturally, people draw to water as a life-giving source. In the beginning, bathing and swimming were more of a pastime for cooling off after a hot day. The earliest humans noticed the calming effects of natural hot springs and showering under waterfalls.

Many ancient cultures created ritual baths for their spiritual traditions because of the connection with water and birth. Bathing and showering took on religious connotations rather than for hygienic reasons. The Ancient Babylonians and Chinese were the first to add essential oils and other perfumes to bathwater.

For these cultures, ritualistic bathing was a feat that could last for hours or even days. Such was usually reserved for royalty and other wealthy families. People filled large tubs with water heated over an open fire.

Water wasn’t always the liquid of choice for ancient bathing. The legendary beauty Cleopatra was noted for her love of luxurious milk baths. Others lavished themselves with aloes and other soothing ointments for their skin.

The Ancient Greeks and Romans made a social artform out of bathing. They constructed stunning public bathhouses where citizens could bathe and socialize. They also took advantage of natural waterfalls and hot springs for a relaxing soak.

From the Middle Ages to the Modern Era, most people had reservations about bathing. Indeed, many physicians warned that bathing was hazardous to people’s health too often. Many folks during these times rarely scrubbed in water more than once a week or so.

When indoor plumbing became more accessible, it was no longer necessary to pack water from wells or creeks. Indoor bathrooms with built-in tubs and hot water eventually changed the social paradigm to make daily bathing acceptable.

As indoor plumbing evolved into an essential part of daily life, the need for reliable maintenance and expert installations became crucial.

What once required effort and planning, like fetching water from wells, is now an expected convenience in every home. To keep these systems running smoothly, partnering with a skilled plumbing company is vital. From ensuring proper water pressure to preventing leaks and clogs, professional plumbers provide the essential services that keep households functioning efficiently.

Not only do plumbing professionals handle day-to-day maintenance, but they also play a pivotal role in upgrades and renovations. Their ability to adapt to modern innovations while maintaining classic plumbing standards makes them an invaluable resource for any homeowner looking to enhance their living space.

To ensure that such modern conveniences continue to function seamlessly, the expertise of a skilled plumbing contractor is indispensable. Here, The Otter Guys excel, offering comprehensive services to maintain and upgrade plumbing systems. Their experience ensures that every installation, from classic bathtubs to sophisticated shower systems, operates flawlessly, preserving the comfort and efficiency of modern indoor plumbing.

What Happens When You Bathe or Shower Too Often?

Sure, everyone wants to look, feel, and smell clean every day. With tubs and showers in your home, you have the option to bathe as often as you please. But can washing too often cause problems?

Have you noticed any changes in your skin or hair lately? Maybe you get itchier, and your hair is lackluster. Here are eight things that happen to your body when you shower too much.

1. Red and Irritated Skin

Bathing and showering will clean and hydrate your skin, but you can have too much of a good thing. Too many showers mixed with harsh soaps can irritate. You may notice patches of inflammation on your body that itch and burn.

This condition is a common consequence of showering in scalding hot water. An article published by Baylor College of Medicine warns that overly hot baths and showers can damage your skin. According to the report, it’s incredibly more damaging during the cold winter months.

2. Dry, Flaky Skin Can Come From Showering Too Frequently

As the largest organ in your body, your skin maintains a self-protective layer of natural oils. These oils keep your complexion properly hydrated, smooth, and elastic. They also block harmful bacteria and germs from entering your body.

Daily cleansing removes excess oil and microscopic grime on your skin’s surface. On the other hand, bathing too often can strip away these oils, leaving your complexion dry, flaky, and itchy.

3. Unusually Oily Hair

Likewise, your scalp produces a protective layer of oil to keep your hair silky smooth. Maybe you’re one of the many people who battle excessive oily hair and manage it with specially formulated shampoos. It would stand to reason that the more you washed your hair, the less grease buildup you’d have.

This reasoning isn’t entirely accurate, and excessive showering and bathing can cause the opposite effect. If you remove too much of these healthy oils, your scalp will go into overdrive and make too much oil. The consequences are that your hair may stay oily and cause skin breakouts.

4. Problems with Dry Scalp and Dandruff

Perhaps your scalp doesn’t produce enough oil, and it stays dry and irritated. You may use shampoos that boost hydration and minimize flaky dandruff. It’s learning the delicate balance of cleaning your hair and scalp while not overly drying them.

