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3 Ways Frozen Grief Can Make You Sad And Irritated

May 23, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Grief is a normal human emotion, and most people will experience it in their lifetime. In an ideal situation, an individual will process grief and move on from it in time. It is true that some grief, even after it is processed healthily, will linger as an awareness of loss. But the bottom line is that positive grief management will eventually bring you to a new chapter. The goal is to keep moving forward, not to become stuck in frozen grief.

Frozen grief is a form of grief that, as its name suggests, is frozen – and it also makes you frozen.

It’s a grief that does the following things:

It lasts for longer than it should
It doesn’t get healthily or properly processed
Does not run a typical course

It often occurs when someone is taken aback by the sudden occurrence of a form of loss, which stunts the natural grieving process and makes it, so there was no opportunity to prepare for it.

Although frozen grief is not a psychiatric term, it can be referred to by its official names, complicated grief disorder or persistent complex bereavement disorder. This occurs when you experience severe grief symptoms even after 12 months of your initial bereavement and is a condition that often requires professional help.

If you’re stuck in frozen grief, you may be reluctant to seek treatment for it, and it may have even become a comfortable (but negative) state for you. However, you are sure to have noticed the adverse emotional and physical effects that it has had on your life. If you haven’t been paying attention to them, here are three ways frozen grief can make you sad and irritated.

1. Frozen Grief Often Stems From Loss

Ambiguous loss is a form of loss that involves a lack of understanding or closure over the aforementioned loss. It’s a loss that makes you desperately try to seek answers, leading to unresolved sadness and grief. There are many forms of ambiguous loss, but frozen grief is one of them.

The problem with ambiguous loss and why it can hurt so much and cause irritation and sadness are because it may cause many difficult questions that you ask yourself, say studies. And, of course, these questions can’t be answered.

You may ask yourself questions such as:

Am I allowed to date again when my partner has been missing for two years? Or am I still committed to them? Would it be a dishonor to them to enter a new relationship?
Even though my cancer is in remission, is it safe for me to stop worrying about it? What if it comes back? What happens to the years of my life I lost to treatment? Can I genuinely go back to my everyday life?
Am I still truly the child of a parent who has Alzheimer’s and no longer remembers who I am or that they even had me? Should I take on a different role for them to ease their pain?
Is it wrong for me to try to move on or heal from the sudden death of a loved one? Does that dishonor their memory? What if I forget them if I stop grieving? What if this happens to someone else?

Not all frozen grief is necessarily ambiguous grief. But in many cases, it is, and that can worsen the entire grieving process. As such, you need to seek aid for ambiguous loss and learn to let go of the need for closure, though that is easier said than done. After all, research indicates that closure isn’t as necessary as we think it is.

2. Frozen Grief Is Chronic

Pain that lasts beyond the typical period for that kind of pain can be a chronic form of pain. Though this word is usually reserved for more obvious physical illnesses, it can also apply to grief. And, by definition, frozen grief is chronic because it involves prolonged mourning and sadness, accompanied by an inability to overcome it at all.

Frozen grief also provides a lot of physical symptoms, which are shared with chronic conditions. A lot of chronic situations come with a fair few side effects, and in the case of frozen grief, that includes:

Irritability
Stress
Fatigue
Anxiety
Apathy
Sadness
High emotional state
Mood swings
Physical discomfort

With all of these things happening at once, it makes sense that frozen grief can cause you to stumble and struggle. It’s easiest to manifest these complex feelings as irritation and sadness, which is how they may appear externally, and that could be how you most readily identify them.

Unfortunately, the combination of all those side effects of frozen grief coupled with the emotional state you’re in can lead to a paralyzing situation. You might have to find ways to manage your life in more positive ways. But you find yourself unable to do so.

This can cause you to:

Abandon your normal life
Be unable to perform your everyday life’s tasks
Become too obsessed with everyday life’s tasks, burying yourself in them
Hide your emotions and tell yourself that everything is fine

Of course, all of those possible reactions also make you more irritated and sad, so it creates a never-ending cycle. That’s why frozen grief is chronic. It continues to perpetuate itself, and eventually, it can reach a point where it’s almost impossible for you to find a way to come back from it.

There comes a time where it may become a part of your life. As a result, positive thinking becomes more and more elusive as time goes on. That’s why it’s essential to think of this kind of grief by the medical term “chronic” – it can permanently change your life.

3. It Can Be Born From Repression

A lot of frozen grief is born from a place of repression, meaning that you are placing the suffering away into your subconscious, or it is already there, and you don’t want to take it out. This might be because:

To function with constant, prolonged grief, you repress your emotions to focus on daily life.
Your grief is frozen because you refuse to address it, meaning it is already repressed and is the reason you can’t move forward.
The emotions you are experiencing are too complex, and you are unable to manage them without shoving them away,
You feel ashamed because you’re still grieving, so you put on a brave face and act as if you’re totally fine.

Research has unanimously shown that emotional repression is terrible for your wellbeing in many different ways, all of which can contribute to irritation and sadness. These ways include:

· Physical Symptoms

Repressing your emotions can worsen your immunity and immune system, increase blood pressure, worsen heart-related conditions, and cause digestive issues. It may even lead to muscle pain or tension. All in all, it increases your risk of developing many different physical illnesses, even if they alone cannot cause them. Being in pain or discomfort can easily cause irritability and make it harder for you to manage your sadness.

· Upended Lifestyle

Grief is all-consuming and can color your daily life in shades of grey. Frozen grief makes this an almost permanent condition. Your whole life is changed by this grief. You do things differently, you cope differently, you may not take part in your usual hobbies or interests, and your relationships may have changed.