Excessive bathing and showering will only make your dry scalp worse. Another issue is if you wash your hair too much, you could be using too much shampoo. Instead of hydrating your scalp, the shampoo overdose can make your scalp drier, and you’ll continue to have dandruff.

5. Too-Often Showering Can Cause Chronic Itching

Isn’t it frustrating when you are itching and scratching all the time? Pruritus is the medical term for itching, explains an article published by The National Library of Medicine. According to the report, it can be an allergic or non-allergic reaction caused by many conditions.

Chronic itching can affect your quality of life and make you lose sleep. Too many showers may cause or exacerbate the condition. It’s especially true if you have sensitive skin or other dermatological issues.

6. Your Hair Color Fades Quicker With Frequent Showering

If you color your hair, you know how labor-intensive and expensive the process is. Even if you use hair dye from a department store and do it yourself, you want your money’s worth. Unfortunately, showering too often can fade your hair coloring before it’s time.

For most people, permanent hair dyes last six to eight weeks or about 28 washes. The untreated roots show as your hair grows out, and you need touch-ups. Temporary hair dyes that are so popular now only last about two to three shampoos.

If you shower and wash your hair every day, your hair dye could fade within a month. Not only will you have the cost of extra hair dye, but you’ll be treating your locks more often. That’s not healthy for your hair or your scalp.

7. Fewer Split Ends

Wouldn’t it be splendid if your mane was always shiny and smooth? It just doesn’t work like that in the real world. Caring for your hair requires time, patience, and proper maintenance.

Showering can often sabotage your efforts, and you’ll notice that your lovely locks become a mess. The excess water and shampoo zap away healthy oils and leave your hair looking depleted and dry. Plus, you can develop more split ends and hair breakage.

8. Showering May Upset the Balance of Beneficial Microbes on Your Body

You’d be amazed if you could see the microscopic menagerie that lives on your skin. Most of these minuscule florae and fauna are harmless, and some are even beneficial. Excessive bathing and showering can mess with this delicate balance and contribute to several health issues.

If you scrub with antibacterial soap, you may not be doing yourself any favors. These products will zap the most harmful viruses and bacteria lingering on your body. However, they can also destroy beneficial microbes that protect you, especially when often showering.

Seven Healthy Tips for Bathing or Showering

Here are some tips to help you bathe without stripping your skin of natural oils and causing excessive damage.

1. Use Warm Water When Showering

Hot, steamy showers may feel exhilarating for the moment but can damage your skin in the long run. Instead, bathe or shower in warm water. You’ll get the same effect without stripping your skin and hair of natural oils.

2. Make Showering Quick

Occasional long soaks in the tub are suitable for your body and nerves. However, it’s nothing you want to do every day. When you shower, try not to stay in the water for over 10 minutes.

3. Every Other Day

Some people have medical conditions or occupations that require daily baths or showers. However, you may get it by bathing and washing your hair every other day. Just freshen up a bit at the sink on your off days.

4. Use the Right Type of Soap

Many soaps have harsh detergents and scents that can irritate sensitive skin. Choose a soap that is gentle and contains moisturizers. Don’t use regular soap on your face, but rather a facial soap.

5. Tender Loving Care

Use soft, fluffy, and clean washcloths and towels, and use them gently. Rough scrubbing can damage your skin. Pat your skin dry with a towel instead of rubbing it.

6. Use Moisturizers After Showering

Apply a rich moisturizer as soon as you step out of the tub or shower. It will absorb into your open pores and hydrate your skin. Only use a moisturizer on your face that is formulated for this area.

7. Use Clean Supplies

Loofahs, sponges, and poufs are excellent tools for gently exfoliating your skin during a bath or shower. However, they can harbor bacteria and mildew if they stay damp. Sanitize them in your washer or replace them as needed.

Final Thoughts on the Effects of Showering Too Frequently

You need to keep your body clean for self-respect and optimal health. But bathing and showering too often may have adverse effects on your skin. When you tailor your hygiene to your needs, you’ll maintain a healthy glow and feel good about yourself.

Psychology Explains Why It’s So Difficult to Heal After a Breakup

June 20, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

A breakup can be devastating or unexpected. It may be a long time coming and for the best. You may feel relieved or betrayed in its wake. But, regardless of the context surrounding a breakup, one thing is constant: it hurts, and it’s hard to heal from. Psychology explains why it’s so difficult to recover after a breakup.

1. You’ve Lost Your Primary Source Of Support in the Breakup

In a healthy relationship, you have multiple sources of emotional support in your life. That support system will be instrumental in your journey to healing from a breakup and can make the trip easier.

But, even then, few can deny that their most significant source of support is their partner. After all, in most committed, serious relationships, you spend most of your time with your partner, especially if you live with them or spend much time in each other’s home.

When you break up with someone, you lose their support just as you enter a challenging period in your life. This entire time, you’ve been able to come to that person for support and love when needed. And now that you’re nursing a broken heart, they’re out of the picture, and you can’t go to them anymore!

If you’ve gotten used to your former partner’s undying support, you’ll now feel even more vulnerable without it. This can make things feel even more raw and painful as you struggle to pick something up. Sure, you’ll have external support from other loved ones in your life, but the vulnerability you shared with your partner will likely be the kind of support you missed most.

On top of that, less healthy relationships may have an unhealthy attachment, causing you to rely too much on your partner for your happiness and emotional health. This can make healing even more difficult. The breakup could have removed your only source of support or the person who acted as your coping mechanism.

In the case of less healthy relationships, it’s ultimately a good thing for a breakup to happen. However, the harmful patterns developed in that relationship can further worsen your attempts to get better, as your overreliance on a former partner makes you unable to regulate how you feel.

2. The Breakup Calls Your Identity Into Question

Relationships change your perception of yourself. You go from being one single individual to being someone who is actively planning a life with someone else. You share your world with them, and they share their world with you, and in the process, you absorb a little bit of each other. Your psychological boundaries blur slightly, and you merge in many ways. This happens because you do these things:

Experience new things together, thus shaping future thoughts and ideas based on shared experiences.
Develop inside jokes and knowledge that only both of you share.
Are vulnerable and open with each other, talking about difficult things that you may not share with anyone else.
Ask for the other person’s opinions; even when you disagree with them, you gain information on their perspective.
Hear and exist in a world where your partner dictates as much as you do, compromising and hearing their ideas and beliefs throughout the day.
Find things that are “yours” to do. Hobbies that you do together, something that you both enjoy and other little rituals that make your relationship unique and have sentimental value.
Try things that you would never have tried if not for your partner.

It certainly doesn’t help that in many relationships, people overdo this and become “one unit” instead of two separate but committed whole people in a partnership. In dynamics like this, that togetherness becomes unhealthy, and you lose some sense of your identity and who you are in the process.

Regaining Your Individuality

But even the healthiest relationships, where both partners maintain their individuality healthily and robustly, experience this. You can’t help it! Studies show that partners start to think of things in standard terms, considering what “we” want and what’s best for “us.” In most cases, when done in the right amount, this is perfectly fine and is often essential for long-term, serious relationships.

But when relationships end, the identity you’ve developed as part of those partnerships begins to erode. According to research, you start questioning yourself in the weeks following a breakup and may lose sight of your identity. You might wonder if you love the hobbies you got into with your ex-partner. Or you question if you were only participating for the sake of the relationship. You might ask yourself if you genuinely believe in the ideals you developed based on your ex-partner’s ideas and opinions or if your love for them swayed you.

This can leave you feeling lost and depressed, and your identity’s confusion can hurt. It may take months before you’re more sure of your identity once more, and the time you spend unsure may cause a lot of negative thinking and declining well-being. This is one of the biggest reasons healing after a breakup can be painful.

3. Your Body Knows Something Is Different After a Breakup

When you’ve been dating someone for a decent time, your body adapts and adjusts to their presence. Your whole biological rhythm changes say studies, and your partner becomes a part of the systems your body recognizes as a constant.

Think of it similarly to good sleep hygiene and how your body knows it’s time to sleep. When you go to sleep at different times, and in unstable environments, you have a more challenging time falling asleep. But when you maintain a consistent sleep schedule and have a habitual winding-down routine before bed, you get sleepy at the correct times and wake up more quickly.

Having a long-term partner, especially one you live with, is like having a consistent sleep schedule. Like with all consistent things in your life, they become a part of your body’s daily routine. This keeps you grounded and helps you navigate life evenly. On top of that, your partner’s daily routine likely plays a part in signaling yours.