That’s not even counting the ways that the source of your grief may have already turned your world and life upside down, to begin with. So when your grief is frozen, you can’t move out of or away from the situation, the original cause has put you in. This creates an environment that breeds and preserves grief, making it even harder for you to escape and worsening your mood in many ways.

· Tiredness

When you’re repressing your emotions, a lot of energy is going into keeping those feelings down in your subconscious. You get more tired the longer this drags on, as you never really get a break when your grief is frozen and repressed. This fatigue can be worsened by sleep issues, which may occur when you’re struggling with grief, leading to a lot of exhaustion piling on top of each other.

You’ve probably already noticed that you have a shorter temper and lower emotional resilience when you’re tired. So it tracks that this fatigue will cause you to be sad and irritated while decreasing positive thinking.

· False Memories

The last thing you need when you’re dealing with frozen grief are more bad memories – and that may happen when you’re repressing your emotions. Research has shown that emotional repression may lead to the development of false or fake memories, which may exacerbate your grief or lead to further repression. When your memories don’t seem to be shared by anyone else, that can make you irritated at those people, or it can make you sad because you wonder if the subject of your grief is being forgotten.

Final Thoughts On Some Ways Frozen Grief Can Make You Sad And Irritated

Everyone experiences and processes grief differently, and there is no rush to overcome grief as quickly as possible. It would be best to see whose grief passes the fastest if you weren’t “competing” with other people. Grief is not a race, and it is okay if you need to take longer than average or use unorthodox (healthy) methods to overcome it.

But there is no denying that once grief becomes frozen, it is a problem. While it can take a while to process grief, it should not reach a point where that grief becomes stuck, unable to change, or give you space to progress. This is counterproductive and will keep you in your grief for a long time. Thus, it may cause many different health problems from a physical and mental standpoint.

If you are experiencing frozen grief, you should seriously consider its effects on your life. Long-term experiences of chronic grief can become a permanent part of your life if you never get to address it. If you need help dealing with frozen grief, therapy is a standard course of action to treat it. Don’t feel ashamed if you need to seek help; everyone needs aid sometimes!

15 Ways to Overcome Emotional Immaturity

May 23, 2022 by Sarah Barkley

When you can handle challenging situations positively, it shows emotional maturity.

Your level of emotional maturity determines how you react in unpleasant and unexpected situations. Maturity results in positive reactions, whereas emotional immaturity causes negative behavior that negatively affects relationships.

Emotional immaturity can manifest in several ways, including being unable to understand the feelings of yourself and others. However, even mature people feel lost and struggle with emotional immaturity sometimes. Everyone’s strength will waver occasionally, and recognizing what triggers it for you can help you overcome it.

When times get hard and you start to feel lost, remember that these are the times that will help you grow. As you navigate obstacles and hardship, you will become more mature and develop emotionally.

15 Ways to Overcome Emotional Immaturity

If you feel lost and like emotional immaturity is taking over, there are ways to overcome those feelings. The methods aren’t always easy, but you will become more skilled as you make it a habit.

1. Recognize Your Flaws

By recognizing your flaws, you can acknowledge your shortcomings and prepare for them. You know yourself better than anyone else, so learn to manage them and make them work for you. Your faults don’t have to hold you back, but they will if you don’t recognize them.

You can’t stop there because you should also work on correcting your flaws. Perfection is impossible, but continued self-growth is always helpful for overcoming emotional immaturity.

2. Stop Striving for and Expecting Perfections

No one is perfect, and striving for perfection will only cause disappointment. Emotional maturity requires understanding this concept and avoiding thinking as a perfectionist. You are always getting better, but you accept that mistakes still happen.

You also must avoid thinking that you perfect because perfection is impossible. Dr. Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD., describes perfectionism as

“A continual treadmill chasing the elusive feeling of having everything in their lives be ‘right.’ But even when the brief satisfaction of “right” is achieved, it’s temporary.”

Instead, remember that you can keep improving by prioritizing self-discovery and growth.

3. Break Free of Your Ego

Being egocentric can hold you back and make you feel lost. Recognize that the world doesn’t revolve around you and that you must do things for yourself. If you can’t have this mindset, you will blame others and push away any opportunity for improvement.

Luckily, you can switch your thinking and break free of your egocentric behavior. When things happen, take responsibility for your part, even if others don’t.

4. Be Conscious of the Present

If you have frequent thoughts of the past or worry about the future, you can’t embrace the present. Make a conscious decision to stay focused on right now, both within you and in your environment. Being present, or practicing mindfulness, helps you react appropriately and positively no matter what happens.

The researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) agree. They describe how mindfulness also contributes to a reduction in stress, anxiety, and depression.

Thus, a conscious effort will control your responses and decisions and improve your mental health. You must be aware of what is happening around you and alert to any sudden changes.

5. Be Careful with Money

If you exhibit impulsivity with money, it is a sure sign of emotional immaturity. Your behavior interferes with the way you manage your finances, and your desires overpower your willpower. If you miss payments but splurge on new shoes, you might need to address your impulsivity.

To overcome this type of immaturity, begin by developing a budget and following it. As you get better at following your budget, start making adjustments as you notice certain impulsive habits. Paying attention to these things can go a long way with overcoming immaturity.

6. Stop Holding Grudges

You might hold a grudge when someone criticizes you or belittles you for having a different opinion. Or, it could happen when you feel like someone used you for personal benefit. However, holding a grudge won’t change the person’s mind, and it doesn’t help you overcome the situation.

Instead, try to talk with them about what they said or did to hurt you. Be clear about how it made you feel; if the person cares about you, they or will change their behavior. You can’t force the person to change their ways, but you can try to make them understand, helping you overcome when you feel lost.

7. Learn to Apologize

It is a sign of emotional immaturity if you struggle to apologize when you need to. The next time you are in this situation and know you were wrong, speak up and say you’re sorry. You might even deny your responsibility to yourself, but spend time reflecting and admitting your faults.

As you apologize, keep your mind open to learning opportunities, too. Ask questions and figure out how to do better next time. When you can live this way, you will overcome immaturity when you feel lost.

8. Determine Your Vision and Focus on Your Values

You can’t work toward a goal without figuring out your vision and values. When you feel lost, your first action should be determining what you are working to accomplish. With clear goals, you can overcome immaturity and work forward positively.

With a clear vision and focused sense of values, you can keep working hard without immediate gratification. You will have the discipline to make strong and positive choices even when desire tries to pull you away. Having a clear vision will help you control your impulses during the life journey.

9. Develop Healthy Relationships

Troubled relationships are a sure sign that you are emotionally immature. Focus on developing healthy relationships instead, and you will quickly overcome immaturity. Sometimes a healthy relationship requires time apart, so keep that in mind as you move forward.

10. Accept Reality

You can’t control everything in life, so sometimes you must accept things that you’d rather ignore. Acceptance leads to peace, which can help you overcome emotionally immature moments. Choose happiness and joy because the present is the only current reality.

When you find yourself in a difficult situation, you must also accept it for what it is. Take a moment to review all the details and devise a plan. Once you have a plan, follow it through and take a deep breath because, for now, you’ve done all you can.

11. Show Integrity

By showing integrity, you will get things done without giving excuses or complaining. You do what you say you will do, and your actions align with what you want in life. If you show integrity, you will behave consistently with your values and vision in mind.

With integrity, you will exhibit commitment, discipline, and patience as you move forward on your life journey. Making integrity a habit will result in emotional maturity to help guide you through.

12. Use Kind Words and Think About What You Will Say Before You Speak

To develop emotional maturity, you must use kind words when speaking, even when upset. Don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, but think about your comments before saying them. If you take just a few seconds to consider it, you will likely come up with something kinder to say instead.

Sometimes you will need over a few seconds to think about what to say. In those cases, take a break from the other person to consider your words carefully. Taking a moment to yourself will allow you to cool off and truly process your feelings.

13. Make Responsible Choices

Overcoming emotional immaturity requires that you make responsible choices. Think about how your actions affect how you think, feel, and act. Consider how your actions will affect your life as a whole.

When you feel lost in life, you could have made bad decisions that hindered your progress. To overcome this feeling, begin making better choices moving forward. Consider what is best for yourself long-term and let that overrule your current desire.

14. Don’t Get Defensive

An emotionally immature person will become defensive rather than handle a problem. They would rather avoid conflict by denying that they said or did something. When they are wrong, they tend to become defensive rather than owning up to it.

If you are guilty of this, consciously decide to change that about yourself. Pay attention to this type of behavior, and change it right then to help you overcome it.

15. Don’t Put Too Much Weight on First Impressions

First impressions are given too much credit because there is more to a person than you first see. Getting to know people before forming an opinion will help you overcome your immaturity.

If you feel lost, try getting to know those around you. Don’t criticize people, even in your mind, and don’t label anyone before you take time to understand.

Final Thoughts on Ways to Overcome Emotional Immaturity When You Feel Lost

By learning to live an emotionally mature lifestyle, you will reap many rewards that help you live meaningfully. When you can make the most out of unexpected or unpleasant situations, you will have overcome emotional immaturity.

Emotional maturity offers a fresh perspective on life, freedom, and resilience. Plus, you will have an easy time living in the present as you learn to let go of other things.

The Negative Effects of Self-Sabotage (And How To Fix It)

May 23, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Self-sabotage is harming your progress, growth, and positive life experiences due to ingrained fears and issues. People who self-sabotage may stunt their careers, ruin relationships, and even damage themselves and others’ perceptions of them.

If you self-sabotage, it can be very frustrating. You know that what you’re doing is terrible for you, but it can be difficult to stop. But why should you stop? And if so, how? Here are the adverse effects of self-sabotage and how to fix it.

The Primary Negative Effects Of Self-Sabotage

Here are compelling reasons to treat yourself with more kindness and compassion.

1. Your Self-Esteem Tanks With Self-Sabotage

Self-esteem is a crucial part of mental well-being, and when you have high self-esteem, you think well of yourself and want good things for yourself. It’s obvious, then, that self-sabotaging behaviors often mean you have poor self-esteem. Here are some ways that this effect rears its ugly head:

· You Criticize Yourself

Self-sabotage often involves self-criticism. You tell yourself that you’re not good enough to achieve your goals or that everything you’ve done so far isn’t sufficient. Additionally, you obsess over everything that’s happened in the past and use that to define your present instead of learning and growing. You fall into a cycle of criticizing yourself and using these criticisms as reasons for why you’re not capable, often to the extent of ignoring your achievements and dismissing everything good you create. It’s easy to see how this criticism can ruin your self-esteem and positive thinking.

· You Talk Down To Yourself

It’s not uncommon for people to have very high standards for themselves that they would never impose on other people. This is especially true if you tend to self-sabotage. You may talk down to yourself in ways you could never dream of speaking to others. When your friend makes a mistake, you tell them, “That’s okay, you can try again next time!” but when you make a mistake, you say, “I messed everything up, and I’m awful at everything, and I might as well give up.” Talking down to yourself so often can make you genuinely start to believe all those words you say.