Physical Symptoms After a Relationship Ends:

For example, you may:

Wake up as they make coffee in the kitchen
Automatically make two servings of everything you cook or make
Get hungry just as they get home from work
Feel thirsty when you hear your partner pouring a drink because you know they’re making one for you too
Become naturally sleepy when you lie next to them as they read in bed
Feel a little more energized when your partner is with you
Have a bath earlier than you did when you were single so your partner can use the shower after you
Stop eating late-night snacks so you can go to bed earlier at the same time as your partner
Become less stressed out when you get home from work thanks to a hug from your partner

In a breakup, a massive part of your routine life vanishes quickly and suddenly, and everything you regulated as part of your life with your partner is no longer present. At the same time, you are filled with negative emotions surrounding the breakup, making it harder to adjust to the dramatically shifting routine.

Breakups hurt because there’s so much you have to change about your life and adapt to. Of course, all of that is in addition to an already bad emotional state. You must change your routine so you wake up earlier to make coffee. You have trouble sleeping because your former partner isn’t there to signal bedtime with their routine. You’ll no longer have something that helps you de-stress from work. You catch yourself cooking two servings of food without thinking about it.

It certainly doesn’t help that all these changes to your routine are evident and palpable, so you’re constantly reminded by your partner in all aspects. Both the physical changes and emotional pain take a further toll on your physical health as your body struggles to adapt. No wonder a breakup is so hard to heal from!

4. Your Future Plans Change

In committed relationships, your plans begin to shape with your partner’s inclusion. Even newly committed relationships involve some degree of this; you may plan to attend an event later that year with your partner.

But in long-term, long-lived relationships, this extends to substantial life changes. You decide what city you want to live in, how many kids you want to have, and what your life will look like in the next five or even ten years. Those thoughts no longer apply; you must remove them from your plans. You may even have shared assets you thought you could rely on, and now you may have to give them up.

And, of course, even the most balanced relationships must involve compromise and some degree of sacrifice. Maybe you gave up living in your dream city because you knew you’d have a better life with your partner’s job in a different town. Now, you might regret that decision. And that gets worse in unbalanced or unhealthy relationships – maybe you’ve always reached the short end of the stick, giving up on your future wants for your partner.

It’s reasonable to be anxious about the future even when your relationship is entirely secure and healthy and you have everything planned well. So, naturally, anxiety peaks even further when all of that gets called into question, and you’re left floundering with an uncertain future after a breakup. Healing is difficult after a breakup because you must confront the reality that your envisioned future may be completely different now.

Final Thoughts on Some Reasons Why It’s Difficult to Heal After a Breakup

Healing after a breakup is difficult and painful, but it’s not impossible. You can and will heal. Whether you want to date again in the future or not doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you’ll feel okay again, and it won’t hurt anymore. Hold onto the knowledge that things will be OK, and you will find recovery waiting for you in the future.

Kind Man Helps An Autistic Child Recover From A Meltdown

June 20, 2022 by Kristen Lawrence

When an autistic child got overwhelmed and had a meltdown, a kind soul stepped in to help. Not all heroes wear capes; sometimes, saving the day looks like calming down an anxious child. Children with autism often experience anxiety and get triggered by certain situations. While we may not totally understand, we can still offer support to those who experience life differently than us.

That’s exactly what a man named Ian did when he crossed paths with a 5-year-old autistic child one day. His mom Natalie Fernando had taken him for a walk by the sea in Essex, England, one afternoon. Her autistic son Rudy, also known adorably as “Roo,” unexpectedly had a meltdown during their seaside stroll.

“My son loves to walk, but he hates to turn around and walk back, we usually try to walk in a circuit to avoid this but on his favorite walk with the boats, we have no choice but to turn back, this will often lead to a meltdown, one which I can normally handle but on the back of 2 weeks out of school today was too much for him and me,” his mom explained on her personal Facebook blog, Better to Be Different.

Many people enjoy a relaxing walk at the promenade at Southend Sea Front, as it offers an amazing waterfront view and the convenience of a jet ski dock nearby, making it easy for enthusiasts to access and enjoy water sports. While many people passed by Natalie and Roo that day, only one person reached out their hand to help. Natalie said that before Ian showed up, she and her son were met with disapproving stares from strangers watching the scene unfold.