· You Get Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome refers to a psychological phenomenon where you feel like a fraud or an “imposter” who doesn’t deserve to be in the positive position you’re in. You may feel like you’re faking your accomplishments and credibility and become very defensive as you try to protect your reputation, even though you’re perfectly deserving of how far you’ve come. This feeds into other self-sabotage issues that harm your self-esteem and increase self-criticism, as you can never accept that your success and positions are deserved.

· You Wonder What Your Purpose Is

A sense of purpose can be crucial to self-esteem, and people who self-sabotage tend to lack this. They may feel like there’s no purpose they’re capable of, which only fuels experiences of inadequacy and low self-esteem. Worse still, until you learn to fight self-sabotaging behaviors, you cannot find your purpose because you won’t let yourself do so!

2. You Stop Being Productive When You Self-Sabotage

Productivity is a big deal for many people, but those who self-sabotage are rarely very productive. This is because many of the behaviors that involve tripping yourself up also include making it so you can’t do what you need to. Here are some examples of how you may tank your productivity through self-sabotage:

· You Procrastinate

Procrastination is a common problem and can be tied to many different causes. Self-sabotage can be a big one of those causes, according to studies. It makes sense for people in an intricate system of rules to procrastinate now and then due to the system’s unfriendliness. Still, the older you get, the more likely it is that procrastination is a symptom of a more significant issue. It often means avoiding something, such as a risk of failure or even the possibility of positive change in your life. This kind of avoidance is a common sign of self-sabotage, ruining your ability to live your everyday life.

· You Have A Tendency To Throw In The Towel Too Quickly

A standard method of self-sabotage tends to give up the second anything that seems even slightly tricky. Challenges and hurdles are standard in all journeys, and someone who self-sabotages for fear of facing those problems is essentially a surefire way never to finish anything you start. It’s outstanding to understand when it’s time to let something rest or move on from a venture, but don’t fall victim to the desire to give up at the first sign of trouble. Good things come to those who are willing to make an effort!

· You Are Disorganized

Self-sabotage can ruin your ability to stay organized simply because chaos begets chaos. The act of sabotaging yourself sends the subject of that sabotage into disarray, and this bleeds out into everything else, affecting all aspects of your life until you feel unable to do anything at all. Your productivity will drop, but that’s the least of your concerns now!

How To Fix The Effects Of Self-Sabotage

1. Find Your Self-Sabotage Triggers

One of the key ways to handle self-sabotaging behavior positively is by identifying triggers and behaviors that lead to it. You must examine yourself and look deeply into your actions to trace what sets you off and how you express those impulses. If you don’t recognize your self-sabotage, it’s hard to learn to fix it, after all!

It can be challenging to realize that you’re sabotaging yourself, and for many, there is a fair amount of denial that goes into this. You have to pay close attention to things that could be too painful to want to think about.

Here are some examples of self-sabotage triggers that may affect you:

You have a pattern of sabotaging your developing relationships. When someone you’re dating tries to bring up the subject of commitment to you, you detach and act out in ways that harm the person in question.
You have a pattern of sabotaging your career’s progress. You quit before big job promotions or intentionally perform unsatisfactorily to avoid being given a better position. Maybe you even believe you are not qualified for those positions or want to take on new responsibilities.
You have a pattern of sabotaging personal life changes of any kind. If a positive move for your life involves some form of difference, you will opt not to take that good opportunity and instead stay where you are, unmoving, even if it’s terrible for you.
You have a pattern of sabotaging yourself when things go well. Perhaps you are afraid of failure, or you may be anxious when things go well for too long because you believe bad things are around the corner, so you intentionally ruin things for yourself.
You have a pattern of desiring interest and stimulation in your life. When things go too monotonous, you turn to drastic and reckless behavior to force exciting things to happen; in your mind, even negative interesting things are preferable to boredom.

When you begin identifying self-sabotaging behavior, employ positive thinking and find productive reasons to replace this behavior.

2. Get Comfortable With New Things

Many self-sabotage occurs due to fear or discomfort of certain things and factors. Learning to be comfortable with these factors can help you to overcome your impulse to be your own worst enemy. Here are some things to get comfortable within this vein:

· Small Steps

If you self-sabotage, you probably have very high expectations of yourself. While it’s good to have some standards, the fact remains that your desire for big, apparent success to prove your worth is unlikely to come to fruition regularly. This means you need to have to be more flexible with the way you look at your progress. Small steps can be just as valuable as big ones, so learn to notice those little steps you take and validate them.

· Failure

Failure is commonplace in life. So learning to manage loss helps you learn lessons from your mistakes to grow to new heights. It’s normal to be afraid of failure. Still, that fear shouldn’t control your life and lead to self-sabotage through perfectionism and impossible standards – and that, unfortunately, happens very often in such behavior, according to studies. So, learn to accept and even cherish failure and its many lessons.

· Talking

It sounds strange, but many self-sabotagers are afraid of communicating because it can mean being vulnerable or facing confrontation. Openly telling the people closest to you about your struggles can help them better understand your behaviors and offer the reassurance and aid you need. A little communication goes a long way.

3. Learn To Boost Productivity By Combating Avoidance

A lack of productivity is a massive problem for those who self-sabotage. This often comes from avoidance, whether that involves the release of responsibility, the avoidance of possible failure, the avoidance of hard work, the avoidance of something overwhelming, or anything else similar.

This is why combating avoidance first is the best way to fight the lack of productivity that can come with self-sabotage. You can use a variety of different methods, but some common strategies include:

Use to-do lists that break down bigger goals into smaller and more manageable ones. Create an outline that you can follow.
Try starting with the final steps of a task instead of the first. Or if that’s too extreme, try hopping in somewhere in the middle.
Write down instructions to yourself while imagining you’re writing the instructions for someone else. Thus, you create more transparent and more direct expectations in your directions.
Learn to focus on the most critical and urgent tasks first, and get comfortable with shrinking down less important ones to lower levels of effort.
Try many different strategies and mix and match them to see what works for you.

Final Thoughts On Some Negative Effects Of Self-Sabotage, And How To Fix It

You have so much potential within you, but self-sabotaging can rob you of chances to fulfill that potential. Don’t forget that you are worthy of happiness and success and though fear in these areas is perfectly valid, you are capable of overcoming your issues and reaching those things you deserve!

The Evolution of Friendship, According to Counselors

May 22, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Friendship is the cornerstone of human bonding. It’s how we find happiness in social interaction and develop meaningful relationships. But where did this need to bond begin? What can the evolution of friendship tell us about our modern world and the relationships we find in it?

The subject is not without its fair share of dubious and under-researched areas. But, for the most part, we do have some understanding of what it means to be a friend, how humans began forming friends, and where that leaves us today. Here is the evolution of friendship, according to experts and studies.

1. Early Humans and The Necessity Of Friendship For Survival

The evolution of friendship begins at the very start of our lives as human beings, dating back millennia. This is why friendship is an adaptive trait, and bonding was something our ancestors did to make their lives easier. This is not to say that the friendships were calculative but necessary.

Close friendships were crucial to the survival of early humans, writes Michael R. Kauth, Ph.D. for the Baylor College of Medicine. Here, the expert works as a professor in the Menninger Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. He is also a research author of many studies in his field.

Kauth explains that close, loving platonic bonds were necessary for old social structures. It is worth noting here that most research into the evolution of friendship focuses on male bonding. However, there is little reason to suggest that facts related to male bonding cannot apply to female bonding, and most experts agree with that sentiment.

The Evolution Of Friendship in Hunter-Gatherer Societies

Early hunter-gatherers lived in groups of up to a hundred people, most of whom were unrelated. For the most part, they separated the day-to-day social activities by gender. Men would leave their homes to hunt, connect with other camps, and seek difficult-to-obtain resources. They would often be gone for days, traveling in groups before returning home.

Meanwhile, women needed to handle pregnancy and childcare. This duty meant they had little choice but to stay close to their camps, unable to follow the men outdoors. This social construct also left them with many more “domestic” duties, such as repairing clothing, cooking, gathering, and tending to the ill.

Each person’s survival required the cooperation of all and the careful selection of mates. Strong same-gender alliances were crucial to greater reproductive success among groups of hunter-gatherers. They provided separated genders with the ability to help each other in their segregated tasks. This arrangement allowed them to perform better. Furthermore, it ensured that there were enough resources for the family to survive.

That Evolution Of Friendship Shifts to Meet Modern Demands

Modern hunter-gatherer societies continue to utilize close same-gender friendships to secure better-shared resources. They interact with friends as much as they do with family members, research shows. Our ancient ancestors survived through close friendships that helped further their reproductive success and life safety. This is where, in the evolution of friendship, our be can begin to trace social history.

2. The Evolution of Friendship and Its Implications For “True” Friendship

Our ancestors formed friendships as a strategic means of cooperation. They relied on this for their survival, which was the starting point in the evolution of friendship. There was a sort of quid-pro-quo situation – people helped each other, and they understood that through friendship, they were performing an exchange of tasks that bettered both lives.

This isn’t to say that people didn’t form meaningful, genuine platonic bonds alongside the convenience of bonding. Human beings have known love and compassion for a long time, and altruism has been baked into our societies for millennia. However, it also brings a reality that some may find uncomfortable. We form friendships because we feel, to some degree, that they’re beneficial to us.

It’s easy to see the effects of this reality. For example, some friendships fall apart when they’re no longer convenient to keep. If there are friends you had years ago but stopped interacting regularly. You may not have felt motivated to maintain a close bond with most of them. Sure, maybe you can keep in touch or have a drink together whenever you’re in town. But you’re likely not as close as you used to be, with only rare exceptions.

A Natural Ebb And Flow Occurs During The Evolution Of Friendship

There’s nothing wrong with friendships fading or ending, of course. Again, friends must find the relationship and its maintenance mutually beneficial, and if they don’t, it’s reasonable that they go their separate ways. But that also means many people emphasize lifelong friendships or “true friends” who won’t ever let the bond die.

Here, friendships as we know them to deviate from just practicality and the need for survival. You see, the fact is that there’s an inherent paradox in the concept of a mutually beneficial, quid-pro-quo style friendship, say studies. The paradox is this: you will need a friend most when you are the least likely to be able to repay them. For example, you’ll likely most need a friend when you’re sick, broke, or grieving.

This is why some friends disappear the second the going gets tough. You know them by a simple term: fair-weather friends–buddies who only want to be around when you’re in a good place. This context means that modern-day friendship includes additional factors that come naturally to us as we gain and lose friends over time. We naturally tune into the following truths:

· We Want Our Friends To Find Us Unique

When you’re “unique” to a friend group, you become more valuable in their eyes. You also probably consider yourself more securely when you feel you have something to offer. This “uniqueness” may come in the form of being the best cook among your friends, having a beneficial skill, or being the only one with a car, for example. Regardless of what it is, it sets you apart and makes you essential.

· You Feel Indebted To Those Who Help You When You Can’t Reciprocate

If someone does something generous for you as a gesture of true friendship, you still feel indebted to them. Even though your friend is not asking you for a trade or demanding reciprocity, it’s natural for you to want to reciprocate when you can. You may even worry that this friend is holding this “debt” against you and will become angry with you if you’re not there for them in turn.