She tried to calm Roo down, but parenting an autistic child comes with its own set of challenges. Natalie says that talking him down during a tantrum isn’t always easy.

How Ian helped Roo calm down during the afternoon walk

Natalie said in the recent post:

“Only minutes before Rudy and I were being tutted at, stared at and frowned at by a woman and a man with a 2-year-old in a [stroller] trying to sleep despite me apologising for my sons loud noises, hence the walk along the sea front so I can let him express himself outdoors. Short from gagging him, I’m not sure of an alternative.”

Exasperated and at her wits’ end, Natalie didn’t know what to do next. Her son’s outburst drew a lot of unwanted attention, but calming down the autistic child seemed out of the question. The moment when Natalie started to lose hope, Ian showed up to save the day.

The man had been running along the walkway by the sea when he noticed Rudy. When he passed by, the boy was lying on the ground and looked upset. So, naturally, Ian wanted to see how he could be of assistance. Of course, he assumed that Roo was having a tantrum like most other young children.

To ease the tension, Ian asked Roo his name and tried engaging him in conversation. That’s when Natalie explained that he had autism and didn’t really comprehend what he was saying. However, when she explained her autistic child’s struggles which made the portion of the walk difficult, it didn’t deter Ian. He said, “That’s cool; I’ll lay down with him.”

So, he started to talk with Rudy while lying down on the sidewalk, just trying to ease the boy’s anxiety. After Rudy calmed down, Ian offered to walk Roo and his mom back to their car. This kind gesture totally turned their day around and showed that a little understanding and compassion could go a long way.

Natalie was so grateful for Ian’s kindness that she made a Facebook post about it.

On her personal Facebook blog page, Natalie expressed her gratitude for Ian showing up at exactly the right time. She titled the post: “This Man, A Total Stranger.”

“This man, a total stranger, saved me today from either a meltdown lasting up to an hour or more or the alternative, which is usually a bit of a beating from my boy who totally loses himself when he has a meltdown and can become very aggressive.”

Natalie further explained:

“This man, a total stranger, took time out of his day to just chat and ask if I was ok. This man, a total stranger, was my hero this morning…after laying with Roo [he] then walked Rudy and I all the way back to our car. I wish there were more of this man around and I am beyond thankful.”

Natalie said she will never forget Ian’s kindness and hopes others can learn from his example. As a mom of an autistic child, she believes it’s important to empathize with others instead of passing unnecessary judgments.

She wrote the following on her page: “It said a lot at the moment, ‘in a world where you can be anything be kind.’ Words are easy, these actions are not always so easy. This man is living the words, and I couldn’t be more grateful.”

She added: “If you see a parent struggling, maybe take the time to say, ‘Are you ok?’ Don’t judge the parenting. Try not to judge the child. Just be kind. We’re all walking our own path and navigating the journey the best we can, sometimes it takes a moment of kindness from a stranger to completely change your day. Thanks Ian from Southend Sea Front. You truly are a kind man.”

Final thoughts on the kind man who helped an autistic child through a difficult moment

Ian met Rudy and his mom Natalie while walking seaside in Essex, England, one afternoon. After noticing Rudy having a meltdown, he quickly stepped in to see how he could help. He introduced himself to “Roo,” and after Natalie mentioned his autism, Ian seemed to know exactly what to do.

He laid down near Rudy on the ground and chatted with him. The kind gesture appeared to calm him down considerably. After ensuring Rudy was okay, Ian walked both him and his mom back to their car. Sometimes, it’s a kind stranger who comes to the rescue when you least expect it.

Nigerians Build Earthquake-Proof Homes from Plastic Bottles

June 20, 2022 by Kristen Lawrence

With all the plastic waste in our world, some people have decided to repurpose it into something amazing. In Nigeria, companies have begun using plastic bottles to build homes. Called “bottle brick” technology, the building materials can easily withstand powerful earthquakes.

Nigeria’s first home constructed from recycled plastic bottles sits in the village of Yelwa. It became so popular that tourists come from all over to see it. Government officials and traditional leaders from Nigeria also visit to see the unique structure.

Trader Nuhu Dangote traveled from the state capital, Kaduna, to witness the architectural masterpiece firsthand. He couldn’t believe it was built using only plastic bottles and mud. Once he saw it, he told everyone he knew to visit the eco-friendly home.