· Friends Are Harder To Make And Keep In Modern Times

Sure, our world has problems, but it’s also one of the safest periods of human history. Gone are the days when you were doomed if you didn’t form friendships. While there are mental and physical health benefits to having friends, you can manage without them somewhat. This self-sufficiency may be why it’s getting harder to make friends and maintain bonds now, despite all the technology we have at our disposal for such tasks. This shift also means we can be pickier with friends, and if we want only positive people in our lives, we might be freer in cutting old ties.

This is why modern-day friendship emphasizes true friends who are there with you through thick and thin. On an evolutionary level, we recognize that relationships are often quid-pro-quo, and none of us want someone to abandon us in our time of need.

This is how the evolution of friendship has brought us to a place where we want validation from potential friends to ensure that they’re in it with us for the long haul. We need to trust that our best friends are not just there for their benefit.

3. The Evolution Of Friendship In Humans By Age

You know now, about the evolution of friendship from the perspective of early human social systems and modern social psychology. But what about from the standpoint of age? How do you make friendships at different points of life? Why is it so much easier to make friends when you’re younger? Here’s how the evolution of friendship development occurs across other age groups:

· Childhood

Children often make friends based on things they share in common, say experts. This stems from physical proximity and shared activities, such as going to the same school. Through these social activities, kids learn empathy and develop necessary social skills. Importantly, they make friends via having fun together and through openness, so the similarity of circumstances alone isn’t sufficient. They have to enjoy playing together and need to be open to each other. When these parameters go unmet, kids feel free and happy with their friends.

· Adolescence

The need for reciprocity begins to make itself known at this stage of life, say studies. Adolescents are known to choose friends based on their dispositions, personalities, characteristics, and shared values and interests. They will avoid any potential friends who display behavior they dislike or won’t fulfill their personal needs.

· Adulthood

Adults need friends for better well-being, and they value the companionship and emotional support that they gain from it. Most adults will struggle to make genuine friends in a workplace environment because of the competitive nature of being co-workers. This causes relationships at work to feel more transactional, so adults are less likely to find “true” friendships due to the quid-pro-quo situation. As a result, most adults don’t have many close friends, usually with just a couple of them.

· The Evolution Of Friendship Shifts Dramatically For Seniors

Older adults benefit significantly from having friends who can help their everyday lives and keep them in good health. Senior citizens without friends are more likely to “settle” for forming friendships with other seniors who need more friends, even if their values don’t match up. The more transactional exchange is not necessarily a bad thing. Indeed, older adults know how difficult it is to make and keep friends you can relate to at this point in life.

Final Thoughts On The Evolution Of Friendship, According To Counselors

The evolution of friendship is complex. Human beings have gone from necessary relationships for survival to now realizing that transactional, quid-pro-quo arrangements are all too common. We prize true friendships while understanding that they’re challenging to achieve, affecting how we engage others at different points of life.

Stop Lying to Yourself About These 9 Mistakes and Let Them Go

May 22, 2022 by Chris Butler

Often, the choices you make in life seem straightforward, but later on, you realize you made a mistake. Maybe it’s a failed relationship or a lost opportunity. It’s easy to beat yourself up for past mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes that they later regret. If you’re honest with yourself, you still feel guilty about your mistakes. Maybe it’s time to stop lying to yourself about these mistakes.

Why not let go of the mistakes you made in life? Only then can you find peace in the present.

9 Signs You Need to Stop Lying to Yourself

1 – You’re lying to yourself if you can’t recognize the need for risk in life

It’s challenging to take a risk. Risks are, after all, risky–and sometimes dangerous. But some risks aren’t as threatening as others. You may regret that you didn’t take the chance to quit your job and go back to school. Or perhaps you had an excellent opportunity to go overseas, but you didn’t want to take the risk of living in another country. It’s easy to look back today and say, “Oh, I should have done that!” but at the time, your decision seemed right. Don’t beat yourself about these decisions. You made the best decision you could. Was it a mistake? Maybe. That’s probably not as important as trying to learn from the error. Let go of your aversion to risk. Live in the here and now and take more risks when they appear.

2 – You don’t see that you should have made better choices

Everyone makes bad decisions in their life. Of course, some of your choices haunt you later in life. If you experienced the consequences of the bad choices when you were young, don’t be too hard on yourself. Accept these complex consequences without feeling guilty. Learn the lessons from your wrong decision, but try to move on and let go of them. Find hope in today and the good choices you are making now.

3 – Not forgiving is a sign you should stop lying to yourself

Hindsight is always 20/ 20. It’s human nature to look back and see everything you did wrong. One mistake many people make is not to forgive others. Whether you didn’t forgive your parents or your children, you may feel differently today. If you need to ask forgiveness or forgive someone, don’t delay. Contact them right away. Don’thold on to these past mistakes. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you think what they did was okay. It means you will stop lying to yourself and let go of your unforgiveness.

4 – You fail to stand up for yourself

Perhaps you followed the crowd instead of standing up for yourself. Maybe you chose your career because your friend suggested it, or you never went to college because your parents said it was a waste of time. Be honest with yourself and let go of these decisions. Step out. Begin standing up for yourself.

5 – You’re lying to yourself when you compromise your self-worth

Fearing what others think about you is a common mistake when you’re young. You feel you want to please your friends because they care for you. Now that you’re older, you realize those people didn’t care about you as much as you thought they did. You may regret not being authentic. You wish you hadn’t cared much about what they thought of you. It’s good to see this mistake and not repeat it in your present life.