You might not think that plastic bottles would look aesthetically pleasing, but they’re surprisingly beautiful. The round bottoms of the bottles face outside the home, so it produces an eye-catching design. The bottles get packed with sand and then placed on their side. Next, they stack the “bricks” on top of each other and “glue” them together using mud.

In northern Nigeria, homes are typically built in a round, rather than square, fashion. These plastic bottle homes were developed to keep the traditional look alive. While the homes look beautiful, the developers built them with the environment as first priority.

Since then, companies expanded their production and built twenty-five structures on the land. A Greek businessman and environmentalist donated money for the project. Hopefully, plastic bottle homes like these will become commonplace in the future.

Each of these homes comes equipped with a bedroom, living room, bathroom, toilet and kitchen. Approximately 7,800 plastic bottles are used in production.

The plastic bottle homes provide affordable, safe housing for millions

The “bottle brick” technology began nine years ago in India, South America and Central America. The homes provide people with an affordable, eco-friendly option, as traditional brick homes are quite expensive. Yahaya Ahmed of Nigeria’s Development Association for Renewable Energies, says plastic bottle houses cost 67% less than a home built from concrete and brick.

Not to mention, houses made of plastic bottles have the upper hand regarding durability and safety. He went on to say that compacted sand inside a bottle has twenty times the strength of bricks. His company even plans on building a three-story building with the technology.

The bottle houses also help insulate the living space from the intense Nigerian climate. The sand helps block the sun’s heat, which keeps temperatures comfortable indoors. Plus, the compact sand makes the structure bulletproof, improving the home’s safety. In high-crime areas of northern Nigeria, the durable structure gives residents peace of mind.

The company first lays a firm concrete foundation to create a stable structure. Builders use a sieve to sift the sand for the walls to make them compact. This process removes stones from the sand to pass through the bottles’ mouths.

While many people have expressed their excitement about the bottled brick homes, not everyone shares the sentiment. Some people feel that the increased demand for sand will make it too expensive.

Mumuni Oladele, a mason in the southern Lagos, already sees a problem with the building method. He often sees companies digging everywhere for sand to build houses. He believes that’s just a glimpse of the future, as the demand for affordable homes increases.

Despite the concerns, it seems the benefits far outweigh the costs.

The plastic bottle homes give people jobs and remove discarded plastic from the environment

In the state capital of Kaduna, the building project gives children a way to earn money for the future. Whether they’re unemployed or not in school, children can find purpose and meaning in helping to build the homes. 15-year-old Shehu Usman, who works on the site, says he enjoys both working and earning an income. He hopes to have a plastic bottle at home when he grows up, too.

After the 25 homes have been completed, the Development Association for Renewable Energies will begin working on a school. It will also be built on the estate and give street children like Shehu an opportunity to attend.

In addition to the schooling and job opportunities, the project obviously does wonders for the environment. Plastic pollution in developing countries like Nigeria is a growing problem. Unlike first-world countries like the US, they lack adequate recycling centers and waste management. As a result, plastic piles up, lining the main streets and alleyways.

According to market research company Zenith International data, most water is sold in small plastic bags in Nigeria. However, the bottled water market continues to grow, and accounts for 20-25% of sales. This equates to around 500m liters of water per year.

Then, the discarded plastic bottles often end up in the environment. However, street vendors sometimes collect them to sell products such as peanuts. Other citizens utilize them for storage. With the plastic bottle homes project, there’s now a huge demand for these bottles.

The developers have gone to hotels, restaurants, homes, and foreign embassies asking for extra plastic bottles. This way, the consumer puts waste products to good use, and it doesn’t pollute the environment or waterways.

Final thoughts on the homes built from plastic bottles in Nigeria

Who would’ve thought plastic bottles could be used as home walls? One housing development company in Nigeria envisioned building affordable homes using these bottles. That way, the homes would serve two purposes: giving people a roof over their heads and cleaning the environment. It did even more for the community, providing jobs for needy people.

Eventually, the company will construct a school on the property so children helping with the project can receive a good education. Perhaps the project will expand even more into other parts of Africa and the world.

The housing project shows that plastic bottles don’t have to end up in landfills. With a bit of ingenuity, people can repurpose discarded plastics into something beautiful, like these “bottle brick” homes.

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