6 – You don’t see how fear robs you of your joy

Fear goes hand in hand with worry. It tells you all the bad things that will happen if you don’t do something. Fear robs you of your joy in life and keeps you from trying new things. Fear keeps you from relationships and opportunities. If you regret making decisions based on your fears, learn from your mistakes. Fear is a terrible reason not to do something. Instead, take steps to let go of these mistakes and find peace.

7 – You’re lying to yourself if you let worry take over your life

Worry steals your ability to enjoy life. It holds you captive, so you fear trying new things. Don’t give in to worry, but look for ways to trust God and others so you can live with a new sense of enjoying life.

8 – Forgetting to forgive and forget might suggest you’re lying to yourself

It’s easy for time to slip by. You may suddenly realize your opportunities to love certain people are gone. You may wish you had made better decisions about your family or friends. At the time, you weren’t as aware of how life changes as you are today. Be honest with yourself. Evaluate who you should spend more time with today so you won’t have regrets in the future.

9 – Overworking is one of life’s greatest mistakes

Work is a necessary part of life. You need to earn money to pay your bills, buy your food, and clothe yourself. As important as work is, it’s easy to lose perspective and allow work to consume you. Overwork is a good thing gone bad. It steals time away from family, friends, and church. If you see now that you made this mistake, forgive yourself and don’t allow overwork to rule you any longer.

How to stop lying to yourself and let go of past mistakes

So, once you acknowledge your mistakes, how do you let go of them? It’s a process. Letting go of your mistakes will take time and effort on your part. You won’t be free of your regrets in a day or two. It may take weeks, months, or even years to finally be at peace. That’s okay because you’re on a journey. Instead of focusing on your past mistakes, focus on today. Take one step at a time. Here are some other ways to let go of your past mistakes.

Focus your attention on the positive: Focus on today. Live each day as if it could be your last. Love those people you care about, serve others, and take risks you wish you had taken years ago.
Remember, you’re a different person: Today, you’re older and hopefully wiser. You understand life and people better than you did when you were young. Please take advantage of this knowledge and act upon it accordingly.
Be open to new things: Try new experiences, meet new people, and go to places you have never visited before. Step out into a new season of an authentic life you never had in the past.
Allow time to heal you: Time has a way of helping you let go of past mistakes. You know more now than you did, and you can be more flexible than you were back in the day. Good chance things don’t bother you as much as they did when you were younger. You understand yourself and others better.

Trust God to help you stop lying to yourself and release the guilt.

Of course, some mistakes are serious, and you may live with the consequences for years. Many people find faith in God helps them deal with guilt and regret. Psalm 86:5 (ESV) says, For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you. God promises that He will hear you if you call to him for help. He promises to forgive you if you’re genuinely sorry for the wrongs you’ve done. Find authentic freedom from your regrets today by turning to God for help.

Final thoughts on why you must stop lying to yourself so you can live a fuller life

Everyone makes mistakes that they later regret. It’s not so much whether you make mistakes, but what you do with them makes a difference in your life. If you hold on to your mistakes, allowing them to weigh heavily upon you, you won’t be free to live your life. Learn the lessons from your mistakes and stop lying to yourself about them. So stop lying to yourself, and be honest. You can let go of these mistakes and learn lessons from them to help you be a better, more authentic person today and in the future.

Psychology Explains 3 Long-Term Effects of Toxic Grandparents on Grandkids

May 22, 2022 by Lakeisha Ethans

Growing up with toxic grandparents can have long-term effects on kids. When it comes to kids, the environment they grow up in is the crucial factor that shapes their future. Obviously, their parents immediately influence their behavior, but grandparents are also part of the environment, and they can also leave a significant mark. The grandparents that choose to be in their grandkids’ lives often become role models.

They leave a significant mark on the kids’ personalities without having many responsibilities. Parents receive scrutiny from society, friends, and family. If they display signs of toxicity, they are held accountable. Unfortunately, that doesn’t often happen with grandparents. Society views grandparents as sweet and kind older adults who would never hurt a soul. But that’s not always the case. Grandparents can sometimes be toxic, and somehow, they get away with it.

The older people get, the more respect they get from others just because of their age. For some reason, society seems to believe that age makes all people more intelligent and wiser. While that’s often true, it doesn’t entitle people to belittle others. Some grandparents display very toxic behaviors that they get away with because nobody challenges them.

Older adults are less likely to be called out when committing a wrong-doing. Because of this, if they display toxic behaviors, nobody questions it. They have no reason or incentive to change. And all that toxicity hurts grandkids–albeit unintentionally. So, what are the long-term effects of having toxic grandparents? Does their negativity leave a mark on people even through adulthood?

What Behaviors Can Toxic Grandparents?

Often, the toxicity in older people stems from the generational gap. Most older people aren’t inherently negative. Indeed, our elders tend to be kinder on average. That’s primarily because of their many accomplishments in life. But having lived longer also makes it difficult to relate to the newer generations. Your grandparents have lived through political and societal changes that reshaped humanity.

Of course, it will be harder for them to understand the freedoms that parents give their children nowadays. That’s all fine and normal, but sometimes it becomes more than that. Some grandfathers and grandmothers aren’t simply content with accepting how the parents choose to raise their kids. Some try to force the parents to raise the kids in a certain way.

That’s not the only negative influence that older people can have on a child. It’s clear that society is ever-changing, and the desires people once had aren’t the same anymore. For example, people no longer fixate on being doctors or engineers. Young people are more open-minded and don’t care as much about the esteem of a particular career. They care more about being happy. But that’s not the case with older people.

They Don’t Intend Harm, But Grandparents Are From a Different Era.

They are the generation that has been raised to care about image. To care about the name of their family and to always value outsiders’ opinions. Only valuing others’ perspectives might even be reductive. One might even argue that older generations were taught that reputation is all that matters and should live for it. Because of that, many grandparents put pride and reputation above their grandkids’ needs. That can cause many arguments and issues in the family, significantly affecting the kids’ self-perception.

Moreover, grandparents are in a position of authority over the parents. Because they are the parents’ parents, they can claim they know better when raising kids. This power imbalance is inevitable, and it’s not always toxic. In most cases, grandparents act more as counselors. But sometimes, they want to have full authority over the upbringing of their grandchildren. They can easily use their position to interfere.

Unintended Consequences of Toxic Grandparents

They can request that the grandkids act in specific ways. They want them to go to certain schools, eat certain things, or do specific extracurricular activities. It’s sometimes too easy for grandparents to overrule the parents’ desires and plans. It’s also too easy for grandparents to emotionally manipulate their kids and grandkids. Saying things like “I want to see my grand-grandchildren before I die” puts a lot of pressure on everyone involved.

Things like these might seem innocent, but they are very damaging. It imposes a timeline in which you have to do something or risk disappointing your family. These are just some of the toxic behaviors that grandparents engage in. Most people would look at these behaviors and say, “You need to cut these people some slack. After all, they’re more mature, and they want what’s best for you.”

But dismissing these behaviors is a bad idea. Especially because parents already dismiss the idea that the grandparents could ever be toxic. This dismissal makes the grandchildren feel powerless. In its essence, it’s a form of gaslighting. People must know that everyone can be a negative influence, no matter who they are or their intentions. And it’s important to note that these behaviors make kids uncomfortable when they are young and leave a lasting impact on them into adulthood.

What Are the Long-Term Effects of Toxic Grandparents on Children?

They might not intend these consequences, but toxic grandparents can do unintended harm.

1. They Teach Kids to Be Ashamed of Their Dreams

Most people have grandparents who grew up in different times. They learned that showing emotions is a sign of vulnerability and weakness. Loudly asking for what you want and following your dreams is disrespectful and a waste of time. That you can only bring honor to your family when you act exactly how society expects you to behave, but that’s not the society we live in anymore. And it shouldn’t be like that ever again.

Because some grandparents think the outside image matters more than anything, they can’t relate to how things are now. When they see that parents raise their kids to follow their dreams, that’s not something that seems normal. It’s not something they view as a healthy way to raise a kid. So, they’ll try to impose their own rules on the kid’s life.

And, if they succeed, that child will suffer in both the short and long term. Kids who feel like they should suppress their wants and needs will undoubtedly become dysfunctional adults. They won’t learn how to stand up for themselves and do things that genuinely make them happy. They will probably choose a career to please their family, which will make for a miserable life. This people-pleasing attitude will also affect the relationships they have.

2. Toxic Grandparents Might Invalidate Emotions

A functional adult is someone who can healthily manage their emotions. They’re not afraid to acknowledge their feelings and learn how to use them to their advantage. They are not scared to be open, vulnerable, or ask for help. But that’s almost unheard of amongst older people. And that’s the main reason grandparents display toxic behaviors and invalidate their grandchildren’s feelings.

Maybe they don’t even have bad intentions. Perhaps they genuinely want to help you. But that doesn’t change that having such grandparents will only teach you to display toxic behaviors yourself. These influences will not make you a functional adult. On the contrary, they will disallow you from becoming a balanced individual.

When adults tell children to stop crying or always to put on a smile, they learn from a young age that it’s shameful to display emotions. You put on a mask and stop showing how you feel in time. Slowly, you become disconnected from your feelings because setting boundaries is difficult or impossible.

Instead of becoming strong and emotionless, you become more vulnerable. When you can’t stand up for yourself, others can easily take advantage of you. You become easier to manipulate, being afraid to ask for help. You start thinking that you should solve all your problems alone, which can harm you. Don’t allow yourself to end up in that situation. Understand that emotions are normal, and you should never be ashamed to ask for help.

3. They Can Ruin Family Relationships

Having toxic grandparents doesn’t just affect your development as an individual. It can also affect your relationship with your other relatives, especially your parents. Because toxic grandparents always stick their noses where they don’t belong, they can easily create conflicts between you and your parents. Of course, your parents are supposed to protect you.

So, when they let the grandparents take the wheel and dictate your upbringing, you will be inclined you blame them for everything wrong. And while they hold some blame for allowing the grandparents to interfere, they didn’t have a choice most of the time. When it comes to toxic grandparents, it usually allows them to meddle or cuts all ties with them. Your parents can’t just give up on their relationship with their parents that easily.

So, they often make the mistake of keeping them in your lives. When you grow up, you will be inclined to blame them for being unable to protect you. And, in most cases, that leads to you growing so distant that you end up cutting all ties. Don’t make that mistake. It wasn’t all the parents’ fault; they just wanted to have their parents around.

Final Thoughts on the Three Long-Term Effects of Toxic Grandparents on Kids

Grandparents can be a blessing in your life, or they can be the bane of your existence. They can be kind people who want to see their kids and grandkids happy. And while their intentions might not be harmful, the truth is that they come from different times. They come from times when being vulnerable was seen as a bad thing.

You couldn’t follow your dreams during their time because that was not what was best for the family. And they often try to impose these same ideals on their kids and grandkids. The problem is that they often get away with it. Having toxic grandparents will negatively impact your development. You will slowly become more closed off and ashamed of your emotions.

You will stop asking for what you want and become a people pleaser. And you might even risk destroying your relationship with your parents because you’ll inevitably want to blame them for the grandparents’ behavior. Remember that grandparents aren’t always a positive influence, no matter how sweet they seem.

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